


Sorrow Floats

by Despina



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, M/M, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-19
Updated: 2009-06-19
Packaged: 2017-10-14 06:08:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 50,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/146204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Despina/pseuds/Despina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gojyo has a surprising secret from his past he can no longer hide.  Will it change everything in the present?  Saiyuki AU.  Mostly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Many, many thanks to my beta readers, the amazing Moshesque and the fabulous Whymzycal. Those two have humored me and put up with months of whining and crying. I can't even begin to express my gratitude. They've made this story into something wonderful and I love them both.

Gojyo slammed down another glass of whiskey. He was trying to numb his brain--what had he just done? Even worse, what did he have left to do? And most importantly, what he was going to lose because of it?--but there wasn't enough booze in the world to stop his thoughts. He swept out a hand, grasped the opened bottle on his table, and poured another round.

Still feeling a tingle from Hakkai's kiss on his lips and a matching ache in his heart, Gojyo drank again. The kiss had only mildly surprised him. Actually, he'd been expecting it for a while. Hell, he'd wanted it and had been afraid of it at the same time. Their relationship had gone beyond friendship a while ago. The two of them had started out as nothing more than roommates, and now, Gojyo couldn't imagine his life without Hakkai. Taking the next step--going from friends to lovers--seemed natural, but Gojyo hadn't pressed it because of the secret that remained. Even now, Gojyo knew his fear was affecting him, causing him to put off the conversation he had to have with Hakkai.

The kiss had changed everything.

He grabbed his head--the scene hadn't panned out right. Their first kiss was supposed to be fire and brimstone, all clothes-tearing frenzy and frantic touches, but instead, Gojyo had made it awkward, barely mediocre. Maybe he should have faked it--Gojyo was good at faking desire—maybe that would have saved Hakkai from being hurt and Gojyo from thinking about his friend's wounded look.

No, there was a reason Gojyo's return kiss had only been lukewarm. And even if the memory was painful to remember, at least it was real. Besides, if Gojyo had faked it, Hakkai would have known. But still … How would he ever be able to look Hakkai in the eyes again?

The whole situation would've been easily avoided if Gojyo had told Hakkai the story--as he should have—long ago. Now there wasn't an option; he had to tell. And with Hakkai already upset …

"I'm such an idiot," he groaned to himself.

"At least you saved me the trouble of telling you that." Holding an empty glass, Sanzo sat down at the table. He helped himself to the bottle and poured a generous amount of the amber-colored liquid.

"What the fuck do you want?" Gojyo tried to hiss out his words and sound tough, but they came out slurred, and he only ended up sounding drunk.

"A drink."

"Oh." Gojyo's muddled mind couldn't come up with a more interesting comeback.

Sanzo sipped his drink and then lit a cigarette, all the while glaring at Gojyo. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

He opened his mouth to fire off a responding insult, but all that came out was, "I totally fucked up."

"How is that something new for you?" Sanzo took another drink.

Even in his inebriated state, Gojyo had enough sense to keep his mouth shut. He lifted his unlit cigarette to his mouth and tried to light it. But since his coordination had left him approximately two drinks earlier, sparking the lighter seemed ridiculously difficult.

After three tries, Sanzo growled in exasperation and held out his own burning lighter.

Gojyo leaned forward. "Thanks."

"If you set your hair on fire, I'm not putting it out."

Gojyo sat back, inhaling the sweet calm of nicotine. "So, what do you think I should do?"

"What the hell do I look like, a camp counselor or something?" Sanzo's voice dropped to a low grumble. "Just talk to his brooding ass."

"Hey, wait," Gojyo's befuddled mind tried to make its way through the alcohol, "how can you even answer that question? You don't even know what I'm talking about." He narrowed his eyes. "Do you?"

"I'm not a moron." Sanzo sucked on his cigarette and glared some more. "Have you ever considered that if I can piece some of this annoying shit together, he can, too?"

Gojyo blinked. He hadn't thought about that.

Sanzo set his elbows on the table and took another sip of whiskey. "Don't underestimate Hakkai. I'm sure he's figured most of it out already."

"But … this is bad." Gojyo grabbed the bottle again. "He'll never forgive me for this."

Shrugging, Sanzo said, "Maybe not, but you won't find out sitting here and crying in your booze like a bitch, will you?" He snatched the bottle from Gojyo's grasp and poured himself another shot. When he set it down again, the bottle was beyond Gojyo's reach.

"You're such a bastard. I don't know how the monkey puts up with you." Gojyo stared at the monk, and all of his sarcasm melted away. He picked up his empty glass and studied it. "You're lucky Goku loves you. You know that, don't you?"

Sanzo took a long, slow drag on his smoke and closed his eyes. "Huh."

Gojyo crushed out his cigarette and stood up, swaying as his vision tried to catch up with his body--he had to grab the edge of the table to steady himself.

"I'm probably too drunk to do this." He took an experimental step towards the door and the room listed a bit. Nope, Gojyo was pretty sure _he_ was the one that listed, and not the room.

Sanzo called softly from behind him. "Gojyo."

Gojyo looked over his shoulder. Sanzo was still glaring, but then again, Sanzo glared most of the time.

"Don't fuck this up."

Gojyo turned to face the pissy monk. "No fucking pressure, huh? Hey thanks, dickhead."

"Just tell him. Only one of two things will happen."

"Yeah? What would that be?"

"Either he'll be fine, or he'll kill you." Sanzo shrugged again. "Sounds simple."

Gojyo was certain the bastard gave him one of those phony-assed half-smiles, but his eyes weren't focusing well enough for him to be certain. "Fucker." He turned away and staggered towards Hakkai's room.

The walk upstairs and down the hallway seemed to take forever. As he stumbled along physically, he mentally swam through his fuzzy, alcoholic thoughts and latched onto the life preserver Sanzo had thrown to him. Hakkai already knew everything.

Gojyo shook his head, causing the walls to ripple. That was a stupid thought; of course Hakkai must already knew. The guy knew everything about Gojyo. Hell, Hakkai knew everything about all of them, it was sort of a weird—almost kinky--hobby for him.

But that didn't explain why Hakkai hadn't said anything about it. That left the other, much scarier option. Hakkai knew what had happened, but he was in denial about the whole thing. Hakkai was a good at denial. Really, really good. What would happen when Gojyo pulled that denial out into the light and forced him to see it? How would Hakkai handle that?

Shit.

Besides, Hakkai might know the where and when, but he didn't know the other part--the emotional part, the _real_ part. The wonder, frustration, joy, and sorrow. No one knew about that--at least no one living, anyway--and even Gojyo had stuffed all those feelings into a dark corner of his mind and tried his best to forget. He smiled internally at his pathetic ridiculousness. As if he could ever forget.

He'd stopped moving, and now he was standing in front of a door–Hakkai's door--with his hand raised, ready to knock. Gojyo's breathing was ragged and his heartbeat hammered so loudly he could almost hear it echoing in the hallway. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been this scared. Gojyo wasn't good at this kind of shit. Sure, he could charm his way out of almost any situation, but that wasn't real. Not like this. _Real_ shit was so heavy and hard. And painful.

Not for the first time, he considered running away. If he left now, just walked out the door, he could be miles away before anyone missed him. Sanzo would never let the rest follow him. Yeah. He would do that.

No, he wouldn't.

Gojyo leaned his shoulder and forehead against the doorframe. He had enough regrets in his life and he would _not_ add Hakkai to that pile. He'd rather be dead. Straightening his back and his resolve, he lifted his hand, ready to strike, when the door suddenly opened.

Hakkai stood there with his crisp, ironed shirt, his perfect posture, his phony smile—and stared at Gojyo. To everyone else, Hakkai would seem normal–unreadable--but even in Gojyo's current state of inebriation, he could see his friend's distress.

Hakkai's pants looked just a bit wrinkled, his shoulders had a slight hunch in them, and his fingers twitched almost imperceptibly—that told Gojyo everything. Hakkai was hurt. Badly. And Gojyo was the source of that hurt.

Gojyo tried not to sway and grabbed the doorframe to steady himself, as much from the booze as the realization of what he'd done. And what he was about to do. "Can I come in?"

"Of course, Gojyo. It's your room, too."

Oh, yeah; he'd forgotten they were sharing tonight. Stepping into the room and chewing on his lip, Gojyo tried to figure out where to start.

He glanced at the single window in the room and realized it was open. Gojyo was suddenly aware that the air was heavy with humidity and charged with the faint scent of ozone, clear signs of a coming thunderstorm. A dull, gray light reflected from the charcoal-colored clouds and struggled to illuminate the walls. Their room seemed overly warm, and sweat gathered between Gojyo's shoulder blades as he faced Hakkai and his fixed, impenetrably green stare.

They'd ended up so close that Gojyo could feel Hakkai's breath against his lips. Less than an inch separated them, yet they remained frozen in place, neither backing away nor moving forward.

Gojyo opened his mouth to speak, but Hakkai beat him to it.

"I'm sorry, Gojyo. I shouldn't have kissed you." Hakkai stepped back, his voice soft and full of apology. "I think I misunderstood our circumstances."

 _Hakkai_ was sorry? How very like him to take blame for Gojyo's shortcomings. The apology made Gojyo feel even worse, and at the same time, oddly pissed off.

He ran a hand through his hair. "You didn't misunderstand, not at all, 'Kai, but I …" He could hear distant thunder rolling across the sky. "Hakkai, before we … Shit. I have to tell you something first."

"No." Hakkai shook his head. "You don't have to make excuses, and there's nothing you need to tell me."

"It's not like that--I'm not making excuses. And yes, I do need to tell you. It's something I've needed to tell you for years." Gojyo's senses sharpened, adrenaline coursing through him with the force of a tsunami. He was now completely sober and filled with sheer terror. Hakkai was the most important person in his world, and Gojyo could hardly believe he'd dragged his feet for so long and put them in this situation. There was a very good chance what he had to say would end any relationship they had.

"All right." Hakkai was definitely hurt. Everything in his body language practically reeked of his pain. He sat at the little table near the window and folded his arms. "If you feel it's necessary, I suppose I had better hear what you have to say."

Lightning flashed in the distance—but it was still miles away, and the corresponding rumble took several seconds to reach them. There was no doubt; a major storm was coming.

And Hakkai was still waiting for Gojyo to begin his story.

Gojyo was a card player; he lived and died by his ability to charm and deceive, and by his occasional streaks of good luck. The hand he currently held was mediocre at best--things could go either way, but now was not a time for bluffing. He laid his imaginary hand face-up for Hakkai to see.

Gojyo sat down at the table, across from Hakkai. He wasn't looking forward to telling this story—aside from the fact that it might tear his relationship with Hakkai apart, it would make Gojyo truly vulnerable. There were so many emotions and moments he didn't want to relive, and yet, so much of it made him who and what he was. He owed Hakkai this story, and maybe, just maybe, he owed it to himself to tell it.

Exhaling, Gojyo tried to relax as he let himself fall backwards in time. Images tumbled through his mind of warm rain, long summer days, chestnut-colored hair, and a different set of green eyes.

His voice quavered when he finally spoke. "When I was fifteen, I met my first love ..."

***


	2. Part 1

He ran down the gloomy, sunless alleyway, following a woman's screams. When he found her, the scene in progress didn't surprise Gojyo. In fact, the situation was almost exactly what he expected. He was glad there were only three of them. He could take three.

Even with Gojyo's usual amount of taunting, their scuffle didn't last long. As two of his opponents limped away, dragging the unconscious third, Gojyo reminded them of where they were.

"This is our territory! Remember to keep your sorry asses out of it! You were lucky it was only me this time. Now hurry up before I change my mind about letting you go! Fucking rapists."

He smiled as they moved a little faster. Once they'd disappeared, he gingerly touched a growing bruise under his right eye and winced. One of the sneaky, twisted bastards managed to blindside him. He should have beaten them more.

He turned and faced the girl. She was sitting up now, and although her eyes were still wet with tears, she wasn't crying anymore. Gojyo was glad; he hated it when chicks cried.

"You okay?"

"Yes." She climbed to her feet, holding the tattered remains of her dress together. "You saved me, thank you. I'm not certain I could take being raped again."

The _again_ wasn't lost on him, but Gojyo didn't ask any questions. His life on the streets had taught him that reopening old wounds didn't make them better. Besides, he knew firsthand the anger, frustration, and disgust rape caused. He also knew that the last thing she would want was sympathy.

Instead, he tore his eyes away from her exposed skin. "What are you doing here? This isn't a part of town that schoolgirls should be alone in. How old are you, anyway?"

"I'm not a schoolgirl, and I'm not a child. I'm _fifteen_. And what difference does my age make, anyway? You don't look any older than me." She straightened her back. "I happen to be looking for someone, if it's any of your business."

She was a fearless one; he'd give her that. He kind of liked that about her. "This is my _gang's_ territory." Gojyo leaned his shoulder against a crumbling building wall when he emphasized the word. Saying it filled him with a strange pride, just like knowing he actually belonged somewhere did. "I know everyone in this part of town. Who are you looking for?"

"My brother."

"Is he in a gang?"

"Maybe." She stared at him. "I don't know."

"What does he look like?"

"I … don't know actually." Her fingers closed tighter on her torn clothing and her face scrunched up as if she were trying to remember. "We were separated when we were young. I remember he had dark hair and green eyes like mine, but that's about all. I found the orphanage where he was raised, but he'd already left."

Even in the alley's dim light, her eyes were practically glowing green. He would've remembered if he'd ever seen eyes that color before. He shook his head, thinking of his own brother and wondering if he would go through the same perils to find Jien. He felt a sadness he hadn't experienced in a long while.

"Sorry, I don't know your brother. And you shouldn't be here."

"Oh." Her head dropped and her shoulders quivered.

Great. Now she was crying. Gojyo pushed a strand of hair out of his eyes. "Look, I'll ask around, but I really don't think he's here. Go back to your safe orphanage. This place is a little rough for your sort."

"My sort?" She made a funny noise, sort of laughter and crying mixed together to form a hollow, empty sound. "Oh, yes, because they have four walls and some food, you automatically think orphanages are _safe_ , don't you? Nothing bad could ever happen if you have a roof over your head, right? You know nothing." She spun on her heel and stomped away.

She was right. He thought about where he'd spent the early years of his life. Sure, that place had warmth, food, and shelter. It'd also had his mother.

"Hey, wait!" Before he'd really thought about it, he ran after her. "It's dangerous here; I'll go with you. Okay?"

He caught up and matched her pace. She walked quickly but didn't argue with him; in fact, she didn't even look at him.

"Hey, did you hear me?" Gojyo reached for her shoulder but pulled back his hand when she flinched.

She stopped and nodded, but still didn't make eye contact. "Yes."

He guided them through a tangle of shadowy back streets. When they reached a safer, more reputable side of town, he hesitated. "Sorry, I can't take you any further. I've already got a bit of a reputation in this area, and I don't want anyone to think I'd do that." Gojyo pointed at her torn dress.

Finally, she spoke again. "You’re a kind person. Thank you for getting me here and for saving me."

Compliments always caught him off guard, especially _real_ compliments. He felt his face heat, and he shrugged. "No problem."

She tipped her head to one side. "What's your name?"

"Gojyo."

"I'm Kanan," she said quietly as she bowed in thanks.

There was more light at the mouth of this alleyway, and he took a good look at her. She was young and not really his type. She was a little too thin, and she had a schoolteacher look going on with her plain dress. But on the other hand, she had a mass of mussed-up chestnut-colored hair, smears of dirt on her face, and those amazing green eyes that reminded Gojyo of a calm, cool forest. He felt as if he could fall into those eyes.

Mentally shaking himself out of his daydream, he cleared his throat. "Look, if I find out anything about your brother, where should I …"

"I'm at an apartment house near the park. It's called …" she furrowed her brow, and Gojyo thought she looked pretty cute when she did that. "I can't remember what it's called."

"Don't worry, I know the one you're talking about." He turned away and waved his hand over his head. "See ya."

As he worked his way back home, he thought about Kanan and her amazing green eyes. The odds were good that he'd never see her again. There was no reason for her to come back again--her brother wasn't there. Besides, she was too proper and too _fine_ for his part of town. Yeah, he'd never see her again.

So … why couldn't he stop thinking about her?

***

A few days later, he and his gang mate Grif were making a cigarette run for Banri when he met up with her again. This time her hair was in a neat, thick braid, her dark brown dress was in one piece, and she was carrying a small bag of groceries.

"Hello, Gojyo!" She gave him a bright smile, but then frowned and reached forward, almost touching his bruise. "Oh no, look at your black eye! That looks bad."

Her green eyes were even more startling the second time around, but he was more surprised when her fingers hovered over his swollen right eye.

Gojyo cleared his throat. "Nah, it's nothing. I've had lots worse."

"Yeah." She smiled at him and shifted her fingers to his scars, tracing them lightly with a tender caress. Her fingertips felt both hot and cold against his cheek. Her smile melted. "I think maybe you do know something about sorrow. I'm sorry I was so mean the other day."

When he was a kid, Gojyo had touched a light socket once, suffering through the electric shock and the weird lingering sensation afterward. His skin tingled where she'd touched him--just like the light socket, only much … nicer. Gojyo stared at Kanan and swallowed.

She tipped her head to the right and clasped her hands. "I'm glad to see you again. I'd like to do something for you, in payment for saving me."

Gojyo's mouth was dry, and Grif's elbow in his ribs finally brought him out of his shock. "Yeah, okay. What did ya have in mind?"

"Well … I can't cook, but I can buy you dinner. Is next Tuesday all right? I don't work that night."

"Er, sure." Gojyo didn't know what else to say.

"Great." She gave him another smile, and he was sure his heart beat a little faster. "Can you meet me at the apartment house at seven o'clock?"

"Uh, y-yeah." His voice cracked as he stammered out the word.

"Well, I have to go to work now, but I'll see you then!"

Gojyo watched the gentle sway of her hips as she walked away. Maybe she wasn't too thin, after all.

Next to him, the hulking, tactless Grif openly ogled her and gave Gojyo a tooth-shaking, congratulatory slap on his back. "Way to go, dude! That's some classy shit, there."

"Shut up, dumbass."

***

Banri leaned back in his chair and studied Grif and Gojyo. He chewed on the end of his cigarette. "A girl, huh?"

"Yeah," Gojyo answered while mentally cursing Grif and his big mouth. He took a drink of his beer and made a face. He still hadn't quite acquired a taste for the stuff, although Banri assured him he would eventually. "I told you about her a few days ago. Those pansies from the East-Side Gang were on her and I stopped it. No big deal."

Grif grumbled, "Those pricks. How many times do we need to kick their asses before they get the hint? I think we need to pay them another visit."

Banri smirked at Gojyo. "So now she wants to pay you back for saving her, huh? Lucky."

Gojyo shrugged. "I guess."

"That's not the best part." Grif grinned. "She was a _good_ girl."

Glaring at Grif, Gojyo hissed, "Dude, shut the fuck up."

Grif blinked at him. "What? It's true, she was. And she was totally coming on to you!"

"Now that could be a problem." Branri crushed out his cigarette. "You get tangled up with one of the good girls, and the next thing you know, you're married and ya got a brood ta feed. Then you'll have ta get, you know, _respectable_." Banri always screwed up his face whenever he said the word _respectable_.

Gojyo shook his head. "Nah, it's not like that."

After a moment, Banri gave Gojyo a lopsided leer. "Stick to the barflies and the unhappily married gals. Those girls know the score and won't tie you down."

"Oh, I don't know about that, Banri," Grif said with a wink at Gojyo. "Sometimes those good girls are just looking for a bad boy to get their kink on with."

"Yeah." Banri lit another cigarette. "But that's a disaster waitin' ta happen. When her family finds out, they'll send their muscle around ta remind ya of your place in life. Ya might find yourself in a work camp or worse, and who's gonna believe your sorry ass over a respectable family's word? That's just asking for trouble."

Gojyo didn't bother to mention the part about Kanan being an orphan. Bringing more attention to her would be bad, and he just wanted everyone else to forget about her.

Grif grinned. "You make it sound like you know all about it, Banri."

Banri stood up, then turned and punched Grif in the mouth, knocking the bigger man backwards. Grif stumbled over a chair and fell on his ass.

Banri scowled as he loomed over the fallen man, and his voice had the psychotic edge of dangerous anger it sometimes got. "Shut up, dumbass. I do know what I'm talkin' about--they may seem harmless, but they ain't. Take my advice and stay away from 'em. They'll only break your heart."

For a fleeting moment, Gojyo was certain that somewhere, sometime, Banri had actually loved someone. Then he burped and scratched at his crotch, and the illusion of Banri with a heart burst like an over-inflated balloon.

Even so, much of what Banri said made sense. Why would someone like Kanan be interested in a loser like Gojyo? Sure, she'd grown up in an orphanage, but at least she had an education. Gojyo was just a street kid, and it wasn't likely he'd ever be anything more than a petty thief. On top of all that, he was a taboo half-breed. He didn't have anything to offer a respectable girl.

Gojyo didn't think she was playing him, but when it came right down to it, all she had to do was accuse him of anything and he'd be screwed. Banri was right; he'd be better off if he stayed away from her.

Trouble was, he knew he wouldn't.

***

The following Tuesday night found him outside the apartment building. All day he'd thought about her--no, actually--all _week_ he'd been thinking about her. Although he'd only talked to her a couple of times, she'd done something to him. He didn't understand it, but he wanted to see her again.

Sometimes before a fight or when he was stealing, he felt a little nervous. But those nerves were nothing like this. Right now, his stomach felt like an arena where dragon-sized butterflies were waging epic battles.

Gojyo had nicked some new clothes and taken a bath, but when he checked himself out in a mirror, all he could see was a punk. Sure, he was better dressed and clean, but he was still a punk. No matter what he did, he'd always look like a half-breed. For a moment, he wondered if she understood what he was. Not everyone knew what red hair and eyes meant. Maybe he should tell her, but if he did, she might not want to be around him.

"Hi, Gojyo."

At the sound of her voice, Gojyo and the warring dragon-butterflies in his stomach all held their breath. She was wearing a green dress this time, and it was tighter than the last one, accentuating her curves. He forced his gaze up and looked into her amazing eyes. His voice cracked embarrassingly when he said, "Hey."

Kanan smiled at him, and although she didn't say anything, he got the distinct impression that she was amused. "Are you ready?"

Gojyo stuffed his hands in his pockets and tried to stay cool. "Sure."

She stepped closer and straightened his collar. Her crisp, freshly washed scent spilled over him, and his knees went weak. When she pulled her hands away, she tipped her head to the right and raked her eyes over him. "Gray and black is a nice color combination on you. You look good."

Her words made him feel oddly proud. Gojyo didn't know how to react, so instead he simply stared at her.

She sounded patient when she asked, "What?"

"You don't talk like you're fifteen; you sound like an adult."

"As do you." She slipped the strap of her bag over her head and settled it on her shoulder. It partitioned her breasts and made them look bigger. "We're both older than we should be. We've had to grow up fast."

Gojyo dragged his eyes away from her chest and looked into her eyes. "You don't know anything about me."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh, I think I know enough. I can see anger and pain in your eyes. I get that, I have my own issues."

He studied her for a moment, and then looked towards the sunset. Gojyo was uncomfortable talking about stuff like this. "So, where are you taking me for dinner?"

"I'm taking you to the restaurant where I work. My boss is expecting us."

"Oh, that's cool." Gojyo's stomach growled, giant flying insects forgotten with the possibility of real food. He hadn't eaten a decent meal in quite some time.

She laughed, and he thought it might be the most wonderful sound he'd ever heard. "Come on."

The restaurant wasn't fancy, but it was clean and charming. They sat at a table in a back corner, separate from the rest of the room. The owners, a husband and wife team named Tang, doted on Gojyo. They thanked him again and again for saving Kanan, and then they brought him more food than he'd eaten in the previous week.

Gojyo was a bit overwhelmed. He was used to being on the outside, but here, he was completely accepted. These people weren't punks and thugs; they were family people, and they welcomed him as an equal. Kanan watched him from across the table, and her smile made him feel important and wanted. Gojyo savored every moment, wanting the night to last forever and knowing that soon, it would only be a pleasant memory.

After he finished, Kanan grinned at him. "Can you even walk after all that food?"

"Yeah." Gojyo was full, but he knew he'd be hungry again soon. He never really got enough to eat.

"There's supposed to be a full moon tonight. Would you walk with me down by the river?"

"Sure."

They wandered toward a path by the river. Insects buzzed in the long grass by the river's edge, and a scent of wet dirt filled the air. Gojyo racked his brain for something intelligent to say, but he didn't know how to talk to an educated girl. His friends and the women he normally associated with didn't require a lot of conversation. He rubbed his damp palms on his pants as the silence stretched on and became increasingly uncomfortable.

Finally, Kanan rescued him. "You know about my family, Gojyo, but what about yours?"

Gojyo shrugged. "I don't have one."

"So you're an orphan, like me?"

"Orphan? I'd never really thought about it, but yeah, I guess I am."

"You don't have any family at all?"

Gojyo thought about Jien. "No."

"Oh. You didn't go to an orphanage?"

He stopped, picked up a handful of rocks, and threw one into the river. "Nah."

She turned toward him. "You've been living on the street?"

"Right now I'm rooming with a friend. But off and on, yeah, I've lived on the streets."

"How do you survive?"

He looked away from her and shrugged. How could he tell her what he did? She'd be disgusted and freaked out. When he had to examine his lifestyle closely, it freaked him out, too. Prostitution and thievery made sense when you were hungry and cold, but unless you'd lived it, you couldn't possibly understand it.

She didn't push the subject. "That must be difficult."

"Sometimes." He glanced over at her and then pitched another rock into the calm, slow-moving water. The rock made a blooping splash, and then rippling rings were expanding outward. "But orphanages sound like they can be bad, too."

Kanan's voice had a hard edge to it. "They can. I received an education, but sometimes I wonder at what price. Some of the priests and even some of the nuns were not good people--not to mention some of the other orphans."

"You can run into the same kind of bad people on the streets, maybe more of them, but you have freedom, too." Pitching the last of his rocks into the water and watching the rippling circles overlap, Gojyo thought about how their stories overlapped in kind of the same way. He didn't say it out loud, though; she'd probably laugh at him.

"Yes, I suppose so." Kanan shivered. "I'm kind of cold. Would it be all right if I held onto your arm?"

"Uh, sure." Gojyo once again didn't know how to react. He was used to dealing with older women who told him what they wanted. They didn't want to go for a walk or talk about anything. They wanted to keep things uncomplicated; they wanted to fuck and then have him go away. He understood that, but this girl turned everything he knew on its head.

Gojyo chewed on his lip and wondered what he should do. Should he kiss her? He didn't want to make her mad, but she was tempting. She was touching him, so wouldn't that make it all right to kiss her? But he didn't know the rules, so he didn't do anything after all. He liked her too much, and he didn't want to risk wrecking the best night of his life.

She stopped abruptly and gazed at the night sky. "Look at the moon, Gojyo! Isn't it beautiful?"

"Um, yeah." He lifted his eyes and glanced at the moon. It was big and full, but beautiful? "I guess. Looks like the moon to me."

"What?" She giggled. "You need to look again. See? It's orange--it's huge; it fills the sky and draws you in. Can't you see beauty in that?"

"You're a strange girl." Gojyo stared at her until he realized she was serious. He shifted his eyes upward again.

Her hand tightened around his arm, and she whispered, "Do you see it?"

This time when he looked up, sound fell away. He could see what she was saying about the moon drawing him in, and he couldn't tear his eyes from the sight. On the very edges of his senses, Gojyo could feel Kanan move closer.

"Gojyo?"

"Yeah?" He turned his head and looked at her. The feeling of the moon pulling him was nothing in comparison to the freefall he experienced when he gazed into her comforting green eyes. His mouth was suddenly very dry.

"Can I kiss you?" Moonlight revealed her deep blush. "I've never kissed anyone before, and I'd like you to be my first. Is that okay?"

He was fifteen. The only mother he'd ever known had tried to kill him. When he was twelve, he had traded his virginity in exchange for a meal. Luckily, the guy had known what he was doing, and Gojyo's first sexual experience wasn't the horror it could have been. Since then, he'd slept with countless women and more than a few men. Sometimes he did it for money, sometimes for food, and sometimes just because the opportunity was there. He'd also been raped several times and even gang-raped once. He knew the difference between sex and violence.

What he felt when he was with this girl didn't fit into either category. He wanted to know more, but he didn't quite know what to do. Finally, he nodded. "Yeah, if you're sure. That'd be cool."

She raised herself to her toes, and he slipped a hand under her elbow to steady her. Smiling shyly, she angled closer and then kissed him.

The touch of her lips on his was soft, moist, and awkward. Even so, her sweet and inexperienced attempt was possibly the most erotic kiss he'd ever received. In response, he placed his other hand loosely around her waist and gently returned her kiss. The scent of her shampoo and soap washed over him, and Gojyo's reaction was far more than he'd expected. His erection was immediate and embarrassing, and he fought his desire to crush her body against his. Somehow treating her like he treated anyone else just seemed dirty and wrong.

All too soon, she pulled away. He couldn't see her face since she kept her head down, but he did hear her nervous laugh. "Thank you, Gojyo, that was … I liked that."

"Me, too." He wanted to kiss her again, but she'd probably wig out if he pressed the issue right now.

She looked up, her face bright and untroubled. "I can't believe it. I guess it will be possible for me to touch others. After everything I've been though, I didn't think I would ever be able to enjoy anything like that."

Gojyo tried to wish his hard-on away. "I know what you mean, but it doesn't always have to be horrible."

She smoothed down the front of her dress. "Is that so?"

"Yeah."

"Gojyo? Will you see me again?"

He blinked at her. "What?"

"Sometime next week, maybe?" She placed her hands behind her back and stared at the moon again. "I trust you, and I'd like to spend more time with you."

Her words and body language were very suggestive, but he thought he might just be imagining it. Even so, his erection throbbed in time with his heartbeat. "Why me? I might be another rapist for all you know."

"No, not you. You're a nice person, and I can tell you'd be nice to me." She looked over her shoulder and smiled shyly. "I'd like to learn how to be nice, too."

Was she … nah. Gojyo shook his head and barked out a nervous laugh. "Maybe we should just go for a picnic or something. I'm not certain I could help you."

She faced him, her hands still locked together. "I didn't think you'd be such a gentleman, but that's good, too."

 _Gentleman_? Gojyo opened his mouth, but he didn't know what to say.

She laughed. "I'm sorry, I'm being too forward, aren't I?"

Gojyo closed his mouth, unable to keep up with her. She made him feel strange, happy and nervous and scared all tangled up together, but he definitely wanted to see her again. "I don't think you're too forward."

"So, is Friday all right for you?"

"Yeah. That'd be good."

"Okay, then. Now you should kiss me and walk me home."

Gojyo rolled his eyes and repeated a phrase he'd heard Banri say, "I think you read too many romance novels."

"Yes, I suppose I do." She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "So does that mean you don't want to kiss me?"

He rolled his eyes again. "Yeah, right."

Angling close, he delivered a soft kiss. When their lips touched for a second time, everything Gojyo thought he knew changed forever.

***


	3. Part 2

"Gojyo, did you go to school at all?"

They were sitting in a park by the river. It was their fourth date, and this time, Kanan had taken him seriously about the picnic idea. Gojyo had already inhaled all the food. Now he lay on his back and stared at the slow-moving, pure white clouds.

"Nah." He yawned. "I never went to school."

"Can you read?"

He sneered and said, "Of course I can read."

"Oh, really?"

A book landed on his chest, startling him. He grabbed it and sat up. "Hey, what was that for?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Then read me something."

Gojyo gazed at the book. There was a badass-looking guy on the cover holding a sword, with a monster coming at him. "Cool."

"It's a good story." She crossed her arms and nodded at the book. "Read me some."

"Tch." He threw the book back at her, and it fell in front of her folded knees. "You already know I can't."

She picked up the book and then looked at him, her face stricken. "You can't read anything?"

He shrugged. "A little, but I'm not the kind that needs an education. Punks don't, ya know."

She flung the book at him with everything she had. It sailed past him and landed in the grass a few feet away. "Don't say that! Don't you ever say that again!"

"Whoa! Hey, why are you so mad?"

She screwed up her face. "It's not fair! Can't you see that?"

He climbed to his feet, not understanding what was happening. "What are you talking about?"

"Gojyo … " Her voice cracked with emotion and then, confusing him further, she started to cry.

"Hey, Kanan?" He took a step closer to her. "What's wrong? What did I do?"

"It's not something you did!" She rubbed at her eyes. "All those horrible people I went to school with know how to read, and you don't. It's not fair."

He laughed and sat down next to her. "Is that all? I told you, it's not that big of a deal."

"It is a big deal!"

Gojyo didn't bother to argue anymore. Sitting next to her was a bad idea; he could smell her, and he really wanted to kiss her. She still had her head down, so he tentatively reached out and touched her back. Kanan fell against him and curled one arm around him while she rested her head against his chest and cried. Not knowing what else to do, he wrapped both arms around her.

Time seemed to slow down as he held her. When her tears finally stopped, he was conscious of her breathing, her heartbeat, and the press of her breasts against his chest. He had a hard-on without even thinking about it, and he was glad he'd worn a long shirt he'd left purposely untucked. Just in case.

"Hey, I've got an idea." She pulled away from him. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she still looked terrific. "Let me teach you."

His twitching cock demanded all his attention, so at first, he didn't understand her words. "What?"

"Why don't I teach you how to read?"

He blinked at her. "You'd do that? I mean, _can_ you do that?"

Kanan smiled, and Gojyo involuntarily caught his breath. "Of course I can teach you! I think." She glanced at him. "Would you want to learn?"

She was right. Even the most simple writing boggled his mind. He didn't like feeling stupid, but he didn't like admitting he couldn't read, either. Not everyone could read, but he had noticed that people who could tended to be people in charge. "Yeah. I think I'd like that."

"That's great!" She grinned for a moment before grabbing both sides of his head and getting very close. Her tea-scented breath caressed his skin when she said, "Now remember, learning how to read might not be easy at first. Don't expect too much right away, all right?"

She already sounded like a schoolteacher. He nodded because it seemed like the required response.

"Maybe we can start next week." She leaned against him. "That would be an equal exchange."

"Exchange for what?"

She laughed and kissed him, opening her mouth when his tongue touched her lips. Then he forgot to ask what they were exchanging.

 

***

"That's so good, Gojyo!" Kanan leaned over his shoulder to point at his paper. "I can't believe how fast you're picking all this up. You're amazing. Although to be completely honest, your penmanship could use some work."

Gojyo didn't answer because her soft breasts were pressing into his back. The brain part of him wished she wouldn't do that because it distracted him. The dick part, however, loved it, and without missing a beat, he had a woody the size of a desk. Eventually, like every time he got a lesson, he'd have to excuse himself to jack off in the bathroom. She seemed so clueless when it came to stuff like that, and he wondered if she had any idea of what she did to him.

The brain part wrestled the dick part under control, and he turned his head and looked into her green eyes. They were bright, clear, and proud. Her pride in him was bewildering; and he never knew how to react. She'd been teaching him for about a month, and each time they met for a lesson, he swore she was more enthusiastic. Then again, so was he, but he had an ulterior motive.

After their lessons, they'd usually spend an hour or so making out. She was tentative and shy, so he hadn't pushed her too far. He didn't want to scare her, but he didn't know how much longer he could remain a _gentleman_ , as she put it. Kanan didn't seem to mind the tongue in her mouth or his light touches to her covered breasts, but he had yet to try anything else.

And he wanted to try more.

"Gojyo?" She straightened.

He looked up at her, aware he'd been daydreaming. His cock twitched and his balls ached; he wanted her. "Sorry, I was … um, thinking about something else."

"Maybe that's enough for today." She smiled shyly. "Now it's my turn."

"What?" He blinked at her and tried to get his _other_ head to quiet down.

"Remember?" She giggled nervously. "I said my teaching you to read would be a fair trade?"

"Yeah." His eyes swept over her, openly taking in every detail. He licked his lips while he stared at her bare feet on the wood floor, at the dress ending above her knees, and her wild and loose hair. Gojyo was certain he was sweating. After swallowing, he forced out more words. "I always meant to ask you about that."

She held out her hand. He took it. "I think you have something to teach me." She tugged on his hand, and he followed her lead and stood. She stepped closer, kissing him with passion while she pressed her body into his.

She broke the kiss and stared into his eyes. "Teach me, Gojyo."

His balls were aching and tight, and he'd hoped they'd get to this point, but he was surprised, too. "Kanan, are you sure?"

"You have to take it slow, and I'm not ready for everything, but …"

Gojyo pulled her close and kissed her. He tried to be gentle, but his pulse roared in his ears. Walking her backwards, he cracked his eyes open until they reached the bed.

Her eyes were dark. "Gojyo …"

"It's all right." Gojyo tried to keep his voice steady. "I promise not to go too far."

She nodded and smiled. "I trust you." Then she got on the bed.

Her words reined in his passion, slowing his movements. Cautiously, he stretched out next to her and touched her arm, running his fingers over bare flesh. She looked scared and turned on at the same time, so he leaned in and kissed her again, returning to what she knew. Her response was enthusiastic as she met pressure with pressure and opened her mouth for him. Their tongues curled about one another, and she moaned softly.

Gojyo could feel her trembling. Slowly, he moved his hand, caressing her shoulder and then slipping briefly over her breast and onto her hip, just to test the waters. She didn't protest or flinch from his touch; instead, she kept kissing him.

After a moment, he applied a little more pressure and slid over her right breast, squeezing just a bit and feeling her hard nipple through her clothes. She shuddered and her body arched into him. He took that as permission to proceed, and his hand darted under her dress to find her bra. One less layer of clothing made all the difference, and he groaned when her nipple poked into his palm.

His cock throbbed painfully and he quickly unzipped his pants. Gojyo was certain he'd never wanted anyone quite this much. He tugged her on top of him, and she pulled up her dress in order to straddle his hips. The pressure on his erection was almost enough to make him come.

She broke their kiss and looked into his eyes. As she wiggled her hips from side to side, her eyes widened. "Gojyo, is that what I think it is?"

He chuckled. "Yeah."

"It's huge!"

"Well, it's all right." Secretly pleased by her reaction, he grabbed her hips and shifted her forward, sliding her crotch over his cock. He groaned with the sizzling sensation of heated friction.

"Oh!" She looked confused. "That felt really good."

"Yeah." He panted and pushed her hips back.

This time her eyes nearly shut in obvious pleasure, and then she rocked her hips forward on her own. He'd wanted to touch her, but screw it--if she wanted to dry hump him, he was okay with that, too. He pulled her down to kiss him as her strokes continued, and she cried out again with the new angle.

"Gojyo," she moaned, "something's happening to me."

"Yeah," he kissed her neck, "just keep riding me, do what feels best. You'll feel great, I promise."

The force and rhythm of her stokes increased. Even through their underclothes, he could feel how wet she was. He hoped he would last, but he wasn't sure because she was grinding on him so hard. His balls tightened and his cock expanded, and he tried to slow her down, but she wasn't having it.

Her body tensed and her fingernails dug into his shoulders. "Oh, my god!"

He reacted to her orgasm with his own. His cock spurted against his boxers as he jerked her hips over him in final few thrusts. After releasing a shuddering breath, he swallowed, gazing into her wide eyes.

She panted. "What was that?"

"That," he chuckled, "was an orgasm. You've never had one before?"

"No." She rolled off him and collapsed on her side, still breathing hard. "That wasn't what I expected, not at all. Now I understand. No wonder people do this all the time."

Gojyo didn't say anything. His cock was still hard in spite of the cooling mess in his boxers.

"Can you show me other things?"

He smiled at her. "Count on it."

"Did you …?"

"Yeah."

"But you're still," she blushed as she glanced toward his erection, "you know."

"Yeah, that happens with guys. Especially young guys, I'm told."

"Do you want to do more?" She bit her lip.

Hell, yes, he wanted to do more. He pulled her close, inhaling the comforting scent of her soap mixed with the more personal scent of sex. She was too fragile to push, and everything was too new. He didn't want to scare her. "I think that's enough for tonight. We have lots of time."

Several quiet minutes passed, and Gojyo's eyes slid shut.

"Thank you, Gojyo."

"For what?"

"For letting me go at my own pace." She smoothed back his hair.

Gojyo rubbed her arm and exhaled. "You've had enough bad stuff. The good stuff is right here and waiting whenever you're ready."

For a moment, she was silent. She grasped his hand and then kissed it before settling down next to him. "You know, your ego about this is a little much."

"Ya think?"

"Yes." She snuggled into him and then chuckled. "But I still like you."

He cracked an eye open and returned her smile.

 

***

"Where are you going?" Banri sat back in one of their rickety chairs and took a drag off his cigarette.

"Out," Gojyo answered.

"Don't forget tonight."

Gojyo paused with his hand on the doorknob and then turned. "What's tonight?"

"Dude, it’s the cigarette run." Banri stared at him. "We need ya ta be lookout again."

"Oh." Gojyo didn't know what to say. He hadn't seen Kanan in almost a week and they had plans for the evening. He didn't want to miss it, but he owed Banri a lot. "I, um …"

Banri raised an eyebrow. "You're standing me up for a chick, aren't ya?"

"Well, I kind of have plans, yeah."

Shaking his head, Banri said, "Don't come cryin' ta me when she rips your fuckin' heart out, ya hear?"

Gojyo didn't say anything.

"Well, get your pussy-whipped ass outta here, I'll find someone else for lookout. Ya suck at it anyway." Banri took another drag.

"Thanks, dude." Gojyo grinned at his friend. "I owe you one."

"Ya owe me about a million. I swear ta fuck I'm turning inta a fuckin' powder puff. And you! Yer just tragic."

"Yeah, yeah. Later!" Gojyo hurried out the door, leaving Banri mumbling under his breath. He wanted to be out of sight before his friend could change his mind. The truth was, his gang's looting habits were starting to bother him a bit. He didn't want to do that kind of stuff all his life, but he really didn't have many options. Yet.

He met Kanan at her place. While he waited for her to get ready, he sat at the small, rectangular kitchen table and looked around at the old yet immaculately clean room. There were cracks in the walls, and the ceiling had rainwater stains.

Even so, the room was cheery. Kanan had decorated with baskets containing dried flowers and several quilted wall hangings. Somehow, with just a few flowers and pieces of fabric, Kanan had managed to turn her rundown, second-floor studio apartment into a comfortable home.

"Come on," she said as she picked up a big basket. She was wearing her tight green dress.

Gojyo eyed the basket with suspicion. "We aren't going a picnic, are we?"

"Yep."

"Are you nuts?" He glanced out the window and saw the gray sky. "It's going to rain!"

She gave him a smile. "It's summer. Even if it does rain, it will be warm. Now come on, I found the perfect place for my final exam."

"Your what?"

She tugged on his arm. "Oh, come on!"

He took the basket from her hands and then followed her outside. Kanan lived on the edge of town, and behind her apartment building stretched a thick woodland. They walked in silence down a pathway that led deep into the forest. He wanted to ask her where they were going, but she had that look of determination in her eyes that said she wouldn't not budge. Instead, he walked behind her, watching her ass in that tight dress and experiencing his usual hard-on.

They left the town behind and started a gentle climb, following a narrow deer path through thick forest and dense underbrush. Finally, after nearly half an hour, the trees fell away, and they found themselves in a meadow clearing--just as the rain began to fall.

"I wanted to show you this." Her breath came swiftly from their hike. She twirled, grinning at him. "Isn't it lovely?"

He watched appreciatively as her breasts swelled against the tight bodice of her dress with each panting breath. "Yes, lovely," he agreed.

She grabbed him by the chin and forced his eyes away from her chest. "While I am fond of your leering look, I'm not talking about those." She took a step back and threw her arms wide and spun about again, damp hair flowing in a circle. "I'm talking about this place; isn't it beautiful?"

The sprinkling rain was thin, steady, and warm, almost more of a fine mist hanging suspended around them. Her dress now clung to her as she began to dance. The moss underfoot was thick, keeping her movements quiet in the heavy air of the clearing while she twisted her body in fleet-footed and seemingly random motion. She couldn't be real--she was more like some mythological being from the stories she had him read.

Gojyo hadn't known she could dance. There was still much he didn't know about her, and he felt a sudden and overwhelming need to find out everything. "When did you learn to do that?"

The thick air muffled her laugher. "I learned it at the orphanage, of course. One of the nuns had spent a long while in Europe. She was a dance-- and if you asked her, a very good dancer--until one day, she fell and broke her leg, ending her career. She felt it necessary to transfer all of her disappointment onto us. I'm not very good, but I always loved it."

"Why don't you think you're very good?" Her actions were fluid and graceful as she executed a flexing step and then moved into an impossibly deft one-footed stance, arms swaying lightly above her head and then down again. He couldn't tear his eyes from her agile, flowing beauty. "I think you're amazing."

"Ah, you are the perfect boyfriend." She motioned for him to join her.

"Perfect? I'm not even mediocre." He rolled his eyes. "And you know I can't dance."

"On the contrary," she grinned at him while still doing complicated and limber things with her body, "I know you _can_ dance."

Kanan's smile was so genuine that he didn't think she was teasing him. Even so, he was uncomfortable with what she asked of him. "Really, I can't."

She floated towards him. "You dance all the time, Gojyo, you just don't know it." Swirling around him and then taking his left hand, she continued, "It's in your walk and how you touch me, and it's there even in the way you fight." With her other hand she brushed away the wet hair sticking to his cheek and then slipped both hands around his neck so that they faced one another.

Automatically he curled his own hands around her waist. Before he knew it, they were swaying, their rain-soaked bodies moving together. He guessed someone might call it dancing, but all he knew was that Kanan's body pressed tight against his.

She looked up at him, her green eyes overflowing with something strange. His body hummed in response, a kind of nervous tension coursing through him. Her look made him feel important, like she trusted him, and he wanted to live up to that trust.

"This is wonderful, Gojyo, but I have to admit that dancing isn't really what I had in mind. This is where I want you to make love to me for the first time."

Now it all made sense. Gojyo relaxed. Smiling, he said, "Final exam, huh? You really are a hopeless romantic, you know that?"

"Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic in world that devours hopeless romantics. Luckily, it seems as if I've found one of my own kind."

Gojyo's face felt warm. "You aren't talking about me, are you? 'Cause that's not like me at all."

She pressed her wet, slowly undulating body closer and kissed him. She was breathless when she spoke again. "Why do you underestimate yourself so much?"

"But I don't want to be … like that!"

"Why?" She was grinding against him now. "Women like romance, you know. We like to be told we're pretty and treated well; it's quite a turn-on."

Her aggressiveness surprised him a bit, but he ran with it. "A turn-on, huh?" Gojyo tugged her dress up and slipped his fingers beneath her panties to cup her bare ass. Fuck, he was horny. "Ya think?"

She pulled away slightly and took his hand again. "No, I _know_ it's a turn on. Come on."

He followed her without question, his erection aching with every beat of his heart. She gathered up the basket and then led him to a tree-shrouded area which was still remarkably dry. Once there, she drew out two blankets and stacked them on the ground. Then she did something he wasn't expecting.

She grabbed the hem of her dress and pulled it up and over her head. Gojyo didn't move while he watched her remove the remainder of her clothing in shy silence. When she finished, her face was scarlet, but she stood before him naked, beautiful, and proud.

He didn't say anything--he was afraid of upsetting the delicate balance in place. Instead, he followed her lead took off his own clothes. Then he lay down on the blanket and waited for her to come to him.

"So," she swallowed, a slight flicker of either fear or anticipation in her features, "will you show me now?"

He nodded and held out his hand to her. "Only if you want to."

She folded herself down to her knees. "What should I do?"

Pushing back a loose strand of her hair, he spoke quietly, "First, you need to relax. This doesn't need to be any different than what we usually do."

She bit her lip. "You don't want to?"

Gojyo chuckled softly. "Oh, I want to, can't you tell?"

She glanced at his erection. "Um, yeah."

"Go ahead and lie down."

Kanan did as he said, and he kissed her. Then he nudged her legs apart while he kissed her breasts and settled in between her open thighs.

"What …?"

"I'm going to lick you."

She looked horrified. "You can't do that!"

"Why not?" He gazed at her wide eyes and then at her hard nipples. His eyes shifted further down to see that her pubic hair was damp. Gojyo ran his thumbs along her lips and opened her. She was dripping wet, and he groaned at the sight.

He returned his line of sight to her face. She was bright red, and she had her eyes closed.

"Kanan." Dipping his head between her thighs, he inhaled her raw, willing scent. Then he raised his eyes and studied her. "Hey, look at me."

She opened her eyes. They were almost black with either desire or fear--maybe a little of both.

Gojyo hesitated. "Are you afraid?"

She shook her head.

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes." She nodded, but her breathing was still shallow and quick.

"Then relax." He ran the pad of his thumb over her clit and her breath caught. "I promise to stop if you tell me, too."

She exhaled, shuddering. "Okay."

Keeping eye contact with her, he dropped his head again. He wanted to taste her so bad. He stretched out his tongue and lightly skimmed over silky, moist skin, a low contented moan escaping from his throat as he lapped at her, savoring her slightly sour flavor.

Kanan gasped when he made a second pass, and then she threaded her fingers through his hair. He pushed his tongue inside her, reveling in her taste and the incredible amount of moisture dripping from her.

Time slowed down as he worked on her. The tip of his tongue circled her hard clit as her fingers tightened in his hair. Sliding his body down, he buried his head between her open thighs, her taste was addicting, and he couldn't get enough. He nudged her legs wider, parting her slick, soft folds, to give him greater access.

He took her gentle sighs as a sign of encouragement, and while he licked her, he slipped a single digit into her wet hole. Her muscles flexed and her breathing hitched, and Gojyo knew she was close to coming. He concentrated, keeping his pace steady and not wanting to do anything to disrupt her approaching orgasm.

Her thighs closed around Gojyo's head and her fingers tugged on his hair as she cried out. Gojyo could feel her quivering beneath him as he lapped at her overflowing pussy.

"Gojyo?"

He raised his head and licked his wet lips, confused and almost annoyed that she'd stopped him.

She was breathless. "Do you want to be inside me?"

He stared at her, surprised by her question. His cock throbbed, and he realized he hadn't even been thinking about himself. He swallowed. _Did he want to be inside her_? "I do, but are you sure?"

"Yes." She smiled. "I'm very sure."

"Okay." He sat back on his knees and wiped the excess moisture from his face. The scent of her pleasure clung to him, clean and sharp, and he embraced it. Gojyo looked at her face, soft with post-coital bliss, and paused. Part of him didn't want to do anything to wreck this moment, and the other part was desperate for contact. He reached for his discarded pants, fumbling through the pockets for one of the condoms he'd brought, and then, with practiced ease, he rolled it on.

He leaned over her. Kanan's expression was both nervous and curious as he guided his impatient cock towards her wet opening. He watched her, finally understanding that she was willing and unafraid. She was dripping wet but still so incredibly tight. Slowly and carefully he slid inside her, measuring her breaths and her body's reaction until his cock could go no further and his balls brushed against her. Fully inside her, Gojyo couldn't contain his sigh of pleasure. He was relieved when she echoed his sigh.

"Oh, Gojyo," she panted, "that feels …"

Pushing her wet hair away from her closed eyes he said, "Kanan? Are you all right?"

Her eyes fluttered open, and tears spilled from them. Gojyo froze. His voice was merely a whisper, "Should I stop?"

She tossed her head from side to side and then reached up and embraced him. "No. I'm just a little overwhelmed; I didn't think it would feel like this."

"How," he held his body motionless as his cock screamed in neglected protest, " _like this_ do you mean?"

"I didn't think I would feel so close to you." Her tears fell in earnest. "Like we are one."

"Yeah." Gojyo knew exactly what she meant. He'd had many partners, had a lot of sex, but this was different--he'd never had a connection like this before. At this moment, it felt like Kanan was his breath and his heartbeat. If felt like she was his everything.

Gojyo hoped this was love, because he didn't know what else he could call these feelings. "I'm going to move now, okay?"

She nodded.

When he eased backwards, every nerve ending was aware of her--he existed only for her. His rhythm somehow remained unhurried while he made love to her. In-and-out and side-to-side he twisted his hips, rubbing against her clit and matching his strokes to her breaths.

He pulled back and studied her, checking for signs of discomfort.

She raised her hand and smoothed back a strand of his hair. "I'm all right."

Gojyo groaned, rocking deeper inside her. His cock was swelling and his balls tightening as his climax neared. Gojyo felt Kanan's muscles gather, and she slid her legs around him, rolling her hips upward and pulling him deeper. Kanan's willing participation was more than Gojyo had expected, and when she began to move in time with him, he was lost.

His toes curled as his orgasm burned through his nerve endings like a wild fire. "Kanan …"

"Yes." She smiled when she touched his cheek. "Show me."

His body shook with the last of his strokes as his cock pulsed and his come spilled into the condom. He dropped his head as his body relaxed, careful not to crush her as he withdrew and rolled to one side, removing the condom. He tied it in a knot and tossed it nearby.

He lay back as his breathing evened out. Rain dripped steadily through the trees, but the air remained warm and heavy. He looked over at Kanan, aware that she'd been watching him for the past few moments.

She grinned at him and then kissed him, her long hair caressing his skin before she sat up. "I guess that wasn't so bad."

Gojyo raised an eyebrow. "Ya think?"

"Yes. You were very gentle with me." She kissed him again. "Thank you."

He stretched his arms. "So … does that mean we get to do it again?"

"What?" She blinked innocently at him. "Right now?"

"Well," he smiled, "maybe not this exact moment, but I'll probably be ready in a few minutes."

"Hmm." She stood up and grimaced a bit.

"Are you sore?"

"Yeah." She shifted her hips and seemed surprised. "I am."

"Huh." Gojyo placed his arms behind his head and hummed.

"Don't be so smug about it." She stepped towards her clothes.

He stared at her, noticing her pubic hair was still shiny with moisture. "You don't want to do it again?"

"I do." She picked up her dress. "But I think I'd rather do it back at home. What about you?"

He stood up in one fluid movement. "If we get to have lunch first."

She laughed while she wiggled into her dress. "Poor Gojyo. I made you walk all the way up here and didn't even let you eat."

"Yep." For a moment, he mentally toyed with the obvious joke about having already eaten but then decided against it. He didn't think she was ready for that kind of humor. "I'm starving."

Rummaging through the basket, she said, "There are sandwiches in here; will that get you back?"

"I think I can wait until we get back."

She laughed again. "Then I think we better go."

He nodded and finished dressing, before picking up the re-filled basket and taking her hand. Gojyo could already feel the stirrings of a renewed erection, and if he had any say, their walk back would be very quick.

"Let's go!"

***


	4. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun with this chapter. Banri has kind of grown on me. Kind of like a sebaceous cyst--you know what I mean--harmless, but yet, wrong.

Gojyo jumped from one rooftop to the lower one next door. The backpack he carried slapped hard against his spine, and he tried to keep his landing quiet. Not for the first time, he cursed his clumsy human half. Banri and even the giant Grif were quieter on their feet. Crouching low, he peeked over the roof and checked the dark alleyway. At least his eyesight benefited from his youkai side. There was no one there.

He swung off the roof and for a moment, the pack was lighter as he experienced freefall. Then the thing smacked heavily against his back again. Gojyo wondered what he carried for his mysterious employer--he suspected illegal drugs of some sort. It wasn't the first time he'd done something like this.

 _Mule._

He carried the goods and took any possible blame if caught. The job paid well and for the most part, if he avoided capture, there were few risks. Of course, the risks were pretty much the worst kind, but he didn’t worry too much about that. He knew the city and the safest ways through, and as back-up, Banri and Grif and a few others were out there, shadowing him, finding their own routes, some even carrying their own packs.

Landing softly on his feet, he stayed low, scanning every direction and listening for possible footsteps. There was nothing. He stood up, brushed off his pants, and walked down the alley. His steps were quick, but he didn't run. Running drew attention. He didn't have much farther to go, and he was almost back to his own turf and out of any danger. He felt himself begin to relax.

Traveling the back alleys like this, his thoughts immediately drifted toward his first meeting with Kanan. She seemed always to be on his mind these days. He wondered at her quiet acceptance--she knew he didn't have a normal job, yet she never asked what he did or how he survived. Gojyo suspected she was afraid of the answer she'd get if she did ask.

He, on the other hand, wanted to know everything about her. When they weren't together, he felt incomplete--as if he suffered from some strange hunger. Since their magical day in the forest, he'd spent nearly every available moment with her. Banri complained about Gojyo's absence a lot. Loudly. But in spite of his friend's bitching, Banri was kind of supportive--in a Banri kind of way, of course.

Ducking into a grimy doorway, he pressed himself flat and held his breath, waiting. There was a loud noise and he flinched--something metal connecting with the bricks--and he instinctively drew further back from sight. He counted his heartbeats and then heard the unmistakable sound of a catfight. Once more, he relaxed, and after a moment, he resumed his furtive walk.

Down one of the narrow cobblestone alleyways, a figure passed. A tall person, wearing a long, dark smock. Gojyo's footsteps faltered and he stood still for a moment. Was that … ?

Gojyo swallowed, the weight of his pack heavy on his shoulders. He knew he should keep walking, keep moving toward his objective, and finish his job. But …

He turned in the direction of the shadowy figure and followed.

 

 

With the time they'd spent together, and without prying, Gojyo had come to know much about Kanan. She could sew, she was a terrible cook, she enjoyed reading poetry, and she loved flowers. She didn't anger easily, but when riled, she had something of a shrewish nature that she expressed freely by way of her razor-sharp tongue. Once she got angry, she would seethe in fury for days. After experiencing her acid temper a couple of times, Gojyo did his best to avoid making Kanan angry.

There were other sides to her as well. She was very patient, spending hours teaching him how to read and write. She was also incredibly passionate, and her moods were sometimes unpredictable: she'd be laughing one moment and shouting the next. She kept him in constant confusion.

Kanan also had occasional bouts of depression. Sometimes he'd find her in bed during the day with the curtains drawn. She wouldn't respond much to him on those days, but he stayed close by anyway. Initially, he wasn't certain staying with her was the right thing to do, but on one of her brighter days, Kanan had told him that his presence made the bad days easier to handle. On the few occasions when he found her like that, sad and unresponsive, Gojyo would open the curtains and talk to her more than usual. He didn't know exactly why, but her silent, dark moods terrified him more than anything else.

Her sadness triggered memories he didn't like to revisit.

One night during a particularly bad episode, Gojyo had sat next to Kanan's bed and read a book about sailing. It was poetry, and he didn't really get it, but he'd tried all the same. He knew if he could quote some of it to her, he might get a smile. He was concentrating on a tough passage about comparing the sea to a woman when he heard her stir.

Glancing up from his book, he saw her studying him. Her long hair fanned about her head like some weird halo, and her green eyes were filled with shadows and mystery. Her intense gaze made him uncomfortable. She seemed so much older and far more troubled than usual.

Clearing his throat, he asked, "Are you hungry?"

She shook her head and then turned her gaze toward the small window, watching the end of an early fall sunset--orange and red streamers of light fading into a bruise-colored sky. "Gojyo, have you ever killed anyone?"

Gojyo stared at her, unsure what to say. Finally, he panicked, barking out a nervous laugh. His voice seemed loud when he spoke. "Why would you ask a question like that?"

Her voice was eerily monotone. "Because I have."

The words hung in the air as Gojyo held his breath. "When?"

"Last year."

Gojyo thought about his own encounters with death. Of course, being on the streets, he had seen a lot of violence, and yes, he had killed before. Sometimes there hadn't been any other option. He wanted to ask her more, but he didn't want to press.

Instead, Kanan continued on her own, in the same creepy-sounding voice. "He was one of the priests who …" She cleared her throat. "When he used to do that to me, I wanted to die. There were so many times I tried to kill myself, but I was too weak. Also," she gave him an empty smile, "it's a _sin_ , did you know that?"

He didn't, but he also didn't think she was looking for an answer. He kept silent.

"Anyway, one day I went out for a walk. I did that a lot. Sometimes I'd kid myself that I'd just keep walking and never go back, but I never did, not until after that day." Her eyes were unfocused as she gazed at Gojyo. "He followed me and he caught me on one of the narrow paths winding up a hillside. I fought him, of course, I always fought him, but that never stopped him. I think he liked that part of it."

Gojyo wanted to turn away and close his ears to her words, but he knew this was important. For her, he would take it. He would listen to her horrific story because he was beginning to realize that he would do anything for her.

Her gaze intensified. "He lost his footing and fell. I was _happy_ about it because I thought he was dead. Any normal kid would have run for help, but for some reason, I climbed down next to him. There was a lot of blood and his leg was … mangled, and I could see bone sticking out. I wanted so badly for him to be dead."

"He wasn't?" Gojyo was caught up in the story now. He could almost see her there; he could feel her anger and self-loathing, and her need to do something. "That's when you did it?"

"Yes. When he reached out and grabbed at me, it surprised me. I was angry he was still alive, and I didn't think, I just reacted. I picked up a rock and hit his head." She shuddered. "My anger and hate just took over … It was like I turned into someone else. I don't know how many times I hit him, but he was a mess when I finally came back to myself."

Gojyo choked back the bile rising in his throat. He could see this scene, too. Death was always messy.

"I went back to the orphanage, all teary-eyed and covered in his blood, and told them that he'd fallen. Of course they believed me; I was always such an obedient child." She fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Besides, who would think that a young girl was capable of such an act of violence?"

Gojyo felt an uneasy horror coil inside him. Her innocent look was very believable. He shoved aside the more complicated meanings of what she'd done because, when it came right down to it, he did understand. Sometimes actions were better than words, and sometimes, there were no choices.

He glanced at her. Her fingers worried at the edge of the blanket, waiting for him to speak.

"That's because they don't know what it's like. They've never been pushed far enough to know."

She sat up. "But you know, don't you?"

"I've never lived through what you did, but, yeah. I get it."

Kanan reached out and curled her fingers around his arm. "If you had a chance, would you do the same?"

"I know what I've had to do." He stared into her anxious face and remembered moments he didn't want to. "Sometimes it hasn't been pretty."

Her laughter had a hysterical note to it. "Part of me was so scared to tell you, but I knew you'd understand." She balled her hands into fists. "Someday, I'll find the other one, and I'll kill him, too."

Gojyo understood--and he didn't. He'd experienced her pain first hand, and he knew very well what could drive desperate people to do desperate things. When backed into a corner, decisions were easy to make. On the other hand, Gojyo hadn't ever considered finding the people who'd hurt him; wasting his time like that would be giving even more to the bastards than they'd already taken. One look at Kanan, however, told Gojyo that her vengeance was a driving force.

He chuckled a little nervously. "Wow, you sound like you’re looking for him."

Her eyes glittered with a feverish glossiness, the kind of look Gojyo had seen on religious zealots or members of a youkai-hating posse. "I am."

Gojyo swallowed. "So, do you know where he is?"

"Not yet, but I know the routes he takes when he goes on his twice-yearly visits to other parishes. It's only a matter of time before he shows." She smiled.

For some reason, her smile made Gojyo shiver. "Kanan …"

"Yes?"

He looked away. "Let's get something to eat."

 

 

Gojyo shook his head, clearing his thoughts, and remembering where he was. He slipped silently to the end of the alleyway crossing and looked around the corner. There was no man in a priest's cloak. Maybe he'd just imagined it.

The hair on the back of his neck bristled, and for a moment, he thought he'd heard something, like the whisper of shoes in the dirt. He held his breath as his ears strained to listen. The alleyway suddenly seemed quiet--in fact, it was too quiet.

He didn't have to turn to know he'd made a big mistake. Too late, he heard the soft footfalls as shadows peeled away from buildings and surrounded him. He sensed them moving, effectively cutting off any hope of escape--like a pack of wild dogs stalking their prey.

"Well, now," a gravelly voice said behind him. "What do we have here?"

Gojyo turned and faced them, his back to a crumbling building. There were five of them, members from a rival gang, and a couple of them carried bamboo staffs. Gojyo was pretty sure he was screwed. Even so, these wild dogs were about to find out Gojyo wasn't your average prey--he'd make sure he'd hurt a few on his way down.

Ignoring the others, he grinned at the leader of the band. "Hey, I remember you. You're one of those rapists I beat the crap out of, right? Three on one girl, what a bunch of pussies."

The others in the gang shifted their eyes toward their leader.

He was a tall, lanky fellow with dark skin and a bad case of acne. He frowned at Gojyo. "Big words from some damned half-breed about to get his ass kicked."

Gojyo snorted. "Good thing I've never heard that one before. Real original, butt face."

They closed in. Gojyo wasn't worried about himself--he'd taken plenty of beatings in his life--but he was worried about the pack he carried. If he didn't get it to where it was going, there'd be hell to pay. One of the smaller guys got too close, and Gojyo let loose a left hook, catching the kid by surprise and knocking him to the ground. Gojyo hoped he'd knocked him out; that would reduce the mob to four, and he might be able to handle four. He didn't have a chance to see if the guy stayed down, though, as the rest of them fell on him.

Gojyo was good at fighting, and he was strong, too, thanks to his youkai side. He managed to land a few blows, knocking another one back and clearing enough space to swing with more ease. Unfortunately, his eyes couldn't be everywhere at once, and one of his attackers managed hit him in the head with a bamboo staff.

Pain blossomed in his temple, and Gojyo staggered backward, into a wall. Blood flowed into his right eye, further obscuring his shimming vision. Someone hit him in the stomach, and as he doubled over, someone else grabbed his head and slammed it into a knee.

Falling to his knees, Gojyo swung wildly and managed to catch one in the groin with his fist. That gave him a moment--long enough to regain his footing. He could hear his heavy breathing from inside his head, a steady, rhythmic sound in his ears. The smell and taste of blood--his blood--filled his senses.

Now he was _there_ , the place where his survival instincts took hold; the emptiness that blanketed him when all else seemed lost. Gojyo swore and leapt on the leader, fists flying in his furious determination. He would not lose to a pack of rapists. They piled on him, but he kept going, somehow gaining the advantage and throwing them off one by one.

"You there!" A new voice shouted. "Stop that fighting!"

His attackers ran. Gojyo also tried to run, but he was too dizzy, and he stumbled and fell.

"Easy, lad," a soft, kind voice said before Gojyo blacked out.

 

***

His eyes fluttered open when a cool cloth grazed against his temple. He was still in the alleyway, and his fingers clutched his pack. He struggled to sit up.

"Slowly," the soft voice said. Hands helped him sit. "That's a nasty gash, my boy."

Gojyo blinked, trying to make sense of what had happened and looking at the man crouched over him. Gray eyes stared back at him, and as the man sat back on his heels, he pushed his brown hair behind one ear. Gojyo squeezed his eyes shut, trying to clear his fuzzy vision, and when he opened them again, he spotted the long, dark robe and white collar.

A priest.

"Ah, I see. You have red eyes, too, no wonder ... The road you travel must be rough, my boy." The man offered a helping hand.

Memories of what Kanan suffered at the hands of a priest filled him. Gojyo flinched.

The priest nodded and withdrew his hand. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Gojyo answered far too quickly.

"Where are your parents?"

Gojyo didn't say anything.

"You don't have any, do you? I thought as much." The priest stood up. "I would ask you to come to the orphanage, but I think you might be too old. Of course, the orphanage might be even more of a trial."

"No thanks." Gojyo climbed to his feet and the cloth on his head fell off. He caught it with one hand and realized it was soaked red with his blood. "I've heard about what goes on in your orphanages," he said, his head pounding with each syllable.

"Yes, and I'm sorry to say what you've heard is probably true." The man frowned. "I'd offer to take you to a doctor, but I'm certain you'd refuse."

"Yeah."

The man glanced at Gojyo's pack and then touched the ring on his own finger. "I'm afraid that for some of us, no place is safe."

Gojyo stared at the ring. If he hadn't been in so much pain, he would have been much more curious about it. He was certain it was a power limiter.

The priest tipped his head to one side, and his brown hair fell over his right cheek. "Will you be all right? You've lost quite a bit of blood."

"Yeah, I'm okay." Gojyo looked at the guy and noticed that one of his gray eyes was much darker than the other. "Um, thank you."

"Certainly."

"Oi!" Banri's welcome voice shouted at him. "Quit fuckin' around and come on!"

Gojyo looked toward his friend, and then back at the priest. "I have to go now."

"Yes, I see." The priest stuck his hand in his robes and then handed him a beaded necklace with a cross at the bottom. "Remember, you always have a friend in the church."

Gojyo didn't know what else to do, so he accepted the necklace and quickly stuffed it in a pocket. "Yeah, sure." He looked at the blood-soaked cloth and then held it out. "Sorry, I think I wrecked it."

The priest waved at the red cloth dismissively. "Think nothing of it. I've ruined enough handkerchiefs with my own blood over the years. "

"What?"

The priest smiled.

"Hey!" Banri shouted again. "Come _on_!"

"Thanks again." Gojyo turned and jogged down the alley, every footstep jarring his aching head.

"Go with God, my son," the priest said with a chuckle.

Gojyo shivered, but he didn't know if it was because of the priest's laughing words or because of his wounds.

Banri frowned when he got near. "Dude, what the fuck happened to ya? Yer all bloody."

"I got jumped."

"Yer losing yer touch Gojyo. Thinkin' about havin' yer girl go down on ya, weren’t ya?" Banri leered at him.

"Anyone ever tell you that you're a pig?"

"All the time." Banri slapped him on the back, making Gojyo's head swim. "Girl or not, someone had ta fuckin' help ya. Look at ya, bleedin' all over the place. Y'really are losin' yer touch. Now come on, we're late."

Once they'd made their delivery, Gojyo returned to Banri's house and let Grif patch him up.

"Dude, it's pretty shallow but it was a clean gash. Not all raggedy, so you probably won't even have a scar," Grif said as he sewed up the wound. "Twelve stitches in all. Not bad."

Gojyo hissed when the needle went through his skin, and he gripped the edge of his chair.

"Well, that's the best I can do." Grif tied off the thread, placed a bandage over the stitches, then grabbed Gojyo's chin. "I'm afraid your beautiful face will look like shit for a week or so."

"Shut up." Gojyo swatted at Grif's hand, and the sudden movement made his stomach roll. He had to swallow hard and for a moment, he thought he might throw up.

Banri looked up from his beer. "Looks a lot better without all that blood, but ya do look like shit. 'Course, that ain't sayin' nothin' 'cause ya always look like shit ta me."

Grif laughed. "Dude! Those bruises will be awesome when they start to turn."

Gojyo's stomach lurched again. "I'm sleeping for a bit. Don't bug me or I'll fucking kick your ass."

 

***

"Gojyo?" Her voice was soothing, like a dream.

"Kanan?" He opened his eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"I was worried about you. We had a date, you know."

"But that's tomorrow." Gojyo sat up. His head still hurt, but it was a distant, fuzzy pain.

"No, that's today." She leaned close and gently touched the bandage. "Grif said you'd been injured. Yesterday."

Something had happened to him. His brain tried to make some connections, but it wasn't working right. Gojyo ran a hand through his hair and felt dried blood crackle and flake against his fingers. The stuff broke loose, and brownish bits of day-old blood fell like rain onto the bedding. It was kind of disgusting.

"Yesterday? I've been asleep for an entire day?"

"Yes." She tugged at his bandage.

"Oww."

"You're a mess. Do you remember what happened?"

Hazy images swirled through his head, but they didn't feel as if they belonged to him. There were people he didn't know--and lots of blood. His blood? He glanced at his sore and scabbed knuckles; he'd definitely hit someone. "I can't remember. It's like there's a hole in my memory."

She nodded. "Head injury. Sometimes people forget stuff when they get whacked on the head like you did."

"What hit me?"

"Grif said that you told him it was a bamboo staff."

"Huh. I don't remember being in a fight or even getting here. I remember watching someone, but that's all." He touched his head and the stiff bandage.

Kanan's fingers dropped to his cheek, and he winced in pain. "Hmm. You might never remember, and possibly that's a good thing. Looks like you took quite a beating."

"When did you get here?"

"A couple of hours ago." She smiled. "Grif let me in, but I don't think the other one–Banri, is it?--I don't think he likes me. That's some interesting company you keep."

Something about her tone bothered him. "Why do you say that?"

"No reason. I just wonder how you can stand it." She grimaced and then stood up. "Can you walk?"

 _Stand it_? Was she talking about his friends? Had they said or done something to her? Banri was enough of a prick for eight people--but still, he was Gojyo's friend. "I can walk. I think."

"Then get up, I'm taking you home with me."

He swung his legs off the crappy bed, and in spite of his throbbing head he smiled. "I see. Just can't be without me, can ya?"

She grabbed his hand and helped him to his feet. "You wish. You need someone to take care of you. I don't think this lot are too worried about you."

"Why would they be?" Gojyo stood up a little slowly. His knees were weak. "We've all taken our share of hits."

"Hits? You make it sound like a game." She rolled her eyes, then slipped her arm around his waist and placed his arm around her neck. "Come on. It's chicken soup and a clean house for a bit." She wrinkled her nose.

"Clean house? Oh, I get it." She felt so good next to him, and he relaxed a bit. Somehow having her in Banri's house around his friends set him on edge. "Is that what's bugging you about this place?"

"Yes." She stepped over a gray piece of clothing that might have been white once in its lifetime. She wrinkled her nose again. "What is that horrible smell?"

He chuckled. "That's four guys living together in a little house."

She looked up at him as they limped through the door and into the living room. Her brow furrowed. "So what did you think was bugging me?"

"That we're youkai." Banri answered her from across the room. He sat in a ratty and torn chair, smoking a cigarette with his feet propped up on an even rattier ottoman. His eyes shifted from Kanan to Gojyo, and his ears wiggled. "Or _part_ youkai."

Gojyo's scalp prickled and his blood ran cold. He'd never actually asked her if she knew what he was. Not everyone did, after all. "Shut up, Banri."

"Hey." Banri lifted his feet off the ottoman, placed them on the floor, and then leaned forward in the chair. "I'm just statin' facts. Some people are scared of us 'cause we have sharp teeth and claws."

Kanan made a dismissive noise. "It's not sharp teeth and claws that make people monsters. But it might have something to do with that horrible _smell_."

She tugged Gojyo towards the door while Grif and Tero burst into laughter. Gojyo waved his hand over his head in farewell when they stepped outside. They walked for several minutes, and the cool air helped to clear Gojyo's head.

"So, you knew?"

She looked up at him again. "Knew what? That you lived in a farm yard? No."

He squeezed her shoulder. "You know what I mean."

"Gojyo," she stopped and faced him, "of course I knew. Did you really think that would matter to me?"

"It matters to a lot of people."

"I think you're a little oversensitive."

"Oversensitive?" Gojyo shook his head, hearing the words: _For some of us, no place is safe_. He couldn't remember who'd said that to him. "Sure, not everyone knows what red eyes and hair mean, but the ones who do know … Many of them object."

"What is there to object to?" She raised an eyebrow. "That you had mixed parentage?"

He blinked at her. For all her brainpower, there were times when she was incredibly clueless. "Yes, they hate my mixed parentage. Sometimes they even object to the fact that I breathe."

Her smile melted. "But …"

"Humans won't claim me and youkai think I'm an embarrassment. Banri was the first person who knew what I was from the beginning and still didn't give a rat’s ass." Gojyo didn't mention Jien, and he briefly wondered why.

"But your parents--"

"Suicide. I don't know why for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was because no one would accept them." Gojyo tried to smile. "The story is they were run out of town by an angry mob. I guess that included me, too."

"Oh, Gojyo." She looked so sad, like a little girl who had just had found out fairy tales weren't real.

"Come on, Kanan. You know how people are." He rubbed her upper arms. His head was pounding as he stared at her. "This place is pretty tolerant, but don't underestimate how hate can twist and change people."

Her eyes filled with tears. "What is there to fear from you? You are the kindest person I've ever met."

"Listen to me. If you stay with me …" He exhaled his fear. He should have told her this long ago. "If you're my girlfriend, you need to know that some people will object to you, too."

"Let them," she hissed. "I'm not afraid."

"I know you're not, but sometimes it's not that easy." He smoothed back her hair and kissed her forehead. "Let's go."

As they walked to her apartment, Gojyo remembered moments of fear and terror, and of the hatred directed at him. There was one time when he’d fled for his life while several people hunted him like an animal. He'd lived like an alley cat before Banri found him, wandering from town to town, living out of garbage cans and hoping no one would notice him. He knew what places tolerated him and what places to avoid, and he had done what he had to in order to survive along the way.

His life hadn't always been bad, and he'd met kind people along the way, too. People who let him sleep in spare rooms and fed him for a few days. People who gave him clothes and work, but he never stayed. Sooner or later, someone would object and cause problems for his good Samaritans. There was no way to explain the horrors he'd lived through because of the color of his hair and eyes.

He hoped he could keep Kanan safe from that, but he knew better. She was tough and brave, but if she stayed with him, she would eventually experience the fear of hatred. He wasn't certain what that might do to their relationship, but he supposed they would find out soon enough.

After climbing the stairs to her small apartment, Kanan gently washed the blood out of his hair and tended to his other wounds. As she threatened, she fed him chicken then put him to bed.

And while Gojyo slept, he had nightmares of evil priests, angry mobs, and red flowers that turned into rivers of blood.

***


	5. Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I was working on this fic, I contacted Xpyne of Soliandxpyne and asked her if she still had her YaoiCon drawing--the one of Gojyo and Kanan, umm ... _involved_. I wanted to add the pic that started the whole thing, or a link to it, if she would agreed. Xpyne told me that the drawing in question had disappeared during the party.
> 
> I whined so much about it, she drew me another one. Which gave me a little inspiration for Chapter 4.

 

A few weeks before Gojyo's embarrassing run-in with the bamboo staff, Kanan had acquired new job. She'd managed to get a position at a flower shop in the ritzier part of town. Mrs. Lee, the shop owner, was also teaching her flower arrangement. After he moved in, he noticed how she would come home every night from the shop with a bounce in her step and chatter away about orchids and irises.

Gojyo was happy for her, but also a little leery. If he'd learned anything in his short number of years, it was that money and education didn't save people from petty prejudices. He'd also noticed that youkai were not often guests invited to dinner parties at wealthy people's homes.

He didn't say anything to her when she took the part-time job because he knew how much she wanted to work with flowers. Gojyo also knew how stubborn she was, and she’d never see how differently people treated him until she experienced it for herself. Every day after she went to work, he wondered what would happen when the flower shop’s owner and her snooty customers figured out Kanan was sleeping with a taboo half-breed.

More importantly, how would Kanan react when confronted with that ugly side of human nature? Being dumped because he was a half-breed was nothing new to Gojyo; he’d lost several acquaintances when they found out what he was. For some people, peer-pressure and mob-mentality were too much to overcome. Gojyo didn't blame his fair-weather friends. How could he after the prejudice-driven destruction he'd witnessed?

But if he was honest with himself, the fear of losing Kanan because of what he was terrified him. He'd dealt with being a half-breed all his life, but until now, he'd never really wished he were something else. What could he offer Kanan to overcome the negatives she faced by staying with him? What would he do if she asked him to set her free? Yeah, he could do it, and probably someday he would have to, but right now, he didn’t want to.

As it turned out, Gojyo's wait to find out Kanan's reaction was surprisingly short.

Four days after his bonk on the head, he felt well enough to start doing a few things around the house. Deciding that he wanted to cook dinner, he left and went out shopping. When he came home, he found her folding up her florist apron.

"Hey." He set the groceries down on the counter. "You're home early."

She turned to him, and the look on her face told him everything. Without a word, she placed her arms around his neck and hugged him. "Looks like I'll be working more hours at the restaurant again."

Gojyo tightened his arms around her and inhaled the lingering scent of flower blossoms and broken stems. He knew what had happened, but he asked anyway. "What's going on?"

She exhaled, and some of the tension in her body eased. "I should have listened to you. You're so much more aware of what makes people tick than I am. You must have thought I was quite naïve."

 _More aware?_ She didn't know what she was saying, but he hated the familiar feeling of helplessness that washed over him. This time, it was worse than usual because his taboo birth had affected someone important to him. Kanan had lost a job she loved because of him. The weight of her disappointment was a little more than he expected. He rubbed her back. "Was it bad?"

Kanan barked out a sharp, humorless laugh, and her warm breath tickled his neck. "Bad enough. First Mrs. Lee started talking to Mrs. Tien about the 'wild and unruly youkai,' and the next thing I knew, two other women were relating these crazy, idiotic, absurd _stories_ , and then I just … snapped. "

 _Snapped_. His fingers tangled in the end of her long braid, but he didn’t say anything. Kanan's temper could be wicked, and he wondered if she'd wrecked the place in a rage. No, she wouldn't have done that, not with those kinds of people; she wasn't a fool. With powerful people, Kanan would express her anger in a much more … _careful_ fashion, and they'd probably never see it coming. She could be scary sneaky when she wanted.

She sighed in irritation. "I know you tried to warn me, but I can't believe how stupid those people are."

"Eh, I wouldn’t be too hard on them. They’ve probably never even spoken to a youkai before."

"Tch." She pressed closer to him. "You aren't actually defending them, are you?"

Gojyo nuzzled her hair. "Nah. But most people don't like changing what they're comfortable with. All their lives they've heard that youkai are dangerous and can't be trusted. Stuff like that's hard to change once it's been ingrained."

"Yes, I guess that would require they think for themselves."

"That can be a lot of work, you know." Gojyo smiled and kissed the top of her head. "It's easier to believe all the stories."

"The stories! Some of those made my head hurt." She thumped him on his back. "And you've been holding out on me! According to Mrs. Chou, half-breed males are supposed to have two penises."

"Yeah," he chuckled, "that's one of my favorites. Did they tell you the one about youkai swallowing cats whole, fur and all? I hear that one a lot, too."

"No." She started to giggle. "But they are certain youkai never sleep."

He squeezed her, feeling relief spread throughout his body. "Obviously, they've never met Grif. Or Tero. Tero sleeps about twenty hours a day. Must be all those cats he eats."

"They really are unbelievably ridiculous."

"Who?" Gojyo teased. "Grif and Tero, or your uptight old ladies?"

"Don't be difficult, Sha Gojyo." She covered her mouth with her hand. "You know I'm talking about those ignorant hags at the shop."

Her laughter made him smile. "Well, what can you expect from them? They're _old wives_ , aren't they?"

"Oh, that's _so_ corny." She was giggling like mad, and Gojyo thought it was a lovely sound. "Did you know, the only reason half-breeds don't eat their children like youkai do, is because they can't even _have_ children?"

Gojyo's didn't say anything, and his smile disappeared. That last "story" was true. Well, not the eating part, but the other part. He'd never have children because half-breeds couldn't. It had something to do with an incorrect number of chromosomes. Some creepy scientist guy had explained it to him once after a night of torrid sex, but Gojyo hadn't really understood it at the time. He still didn't really get the technical part, but he did understand what _sterile_ meant. Up until now, he hadn't really given it much thought. He was always careful to use condoms in his more questionable business deals, but shooting blanks was kind of an added bonus. Even so, it did add to his differences, along with his eyes and hair.

"Gojyo?" She pulled her head back and stared at him, but kept her arms around his neck. "Are you all right? Did I hurt your feelings?"

He rolled his eyes. "Hardly." Gojyo didn't bother telling her about the sterile thing; that would only make her feel bad.

She stared at him for several seconds. "I see what you're doing. Please don't blame yourself over this. It's my fault, not yours, you know. I tried to talk to them, Mrs. Lee and her customers about it … but it just disintegrated into a very surreal argument. They are …" she seemed to be searching for a word, "impossible."

"Yeah, I know how far those kinds of conversations go." He slipped his fingers into her hair, behind her ear, and brushed her cheek with the pad of his thumb. Her skin was so soft.

She shook her head. "How are you not furious about it all the time? Don't you ever just want to--oh, I don't know--kick someone's ass?"

"You still don't understand." He rubbed her shoulders. "That would only prove those stories and possibly incite a mob. Sometimes, in order to live a little longer, you just have to take some crap."

"You're right, I don't understand. And I never will." She leaned against him again. "How do you stand it?"

"I've never known anything else; I guess I'm used to it." Gojyo hugged her tight and nuzzled her hair. "I'm just sorry you had to lose a job you loved."

"Don't worry about me." She chuckled. "Oh, Gojyo, you would've been very proud of me. I was calm and cool when I quit."

"Yeah?" He smiled, wondering how calm and cool she'd been. Kanan might not have remained polite, but her body language usually gave her true feelings away.

"Yeah. Because I know something they don't."

"What's that?"

She stepped back, placed her hands on her hips, and then tossed her head. "Someday _I'll take that bitch down_!"

Gojyo blinked. His first instinct was to laugh, and he would have--if he hadn't known that she was frighteningly serious.

 

***

His bruises were almost gone, and Kanan had removed the stitches from his head. Today he'd tried to cook, like he had every other day during his two-week convalescence. The rice was very crunchy, but at least it wasn't burned. The fish, on the other hand, was surprisingly good. He'd found that domestic life appealed to him in a way he'd never thought it would. He really enjoyed cooking when he could take his time with it.

Doing the laundry, on the other hand, was something he avoided.

He was washing their dinner dishes when, out of the corner of one eye, he watched Kanan poke her foot at the growing pile of dirty clothes.

She wrinkled her nose. "I think I know where some of that smell in Banri's house came from now."

Gojyo chuckled.

"Well, help me put these in this bag, and I'll take them downstairs to Mrs. Chen."

"Mrs. Chen? Why her?"

"She’ll wash them."

"What?" Gojyo dried off his hands. Kanan held open a cloth bag as Gojyo placed their clothing inside. "What do you mean?"

"That’s how she subsidizes her income. She does laundry."

"Oh." Gojyo shook his head. "I don’t think you could pay me enough to wash other people’s clothes."

She gave him a smile. "Clearly."

"Hey, don't give me that. You don’t like doing laundry either." He picked up another pile, and there was a rattle as something fell onto the floor.

"What's that?" Kanan asked as she leaned over and poked through the clothing. She sat back, holding up a beaded necklace with a cross on it. "Oh no … "

Images flashed though Gojyo's memory--blood, punks, and a priest. _I'm afraid that for some of us, no place is safe._

She frowned, and her voice dropped low. "Where did you get this?"

He furrowed his brow. "When I got jumped in the alley. I don't really remember what happened, but there was a guy, and I think he gave it to me."

"A priest?"

"Yeah, but he wasn't--"

She stared at him. "And you took it?"

Gojyo shrugged. "I guess, I don't really ..."

Fury swept over her features and as she hissed, "How could you?"

Blinking in surprise, Gojyo asked, "What are you talking about?"

Kanan leapt to her feet and thrust the necklace at him. It swung menacingly from her hand. "Do you know what this represents?"

Shaking his head in confusion, he tried to answer. "No, of course not. You know I'm not--"

She hurled the necklace into a corner.

"Kanan, the guy _helped_ me." Gojyo winced a bit at his words. He didn't like having to admit needing help but he had to tell her. She was acting a little crazy.

Her laugh was sharp and forced. "He helped you? Sure he did. That's how it always begins. With pretty words they trick you into thinking they're your friend, and then they hurt you!"

"But, I don't think this one-- "

She stepped closer, a wild look in her eyes. "Where is he? Where did you see him? Maybe he's still in town." She turned toward the door. "Maybe I can find him."

Gojyo's scalp prickled. "To do what?"

Kanan whirled on him. "To do what I need to do!"

Her attitude was starting to freak him out. She seemed so angry, and he searched for ways to make everything right with her. "I know you have a thing against priests, but this guy, he wasn't like--"

"A _thing_?" She took another step closer until they were toe to toe. Kanan's anger was almost alive; it rolled off her in dark, crackling waves. "Do not belittle what I have been through! Besides, what would you know about it?"

He'd said the wrong thing, and now she was even angrier. Gojyo could feel his rising panic, a feeling he hadn't experienced in so long. "I know a bit, all right? Now, can you please calm down for a minute?"

Kanan crossed her arms, rage filling her normally gentle eyes. She wasn't shouting and did appear more in control, but Gojyo thought that maybe she was actually angrier than ever. Maybe telling her to calm down had only made things worse. His mind wouldn't work right; he didn't know how to fix it, and he didn't know to make her not be mad.

Her voice was flat and cold. "You don't know, Gojyo. They are insidiously callous."

Gojyo hadn't heard the words "insidiously callous" before, but he could guess what they meant. He tried to get his own panic under control. "I know you were hurt and treated badly, but I think you're letting today, you know, right _now_ get away from you because all you can think about is revenge." Gojyo picked his words carefully, but her body language was already shouting at him. He swallowed. "I've seen it happen to others. Don't let your hate eat at you--it'll twist you inside."

"Gojyo … how could you say something like that to me?" Her eyes narrowed. "I trusted you!"

Her contempt coiled around him, and he felt like it was strangling him. "Look, I'm not trying to make you mad--you know I would never do that--I'm just sayin--"

Before he understood what was happening, she'd connected with an open-handed slap that made his head ring. He stepped back. On a pain scale, the blow didn't really amount to much; he'd suffered through much worse in his life by wrestling with his friends. But in this case, there was something about the lingering sting on his scars that did _something_ to him, and he couldn't have explained it if he'd wanted to. He took another step back and out of Kanan's reach.

She stared at her hand and then at his cheek, and her fury melted away. Her eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Gojyo," she whispered, turning her wide, brimming eyes up at him. She took a step forward and reached for his face. "I didn't mean--"

Pure panic washed over him and caused all rational sense to disappear. He turned and bolted for the door, and in his frenzy to escape, he tore off fingernails as he grappled with the handle. Blinded by an old and unnamed terror and oblivious to his blood and pain, he heard wood splinter as he wrenched open the door. The frosty air caressed and cooled his cheek, and that was all the encouragement he needed.

"Gojyo, wait--"

At the nearing sound of her voice, he fled toward the dark comfort of night.

Hours later, he was no longer running, but he continued to walk with no particular destination in mind. He fought hard to keep his mind empty and free from the sorrow that had surfaced and tried to swallow him whole. An early snow started to fall, and he couldn't stop his shivering. He didn't have a coat, but then, he'd managed through times much colder than it was right now.

Gojyo turned toward Banri's house for the simple reason that he had no other place to go. Tentatively he touched the scars on his cheek and followed the lines of slightly irregular skin, finally facing what the night had brought. He'd made Kanan so mad that she had struck him.

Just like his mother.

The truth was, he could survive any physical blow she might deliver, but there was more to it than that. The feeling was like a recurring bad dream. He would have done anything to make his mother happy, even endure her severe abuse. Even so, his quiet acceptance of all her pain hadn't been enough, and in the end, she'd tried to kill him.

Gojyo wasn't certain he ever wanted to see Kanan again, and he supposed that was just as well. Because he'd made her mad, she'd be done with him now.

Well, Banri had warned him. But the thought of not seeing her again caused his heart to hurt.

"Gojyo?"

She was sitting in front of Banri's door. Even fifteen feet away, he could see her shivering. He stopped, not knowing what to do. Part of him wanted to run away again, and part of him wanted to run to her.

"I've been out looking for you. Grif took me to some of your usual places." Her hands curled around her knees and clenched, causing her knuckles to turn white. "I met some of your acquaintances tonight."

"Oh." Grif. Someday Gojyo was going to kill that guy.

"From what I've heard, you've led a very difficult and colorful life."

Gojyo didn't move. "I guess you could say that."

"One of them, Mai--I think that was her name--told me about finding you asleep under her porch." She smiled. "Mai said she thought you were a big cat at first."

He took a tentative step forward. "Sometimes any place out of the rain is a good place."

"She said you took care of her abusive boyfriend for her, made him stop bothering her." She hugged her knees tighter. "She said you took a couple of beatings, but in the end you got rid of him."

"I did. But I didn't do it for free." Gojyo remembered a winter when he'd been freezing and starving. Mai had given him a chance to survive, so what were a few bruises in comparison?

"Yes, I believe she said your price was some food, a bed, and a shower." Kanan lifted her chin. "And she gave you other, more _personal_ payments."

Gojyo didn't know why, but he felt uncomfortable. "That was a long time ago."

"You just turned _sixteen_ a few weeks ago, Gojyo. How long ago could it be?"

He didn't say anything. He didn't think she expected an answer.

"Then there was Ashi." Kanan placed her chin on her knees. "She told me that you managed to retrieve her stolen belongings? She said it was a worthless family heirloom that meant nothing to anyone but her."

"Something like that." Gojyo looked away. "It sounds a lot more interesting than it was. I charged her a fee, too."

"Yes, she told me. You received a wooden pallet to sleep on for a few nights."

"Yeah. I asked for some rice, too." He nodded. "Don't forget the rice."

"Right." Kanan tipped her head at him. "And rice. She told me she also slept with you."

"I didn't ask her to."

Kanan re-arranged her dress. "Kaou also told me a story about you. He said when the river flooded, you helped him save his house."

"For a price."

"Yes, some rice and a place to sleep in his barn." She raised an eyebrow. "He didn't say so, but I assume he also slept with you."

"That wasn't part of my price." Gojyo shrugged. "He offered."

"Jack of all trades, eh?"

"I guess. I never really thought about it too much." He hadn't. Sleeping with men and women was pretty much the same. The only thing different was Kanan.

Kanan sat up again. "I must have heard a dozen similar stories all about the wonders of Sha Gojyo, but not one person could tell me anything personal about you. None of them know where you came from or how you got here or how you've survived. They know your name and what you can do for them, but that's it. Even Grif doesn't know anything about you."

There was quite a bit of snow gathering in her hair. "Kanan, why aren't you inside where it's warm?"

She rocked back and forth, watching him. "I'm okay."

"You must be freezing in that thin dress. Come on, I'll take you home."

She nodded. "Ah, I see it now." She stood up. "I wasn't aware of it before, but I can see how you do it now."

She'd lost him again, and he exhaled wearily. "Do what?"

"How you steer the conversation away from yourself. You care more about everyone and anyone else than you do yourself. You use your amazing charm to deflect questions about yourself, and we aren't even aware that you're doing it." Her voice cracked. "How does that self-imposed isolation not kill you?"

 _Isolation_? He ran a hand through his hair. "Kanan, I'm just too tired to follow what you're saying. Come on, I'll walk you home, okay?"

She brushed snow from her dress and out of her braid. She was so graceful and so beautiful. He felt an overwhelming need to hold her, but he didn't think that was an option. Everything was still too raw. Instead, he kept his hands in his pockets and waited for her to walk to him.

The snow was deep enough now that the sound of their footsteps seemed to be sucked away, and they walked in silence for several minutes until Kanan finally spoke. "I'm sorry, Gojyo, I did something that hurt you. I never should have hit you, and I'm truly sorry about that. But what I did was more than that, wasn't it? When you left the way you did, looking the way you did … I managed to raise some terrifying memories for you, I think. I'm so sorry."

"You're the one that's mad at me, remember?" He glanced over at her. " _I'm_ sorry that I made _you_ mad."

She slipped her arm though his. "All right, I get it. You don't want to talk about it."

"There's really nothing to talk about." Her arm was so warm against his. They didn't speak the rest of the way; instead, he listened to the heavy quiet of the falling snow. Gojyo's mind was numb and blank. He assumed Kanan's was, too.

When they reached the building, he stopped and looked around at the falling snow. "Here's your apartment."

"Gojyo, don't be silly. It's _our_ apartment." When she looked at him, she frowned. "Oh. You weren't planning on coming back, were you?"

"Maybe we shouldn't do this anymore." He didn't mean the words, and he didn't know why he said them. Maybe because he knew she would leave him eventually or maybe because what had just happened between them had scared him. He hadn't liked feeling hurt and lost. If that was what came with love, he didn't think he wanted it. "I just don't think this is a good idea."

"No." She grabbed his shirt and stared up at him, eyelashes sparkling as tears overflowed and trickled down her cheeks. "Don't go. I'm sorry. Don't push me away, I'll be better, I promise."

She sounded so lost, like a little girl. "What are you talking about? You don't need to be better-- "

"Don't treat me like the rest of those girls! I'm not like them, Gojyo, please." She leaned against him, clinging to him, as her crying turned into sobs. "Please."

Kanan was right; she wasn't like anyone he'd ever met before, and with each tear, he felt more desperate. He'd seen her tears before and even her grief, but she was crying so hard now that she couldn't even speak. Her sobs weren't loud, but they were enough to draw attention from their busybody landlady. He saw her door crack open, and then she peeked out at them.

"Kanan," he said soothingly, "let's go inside."

She didn't respond, only tossed her head and hung onto him with her shaking body. "Please."

He tried to get her to walk inside, but she wobbled and was too unsteady on her feet. If he'd been a little stronger, he would've carried her, but he had to settle for half-dragging her up the stairs.

She clung to him, burying her head in his neck while she sobbed, all the while repeating the word please.

Getting them up the stairs and into her apartment was quite a feat. Once there, he placed her on the bed, but she still wouldn't let go of him. He gave in to her wishes and simply held her. Gojyo stroked Kanan's hair and face, soothing them both. He wasn't sure how much time had passed before she finally loosened her grip on him.

She was on her side facing him, tears still falling from her eyes, but she was no longer sobbing. "Sorry, I'm still crying. I'll be better in the morning." She touched his face, following the lines of his scars with her fingertips, just as he'd done hours before. "If you want to go then, I'll understand, and I won't stop you, but please stay with me tonight."

Swallowing hard and curling his fingers around her heavy braid, he stared at her. "My mother made those scars."

"Oh, Gojyo."

Emotion crowded him, making it difficult for him to breathe. "Well, she was sort of my mother. She was … I made her unhappy most of the time. I also had a brother."

Her eyes were soft, wide, and full of understanding, but they held no pity, and because of that, he continued, "There's not much else to add, but if it's that important to you, I'll tell you anything you want to know."

She did want to know. She wanted to know everything, and over the next few hours, he answered her questions and told her things he'd never told anyone. He'd tried to forget most of it, but in telling her, he felt a release, a peace he'd never known.

Later, he was startled awake when she tugged at his shirt, rousing him enough to assist her in getting it off. When she straddled him, he automatically raised his hands in order to embrace her. She caught and pinned them to either side of his head. He opened his eyes. The room was unlit, but the snow's reflection spilled through the window, bathing her in a soft, bluish light.

"No, Gojyo," she said, her eyes dark. "Let me. Just relax, okay?"

He stared at her. She was so serious.

"Please," she swallowed, "let me do this."

"All right. If you want, but it's not--"

"Hush." She sat back and then let her fingertips slide against his warm skin, touching his brow and then his eyelids. When he closed his eyes again, she said, "Good."

Gojyo's breath caught with her gentle caresses and sweet kisses--he wasn't sure how he felt about this. Gojyo was always the one to give out pleasure; receiving it made him feel a little strange. He'd never really considered himself a control freak, but in light of how unnerved he was, maybe he had to reconsider.

Kanan leaned close and licked at his neck, following the line of his collarbone with her tongue and lips. Her warm hands slipped along his sides and down to his pants. She moved off him as she tugged at his buttons and zipper, stripping him completely naked in a matter of moments.

He kept his eyes closed, but he smiled. "You're learning bad things from me."

She bit at his hipbone, hard enough to cause him to cry out. "I told you to hush."

This time he kept his mouth closed along with his eyes. He concentrated, listening to the whisper of cotton fabric sliding against skin as Kanan removed her clothes, but he resisted an urge to watch. He could hear the quiet pad of bare feet on the floor just before Kanan's weight settled on the bed.

His dick was already hard, but he had no idea what she had in mind. When she nudged his legs apart and settled between them, he was surprised. And when her tongue skimmed over the length of his cock, he moaned at the wonderful sensation.

She was tentative at first, testing his reactions and her limits before she started to gain confidence. She curled her tongue around him, lapping away beads of precome while her teeth gently raked against him, growing more insistent. Gojyo strained to keep his hands at his sides.

Kanan's mouth closed over him, sucking him in. He'd had a few blowjobs in his lifetime, some good and some bad, but there was something specifically erotic about Kanan's clumsy and sweet attempt. She seemed to know more than she should, and before Gojyo realized what was happening, his fingers were in her hair. She picked up on his subtle instructions, giving him exactly what he wanted. He finally surrendered to her with a sigh of pleasure and rocked his hips in time with her movements.

Maybe this receiving pleasure thing wasn't so bad after all.

The tip of his cock brushed the back of her throat, and he fought his instincts to press her head down further. Instead, he decided he should stop her before he came in her mouth. Gojyo wasn't sure how she would react to that. He stilled her head.

"Kanan, I'm almost …"

She pulled away. Cool air coiled around his wet dick, and he groaned with the loss of contact. He hadn't even opened his eyes before he heard the familiar sound of a condom wrapper opening and she was rolling the snug latex over his cock. Then she moved on top of him, rubbing against him with a groan of her own before she positioned them both.

There was no hesitation as Kanan slid his hard, heavy dick inside her wet warmth. He was so close to coming that behind his closed eyelids there were flashes of color; red and white tracers wheeled through his non-vision. His heartbeat was loud in his ears when she placed her hands on his chest, digging her nails into unprotected flesh. Then she rode him, lifting and twisting her hips, grinding into him. Her movements were frantic and rough.

Gojyo understood her desperation because he was feeling it, too. He curled his fingers around her hips, helping her fuck him, bruising her in the process and knowing she welcomed it, just as he welcomed the scratches she was leaving on his chest and arms. They both craved and needed this dark reassurance.

Kanan's fingernails dug in deeper, drawing blood as she tightened around him. He opened his eyes to see her push back, her ass pressing against his balls, forcing his cock impossibly deep inside her. She arched her back and cried out as orgasmic waves made her shudder.

Gojyo's balls tightened as his dick expanded, and he thrust up and into her, clutching at her sides and meshing their bodies together. The flashes of color returned, pulsating in time with his cock as he came. His muscles and tendons flexed as he lifted his hips one final time.

There were several moments of only heavy breathing and heartbeats as he slowly opened his eyes. Lazily, he ran his hands up her arms while he gazed up at her. She sat on top of him, eyes closed, loose strands of her chestnut brown hair sticking to both of them. Her breathing was still a bit ragged as he watched the steady rise and fall of her breasts. When her eyes opened, they were dark, dilated, and still filled with passion; she wasn't done.

And he was still hard.

She leaned over to lick at the blood on his chest. He hissed at the contact, then pulled her close. Their kiss was sweet and tender, but there was a lingering layer of sorrow rising to the surface, clinging to them. Gojyo wanted to rid himself of those thoughts—and he was certain Kanan did, too. When she began to move again, his heartache lessened.

He had no idea how many hours they made love, but now that they were sated, they remained a tangle of arms and legs. Gojyo could see light outside the window. He was exhausted, but he still couldn't sleep.

"Hey." He smoothed back her mussed-up hair. "When did you … I mean, how did you …" He closed his mouth, thinking that his question might possibly make Kanan angry again. "Never mind."

She hummed contentedly. "Are you trying to ask me how I learned about oral sex?"

"Well, yeah. I mean you didn't … Before, you didn't know--"

This time she chuckled. "I read a lot."

"Huh." Gojyo was too tired to laugh. "I didn't know you could learn that kind of stuff from a book."

"You can learn just about anything from books." Kanan yawned. "And just to let you know, there's all kinds of other stuff I read about and want to try."

In spite of his exhaustion, he couldn't help but ask, "Like what?"

"Oh, anal sex and maybe some bondage." She yawned again.

Gojyo gave himself a mental shake. _Did she really--?_ "Oh." He had no idea what else to say but considering the workout he'd just put it through, his dick was surprisingly interested.

"Did I shock you?"

"A little. I mean, not me, but that you'd want to--"

"Gojyo?"

"Hmm?"

"Go to sleep."

"Yes, ma'am." Gojyo closed his eyes, convinced he'd never sleep. But within minutes, he was sound asleep and didn't wake again until the following day.

After their epic fight and making up, their life returned to an easy pattern. Kanan seemed to be much calmer and happier now. She focused on her work at the restaurant and educating herself about flowers. She never talked about her desire for revenge against the people who hurt her anymore. Gojyo thought maybe she was done with that part of her life, that she might be ready to let go of her anger.

But two weeks later, Mrs. Lee's flower shop mysteriously burned to the ground.

***


	6. Part 5

Gojyo was sixteen, and for the first time in years–no, make that the first time in his _life_ \--he was relatively certain someone actually cared about him. Since he'd moved in with Kanan, they’d grown closer. His days seemed easier, brighter--more positive. Each morning he woke up happy and looked forward to loving Kanan. Every day was new, and in spite of learning a bit about the trials of relationships and for all of Gojyo's experience with difficult times, Kanan still did things that left him completely surprised.

"Gojyo, I need to go visit the orphanage." Kanan stood up from their table.

"What?" His head snapped up from his dinner of overcooked vegetables, undercooked rice, and … _something_ else. Kanan wasn't much of a cook, and it had been her night. He would happily cook every night, but she wouldn't hear it.

"I won't be gone too long."

He tried to catch her eye, but her gaze slipped away. "Why would you want to go back there?"

She picked up his half-eaten dinner and quickly turned toward the sink. "I was very close to several of the girls and a few of the nuns there. I've avoided going for obvious reasons, but now, one of my favorite nuns has become ill."

"Oh." He watched her. She was keeping her back to him. There was something just a little strange in her body language, and her voice was a little tense. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"No." She faced him, leaning against the counter, but still wouldn't make eye contact. "I don't think that will be necessary."

Gojyo knew she wasn't telling him something. For a brief moment, he wondered if it was because he was … different. "Oh," he said.

"I can't take you with me, Gojyo." Her eyes were unreadable from across the room. "I'm sixteen, but by their standards, I'm still a child. The nuns wouldn't understand if they knew I was sleeping with someone I'm not married to."

Gojyo blinked at her. "Are you serious?"

She nodded. "I am. I know it sounds silly, but they are quite … adamant about that sort of thing. Also, men aren't allowed there." She ground her teeth. "Except for the priests, of course."

He opened his mouth, ready to ask if she wanted to get married, but he was worried she would laugh at him. Besides, nobody would marry two sixteen-year-old kids. He sighed at his helplessness. "How soon are you leaving?"

"I need to arrange my time off with the restaurant." She wiped her hands on a towel. "I hope in a few days."

Kanan was still on edge, and Gojyo was sure there was more, but he didn't press the issue. Chances were good that her jumpiness had something to do with the unpleasant memories her journey back to the orphanage would bring. Yeah, that was it. He chewed on his bottom lip. That must be it.

"So … how long will you be gone?" He gauged her reaction, hoping his question didn't sound like an accusation.

"I think a couple of weeks will be more than enough."

"Weeks?" He stared at her.

"What?" She tucked a loose strand of hair behind one ear. "You can't live without me for a couple of weeks?"

"Nah." He gathered the last of the dinner dishes, stood up, and put them in the sink. Then he looked over at her smiling face. "I know I can survive for a couple of weeks without you. I just don't want to."

"Hmm." She leaned into him and relaxed a little. "You always know exactly what to say."

Gojyo chuckled and put his arms around her. "Well, yeah, you've taught me, after all."

"That's true." She squeezed him in return.

"You'll really come back?" Gojyo almost winced at how lame he sounded.

She pulled away and he held onto her braid, enjoying the silky feel of her hair as it slipped through his fingers. "Gojyo … why wouldn't I come back?"

Because of what I am, he almost said. Gojyo thought about Mrs. Lee and her friends. He thought about his slim options for a career and wondered what she was hiding from him. He wanted to ask her questions, wanted her to soothe his fears, but he didn't say anything. Instead he just tugged the band off her braid and started to loosen her hair.

"Well, I am coming back." She flicked him on his forehead.

"Oww." He rubbed at the spot between his eyebrows. "What was that for?"

"Because you're being silly."

"Maybe," he said while he finished combing out the mass of her hair with his fingers, watching it tumbling over her small shoulders and hanging in thick, chestnut waves to her waist. She really was beautiful.

"Don't worry, Gojyo." Kanan placed her hand on his cheek and then hugged him. "I really will be back."

He nuzzled at her neck, feeling a desperate but unnamed emotion. "Okay."

"Thank you for not pushing harder to go along. They really wouldn't understand."

"Sure," he said with a shrug. And he believed her.

 

***

While Kanan was on her visit, Gojyo took another mule job. This time he was running opium between cities. He knew it was opium because the idiotic contact had told him. Gojyo didn't like knowing what he was running; that made him more vulnerable if caught.

Even though wondered about what Kanan might be doing, Gojyo managed to stay focused on what he was doing. For six days Gojyo reverted to his old ways, slipping silently through the city, taking back alleys and rooftops. He'd stuffed his hair under a hat and kept his eyes down. The trick was to look like a regular street kid and not a half-breed drug runner, and it was easier than it seemed. He'd understood long ago that regular people tended to not see the poor and needy. Grif was his back-up, and Gojyo had to hand it to the big fella, he could be quiet when he set his mind to it. Not to mention that the giant oaf was tough and good in a scrape.

The job went off without a single snag, and Gojyo raked in a fortune for himself and the gang. From his share, there would also be enough to cover the rent for Kanan's apartment for several months. When she returned in a couple of days, he hoped to take her out for a nice dinner.

He was daydreaming about eggrolls and rice as they neared Banri's place. Gojyo was certain there would be a giant party later that night, and he was actually looking forward to it. He hadn’t been spending much time with his buddies, and he missed the card games and the dumb-ass pranks they played on one another.

Once inside, Gojyo couldn't help but notice how weirdly quiet the house was. While Gojyo and Banri settled their take, Grif disappeared to take a shower. Tero was asleep on the floor, and from the look of his dark, lopsided hair--spiky on one side and crushed on the other--he'd been there for a while. Gojyo had an ongoing fascination with Tero's ability to fall asleep anywhere and under any conditions. The guy was amazing.

Gojyo stood up. "Well, I'm going home to take my own shower. I'll be back in a bit." He grabbed his jacket and walked toward the door.

"Hey," Banri called after him, "your girl's outta town, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I'm jus' askin'."

Gojyo reached for the doorknob.

"Ya might want ta keep a low profile for a bit."

Banri's words held more than the usual warning. Gojyo stopped, then turned to face his friend. "Why?"

"Someone got murdered, and ya know, the law always tries to look like they're doin' something when someone respectable gets axed." Banri burped before he took a deep drink from his beer bottle. "They've already been by here nosin' around and askin' their usual dumbass questions."

A thread of unease coiled around Gojyo's gut. The law only came to see them when there was a robbery or an assault. Banri and his band were punks, thieves, and occasional extortionists, sure, but murder wasn't their style. "They think we had something to do with it?"

"Nah, I don't think so, but ya know, usual suspects an' all that." Banri studied Gojyo intently. His blue-eyed stare could rattle some folks, but it didn't really bother Gojyo. Most of the time. Today, Banri definitely had something specific on his mind. "The recently deceased really wasn't someone we'd go after. We wouldn't bother with a priest after all, would we?"

"A priest?" Gojyo felt like all his blood had drained out of him. "No, we wouldn't bother with one of them."

"Right." Banri set his beer down and picked at the label. "I told 'em we didn't know anything. 'Sides, according to the lawman, what little money the guy had was still on him."

"A priest, huh?" Gojyo knew he shouldn't ask, but he did anyway. "Was he Buddhist?"

"Nah, one of those other ones." Banri blinked slowly at Gojyo and pulled a cigarette out of a pack. "Ya know, the ones that run the _orphanages_."

"Really?" Gojyo's mouth was dry.

"Ya just missed the lawman when ya got back. I guess that was lucky, huh?"

"Yeah." Gojyo exhaled. "So that's why the house was so quiet when we got here."

"Yep. They found the stiff a little while ago, and they think he hadn't been dead very long, maybe las' night. I guess it was pretty bloody, the dude had a bunch of stab wounds."

"Stab wounds?" There was a tense silence in the room while Gojyo tried to digest what was happening.

"Yeah. In the back, in his kidney, and in his leg. A couple on his arms." Banri lit his cigarette and took a long drag. "Looks like whoever did it knew how ta whack someone. After I gave the dude a beer, lawman wouldn't shut up about it. He was all shook up an' acted like he'd never seen a dead body before. 'Course, we don't see too many murders of _respectable_ folk 'round here."

Gojyo mind shot into high speed. A priest who oversaw the orphanages killed during Kanan's absence. The timing was a little too perfect. But it couldn't be her, could it? She was out of town, wasn't she? Plus, she didn't know how to stab people to death.

In his head he heard her say, _I read a lot_. Gojyo knew if she wanted to learn how to do something, she would. But books and real life … _Shit, shit, shit!_ He could feel the sweat gather between his shoulder blades.

" _You_ don't know anything about it, do ya, Gojyo?" Banri's eyes sparkled in the dim light of the little house.

Banri was definitely suspicious. Gojyo shook his head. "Nope, not me. I've been busy running, remember?"

"Right. Well, that's good then, 'cause killin' priests is kinda bad for business." Banri took another drag from his cigarette. He exhaled, and the smoke swirled around his head. "Even if they do deserve it. An' being what we are, you know we can't be too careful."

"Yeah." Gojyo headed toward the door, his footsteps a little quicker than usual.

"Hey," Banri said just as Gojyo got to the door, "be careful, will ya? There's a _killer_ out there, and they might not like, ya know, _loose_ ends."

Gojyo didn't answer. He stepped outside and headed for their apartment. His heart was pounding and his head was spinning. He knew Kanan was capable of killing someone because of her other story, but this was … Gojyo reined in his reeling thoughts.

The truth was, he'd killed people, too. Not a lot of them, but over the years he'd been in various situations where it was kill or be killed. He understood that his moral compass wasn't quite lined up with people who didn't live on the streets, but for a moment, he wondered what he might do if he ever met up with one of his rapists.

His footsteps slowed. If he met up with one of them by _chance_ , Gojyo really wasn't sure what he'd do or how he'd react. But if Kanan was responsible for the dead priest, there was no way that meeting was just by chance. She'd been waiting for the guy, stalking him even, and that was … kind of creepy. She'd told Gojyo she was looking for the priest; had he believed she'd forgotten and given up? Because things had been calm and good, had he thought that she wouldn't seek revenge? He wasn't certain how he felt about that.

Then again, while Gojyo couldn't understand her actions, he did know she was different from him. Perhaps he was judging her a bit too harshly. In the end, didn't everyone do what they had to in order to survive? There really wasn't a right and wrong as far as Gojyo was concerned. Maybe Kanan's actions would help other kids in the orphanage. Who was to say that one killing wasn't a good thing in the grand scheme of life?

Not him.

Gojyo's fingers were shaking when he let himself into their apartment. He found her sitting at the small table, staring at a wall. The room was dark, with the curtains closed and the shades drawn. None of the lights were turned on.

"Kanan?"

"Oh, hello, Gojyo." She turned her head to look at him, but he got the feeling she really wasn't seeing him. "Where have you been? I got back a little earlier than I expected."

He walked forward, a little freaked out by her odd, stilted speech, and then he saw the ice wrapped around her arm. "Hey, you aren't hurt, are you?"

"No, not really. I fell on my way back." Her hair was wild but clean, and it still looked a little damp. One of his t-shirts hung loosely on her, making her look small and vulnerable. Kanan smiled at him. Her eyes were cold and distant.

Placing a chair near her, he sat down, then reached out and gently removed the ice. There was a nasty bruise covering much of her left wrist, and the imprint of fingers was unmistakable. He stared at her. "Is it broken?"

"I don't think so." She flexed her wrist and winced.

"Let me see it." Running his fingers over her arm, he didn't feel anything too weird. There were bandages in the kitchenette--leftovers from one of his nighttime rumbles--and he stood up to retrieve them. While he was up, he opened the curtains and noticed a yellow dress, wet with dark brown stains on it, draped over a counter near the sink. They'd need to get rid of that.

"Here." He held out his hands and then, in silence, wrapped her swollen arm. He'd been in enough altercations to know her injury wasn't from a fall, but he kept quiet. When--or if--she wanted to talk about it, she would.

Gojyo leaned close pushed an unruly strand of hair out of her eyes. "How about we go down to the restaurant and get some food? I think we need to get you outside for a while."

"No."

"We don't have to stay, we can bring it back. Come on, now. Get up."

She got off the chair and stumbled, her knees giving out. Gojyo caught her around her waist and held her steady. Her arms wrapped around him and she squeezed tightly. "You know what I did, don't you?"

"Yeah." He hugged her in return, rubbing one palm over her back soothingly. "I know."

"Do I disgust you now?"

He shook his head. "Hardly. But I was also worried and afraid you'd been hurt. You're not a very big girl, you know."

"Just a few bruises, but I killed him, Gojyo."

"Yeah." He swallowed.

"It wasn't like the last time." She released a shuddering breath. "This was harder."

Gojyo inhaled the scent of her hair--smelling shampoo mingling with the faint, lingering aroma of blood--and he was immediately horny as hell. He was certain there had to be something wrong with him. Focusing his thoughts, he asked, "Why was this time different?"

"He was conscious." She started to shake. "He screamed and begged for his life."

Gojyo tightened his hold on her. This was a gruesome conversation, but he pressed on. "Are you sorry that you did it?"

"Not at all. I remembered how when he would hurt me, I screamed, too."

He wanted to turn away. Her emotions were raging, thick and full of years of hurt. His desire disappeared, and he fought to keep his senses open. He needed to hear and see her pain, and maybe together they could get rid the ghosts twisting her soul.

" _All_ of us screamed. He raped several of the girls and even some of the nuns. We told the Bishop, and the Mother Superior punished us for it. No one cared about us. I don't think they even believed us, and it kept happening. It was still happening."

"How do you know?"

"One of my friends who's still at the orphanage wrote to me and told me the bastard was there and still ..." She curled her fingers around his arm. "And he told me."

Gojyo pulled back, far enough to see her face. "He _told_ you? You talked to him first?"

"Yes." She nodded. "I knew he would come this way once he was finished--inspecting--the orphanage. I know the trail and the surrounding area very well. I picked a good spot and just waited for him."

Gojyo remembered their trip to the forest. He hadn't even known the meadow they'd made love in was there. How many hours she'd spent on those trails, planning her ambush, waiting patiently for her revenge?

Her voice was flat. "After he passed me, I just stepped out and stabbed him. He heard me and whirled, and I grazed him. That's when he grabbed my arm, and that's when he recognized me. Then he pushed me away and I fell. He was holding his side, and there was a _lot_ of blood. He started to laugh."

She was surprisingly calm. Gojyo didn't say anything. He just waited.

"He told me he was still doing whatever he wanted with the girls and that no one could stop him. He laughed--he _bragged_ about it. Even though I was holding the knife and he was bleeding so much, he came after me. He grabbed at me, and then he tried …" She straightened her back and seemed a little taller. "He thought I was still afraid of him."

"Kanan?" Gojyo coaxed. He felt sick and angry. "What happened?"

Her eyes were dry and cold. "He didn't think I'd really stab him again. He was surprised when I did. He got up and tried to run away, and that's when I …" Kanan's fingers squeezed his arms, but that was her only sign of distress. "I stabbed him, and I'm glad he's dead. I'm glad."

Gojyo's anger overrode any doubt he'd harbored about Kanan's actions. The crazy priest had tried to hurt her again. If the slimy bastard had managed it, Gojyo wasn't certain she would've survived emotionally. Kanan seemed tough on the outside, but in reality, she was fragile and walked very close to the edge of self-destruction. "I'm glad he's dead, too, but I don't think facing him alone was a good idea."

She looked up at him. Fury flickered in her eyes.

He hurried his explanation. "You could've been hurt. You can't do something like that again, okay? Not alone."

"Gojyo, what are you--"

"If there is a next time, you need to take me with you."

Kanan's voice was barely a whisper. "You'd do that?"

He nodded. "For you, yeah. Anything."

She stared at him for a full thirty seconds before he felt her body relax against him. "Sha Gojyo, I'm in love with you; did you know that?"

Her words made his thoughts reel, and he felt very warm. He needed a moment before he could get his head to clear enough to realize she was chuckling. At him. Gojyo wasn't sure how he felt about that.

He scratched his head, wondering if he'd missed something. "What's so funny?"

"You are. I can't believe how lucky I am." She kissed him and then nipped at his bottom lip. "You always amaze me, somehow, you never fail to be kind."

He was the one amazed. The bite on his lower lip was full of sensual promises. Mentally, he shook his head; hadn't he just agreed to help her kill someone? And now she was seducing him? And he was responding? Gojyo wondered what the hell was wrong with them both.

His voice was hoarse when he said, "I think you're confused. I'm definitely not kind." _He_ was definitely confused, after all.

"Maybe. Do you mind if we eat later?" She rubbed her body against his, grinding lightly against his rapidly returning erection.

His throat was tight. "I don't mind."

"I need to feel you inside me." She placed her hands on his shoulders and then jumped up and wrapped her bare legs around him.

He gasped at her unexpected action and stumbled backwards into a wall. One hand automatically slid down and grabbed her ass, and his other supported her back, holding her tight against him. She squeezed with her thighs, and Gojyo groaned.

"You seem surprised, Gojyo."

"I am." He stared into her eyes. "I didn't think you'd want … I thought you might be more freaked out."

"I thought so, too, but you are the one who taught me the difference between pleasure and violence." She moved her hands behind his neck and this time, her smile was genuine. "Besides, I think I need a little life affirmation."

He chuckled as he carried her to the bed. "Is that what you're calling it now?"

"Hmm. Well, then what do _you_ call it, then? A good, hard fuck?"

"That works for me." He tumbled onto the bed with her, careful of her arm.

She giggled as she bounced on the mattress. "Then it works for me, too."

He covered her mouth with his and ran his hand up one of her legs. Once he touched the wetness between her thighs, he didn't need any convincing. Quickly, he shucked off his clothes and rolled on a condom.

"Yes," she sighed as he entered her, "make me feel again, Gojyo. Make me forget."

She felt hot, tight, and perfect. But he knew no matter how hard he tried, he could never make her forget.

 

***

A week later, while cleaning up their apartment, he was gathering up the trash when several crumpled-up pieces of paper rolled out of the bag and onto the floor. One was glossy and looked expensive, filled with splashes of color. Curious about what it was, Gojyo picked it up, then flattened it out on the table.

The paper was a brochure for a university called St. Michael's. The second paper was a completed entrance application, signed by three people and including an official-looking seal. Following that was another page with a different seal that contained Kanan's grades and test scores. Along with the wadded up papers were letters of recommendation from the Bishop, the Mother Superior, and several teachers. They all spoke of Kanan's great intelligence and how she could go on to become a renowned doctor or a scientist.

"Gojyo," Kanan said from behind him, "what are you doing?"

He looked at her and then held up the paper. "Why didn't you tell me about this?"

She glanced at what he held. "Oh, because it's not important. I'm not going; that's why I threw it away."

Gojyo thumbed through the pages. "Kanan … This school, it's a big deal, isn't it?"

Kanan shrugged. "Yes, I suppose it is. Sister Mary Frances--she's not the dancer, she's the one I really liked--wants me to go back to school. She got me this scholarship at St. Michael's. When I was still at the orphanage, she'd told me that it was a very good school. When I went back to the orphanage to ... visit, she told me she'd done all this."

He had a bad feeling about this. "Where's the school?"

"I don't know the town's name. It's supposed to be about fifty miles away."

"Oh." Fifty miles away? "Well, if it's such a good school, you should go." He didn't really want to say that. What he wanted to say--no, what he wanted to shout--was: _Stay with me!_

Her brow furrowed. "You want me to go?"

"Don't be stupid, of course I don't _want_ you to go; you're the best thing that's ever happened to me." It was the truth, but even if he wanted to, he _would not_ beg her to stay.

"Then, why?"

"If it's a good opportunity, you should go." He couldn't believe what was coming out of his mouth. They were the right words, of course, but they hurt to say. "I mean, you weren’t planning on staying here forever, anyway, right?"

"I don't know. I mean, I still want to find my brother, but …" She wrung her hands.

"But … what?" Inside his head, he was screaming, _Kanan, stay with me!_

Her face crumpled up. "… But, I don't want to leave you!"

Dark, cloudy images swirled in his head, barely formed childhood memories of being alone and then forced on someone who didn't want him. He tried to shake off the bad feeling. "No, Kanan. You can't stay because of me. After a while you'd hate me for holding you back, and every time you'd look at me, I'd make you mad. I couldn't deal with that."

"I wouldn't do that, Gojyo!"

"Not on purpose, maybe." Unconsciously, he touched the scars on his cheek. "I want you to stay, but I don't want to be responsible for holding you back. I won't, so don't stay because of me."

Tears started to fall from Kanan's eyes. "But ..."

Well, hell. "Kanan, don't cry, okay?" He ran a hand through his hair. "Look, how soon do you have to let them know?"

"Soon. Next week."

"Then I think you should give it a few days. I think we should give it a few days. This is too big to just toss in the garbage." What the fuck was he doing? Gojyo couldn't believe the stupid words coming out of his mouth. On the other hand, what he was saying was true. If she gave the school serious thought and still wanted to stay, he would feel better about it.

He set his jaw. "Just think about it, okay?"

She rubbed at her eyes and then smiled. "Okay. Maybe I'll write to Sister Bernadette and see what else she might have to say."

Well, _fuck_. Gojyo forced a smile, and then did the only thing he could do.

He hugged her.

The next few days were tense for Gojyo. He could see Kanan's mind change and her mood shift almost hourly. They only time he wasn't walking on pins and needles was when she was at work. She had written to the sister, and the wait for the return response was nerve-wracking for both of them.

He fought his own internal battle, changing his mind from moment to moment. Gojyo knew that if he applied pressure, Kanan would stay. He'd even started to do just that a few times before he'd changed the subject in midstream, knowing what he was doing was somehow underhanded. The truth was, if she stayed, her future would never be as bright. Kanan loved learning, and he couldn't keep that from her, no matter how much he wanted to.

After a couple of days of tension, Grif showed up with news from Banri. They had a job if Gojyo was interested. The thought of keeping himself busy was all he needed, and with just a few words, he was out the door and accepting the offer.

This time--during the two-day run--Tero and Gojyo had almost been run down by a stampeding herd of buffalo, nearly been shot when they wandered into a farmer's field, and finally fallen into a freezing, ridiculously fast-moving river. If Grif hadn't been there and pulled their sorry asses out, they both would have drowned. They had miraculously saved the packs, but Gojyo decided then and there, that he could go his entire life without ever being in a river again.

Even so, he was grateful he hadn't had time to think very much about Kanan.

When they finally managed to drag their muddy, raggedy butts home, all hell broke loose. The normally quiet Tero--whose major joy in life was sleep--hadn't taken the risks of being an urban runner well. Not even a minute after stepping into the little house, the small, dark-haired Tero had promptly laid Banri out with a sucker punch before running out the door.

He didn't come back again.

After the running job from hell, Gojyo was hardly surprised when he returned home and saw the sad and determined expression on Kanan's face. He greeted her with a kiss, found a change of clothes, and headed for the shower. He needed to be warm and give himself a couple of minutes to deal with what was happening. She was leaving him.

Well, at least she wasn't crying.

When he was ready to face her, he came out of the bathroom in a pair of jeans, a towel around his shoulders to catch the water from his wet hair. Kanan was in the kitchen. She handed him a hot cup of tea.

She leaned on the counter, holding her own tea. "I heard from Sister Mary Francis."

"... And?"

"I haven't made up my mind yet, but it is a once-in-a-lifetime chance." She fidgeted with her cup. "You must think I'm horrible, Gojyo. I'm so wishy-washy."

"Nah." Gojyo realized, even if she didn't, that she'd made up her mind before she'd even spoken to him. His heart contracted, and he felt a little sick. She would leave him, and nothing would ever be the same again.

She started to cry. "Also, she thinks my brother is at St. Michael's."

"Oh." Well, now he was definitely fucked. Her brother--someone she'd been searching for--there was no fighting that.

Kanan cried harder. "I'm sorry, Gojyo. I'm so sorry."

He sighed internally--that was that, wasn't it? Still, he didn't want to give up yet; he wanted to hold on for as long as possible. "Look, just because you're going away doesn't mean we won't ever see each other again."

Her tears still fell, but she gave him a half-hearted smile. "That's true. I checked the schedule, and I could probably come back every four months--more at holidays. Then I'd still spend summers here. I'll be back so much you won't know I'm gone."

"Right." The word was hard to say and harder to believe. But he wanted to believe.

"I told myself I wouldn't cry." She rubbed at her eyes. "I know crying makes you uncomfortable."

"What?" He stared at her. "No it doesn't!"

She grabbed his nose between her fingers and squeezed. "You think I haven't noticed? You're so transparent."

"Oww!" Gojyo swatted at her hand, at the vise-like grip she had on him.

She started to laugh. "I'll come back during my breaks, but you have to promise you'll keep studying."

Rubbing at his nose, he glared at her. "You know, you kind of have a twisted sense of humor."

Kanan crossed her arms and shrugged. "I blame it on orphanage life."

He glanced at her over his hand. "Will you really come back?"

Placing all of her weight on one leg, she threw her hip forward until she nudged against his arm. "Only to give you tests. If you fail, I won't come back anymore. That includes math."

"Hey, you know math isn't a problem, it’s that poetry shit I don't like."

"You'll also be required to send me updates on your progress."

"How will I do that?"

She poked him on his forehead. "Write to me, dumbass, and please try to make it legible."

"Dumbass?" Gojyo rolled his eyes. "It's probably a good thing you'll be away from me for a while; you're starting to talk like me."

Kanan's voice was filled with sarcasm, "Oh, my, it's so horrid, to be like Sha Gojyo!" She leaned over and licked at his ear. "I'll be back every three or four months. I'll write to you and let you know more specific information when I get there."

He wove his fingers through her loose hair, which had gotten draped over his shoulder. His voice was thick and the words painful, but he asked anyway. "How soon are you leaving?"

"I need to leave in three weeks to register and get my room and books."

"That soon?" Their time together seemed so fragile and brief. He slid his hand around her waist and pulled her close.

"The semester begins a week later, so it's kind of important I'm there when classes begin."

He stood up, sweeping his arms behind her knees and shoulders, and then lifted her in the air. She was lighter than she used to be. Or maybe he was stronger. "Well then, I guess we'd better make the best of the next few days."

She squealed and giggled, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Yeah, I was thinking along similar lines. Just remember, I'll need to be able to walk, okay?"

"Sorry," he grinned at her, "no promises."

***


	7. Part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was pretty much mapped out in my head when I started. There were some troublesome details I had to work out, but for the most part, I knew almost everything I had to write. I knew about the sweet conversation and following kiss along the river, I knew Gojyo couldn't read, I knew there would be the heavy petting and their dance in the meadow. I knew about the slap on the face, Kanan meeting Banri, the dead priests, and I knew about the … well, the rest of the story.
> 
> What I didn't know about was chapter 6.
> 
> This chapter was the last chapter I put together (not to be confused with the last I finished.) I needed a transition chapter between Kanan's departure in chapter 5 and the … *cough* … and what happens in chapter 7. I was really stumped. I knew about the end of the chapter, but was completely lost for a beginning. I kicked around a few ideas and then started bouncing ideas off Mosh and Whymz.
> 
> In spite of my incessant complaining, I enjoyed writing this story. But I loved writing this chapter, and I managed to knock out the majority of it in about two days. It gave me--and now I hope, you--a bit of a break.
> 
> (And, there's more Banri!)

Gojyo sat on a rock and watched the celebration preparations happening in the valley below. The little village with its large, surrounding meadow had expanded--nearly overnight--to three times its normal size. Triangular banners of every color rippled in the chilly spring breeze. Tents of all sizes and shapes dotted the open field of wild grass in anticipation of a huge gathering of people, and a growing pile of wood for the evening's bonfire sat a good distance back from the town and the tents.

Some of the tents contained stuff for sale – anything from live sheep to fortunetellers to illegal drugs and silk dresses. Other tents would hold alcohol and food, and still others would host mahjong and card tournaments. Then there were the nights. Nighttime at the Ox Festival would bring the inevitable parties with drugs, alcohol, and orgies.

"Tonight's gonna rock, dude." Banri handed Gojyo two filled glasses, then jumped onto the rock and sat down next to him Gojyo. He took one of the glasses back. "Aren't ya glad I dragged yer sorry ass here now?"

In spite of trying to feel otherwise, Gojyo was glad. He hated admitting Banri was right, but maybe their journey here was a good thing after all. So far, in the past two weeks, Gojyo'd gotten in three fights, had to flee the cops four times, and had been thrown out of not only a pool hall, but also a bar. Kanan had left over a month ago. Thirty-nine days, four hours and twenty-six minutes to be precise, but who was counting?

He'd been so bored.

Kanan's absence left a gaping hole in his life, and he was completely lost. There was no one to come home to and no one to impress. He didn't have to behave any more. He couldn't sleep, food made his stomach turn, and there was no sex. Try as he might, he couldn't remember how he'd passed the time before Kanan came along.

For the first couple of weeks, Gojyo had hung out at Banri's house and caught up with the gang. They'd played mahjong, run jobs, and partied a little. He wrote to Kanan every night but rarely sent her anything--his letters just seemed so dull.

Kanan's letters, on the other hand, gave him descriptions of her fellow students, her studies, and her busy days. She was doing just fine without him. For some reason, that thought, linked with news about her success with her killer grades, her new friends, and her life goals, just made him depressed. Gojyo felt as if she was leaving him behind.

And then, the _desperate_ boredom set in and Banri'd had enough.

"Dude, you're gettin' on my nerves." Banri'd glared at him, wiggled his ears, and stood up. "I think ya need a change of scenery. The Ox Celebration's inna couple of days; won't hurt us ta show up early. Plus, ya totally need ta get laid. Or somethin'."

"The Ox Celebration? Is it time for that already?" Gojyo was about to decline, but then he remembered that there was really no reason for him to. And the celebration was a blast.

"Yeah. Clean, country air, good food, loose girls, an' lots of pockets to pick." Banri lit a cigarette. "Oh, an' games. I know you like that."

Gojyo didn't want to be interested--after all, there was something noble about brooding for his girlfriend--but he couldn't help himself. "Games, huh? Mahjong?"

Banri nodded and slapped Gojyo on the back. "There'll be lots of marks looking for someone ta take their money. An' ya never know, ya might learn something."

"Maybe. I don’t think I'm good enough yet. Maybe at mahjong." Gojyo chewed on his lip. "But I suppose a change might be good for me."

Banri laughed. "Yeah, now that's what I'm talkin' about! It'll pull ya right out of yer funk, ya big pussy."

They'd left the following day, and it had taken them two days to get here. Once they'd arrived, Gojyo had secured a barn loft for them, thanks to a past acquaintance--a sweet woman by the name of Maho that Gojyo had stumbled on not long after she'd become a widow. Gojyo had chopped up several loads of wood for her one winter for a bowl of rice and a place to sleep for a few nights. Anything else that happened after that was entirely her idea. There was room for the four of them: Banri, Grif, Gojyo and the clever, charming, and oily Chiaki. Gojyo and Grif promised to chop more wood and to fix Maho's roof.

Maho told Gojyo he could sleep with her. He surprised both of them by telling her he'd think about it--and he was thinking about it. He'd rarely, if ever, would see her again. Maybe Banri was right; six weeks was a long time for him to go without sex. But it just didn't _feel_ right.

Chiaki had joined the gang not long ago and had been filling in for the vanished Tero. He was an amazing lock picker and an awesome pickpocket, and his skills had come in handy on more than one occasion. But he didn't fit in particularly well, and there was something a little _slimy_ about the guy.

Banri really didn't like Chiaki either, but he had his reasons for bringing him. Chiaki wasn't especially good-looking; he was short and a little on the paunchy side, but even so, women always surrounded him, and that was why Banri'd brought him along. There was always a possibility of spillover, and Banri could use all the help he could get--he was never very successful with the opposite sex. Gojyo didn't need Chiaki's help to draw partners, but he did enjoy watching the show. Banri's frustration was worth every moment of the smarmy little guy's attitude.

The Ox Celebration was one of those rural parties that lasted for days. Originally, it had been some sort of pagan holiday about spring and cows--at least, that was the rumor--but the meaning had turned into nothing more than an excuse for a big, drunken party. The peaceful town green that Gojyo now watched in the dimming light of the sunset would turn wild in an hour or so.

Gojyo was comfortable here, in his element. There were more youkai than humans, and the humans that did attend were youkai posers. Besides that, he'd already seen two other red-haired, red-eyed hanyou. Half-breeds were rare in any setting, but seeing three in one day was strange. That was the fun of the Ox Celebration; for a few days, everyone wanted to be youkai or even part youkai.

As always, he wondered if he might spot Jien in the crowd, though he wasn't certain if he would even recognize his brother now. Still, he watched the growing crowd through the twilight, searching for a tall, dark-haired youkai with the mark across his nose. Considering how they'd parted, Gojyo wasn't sure how their reunion would go, but he knew that someday, they'd meet again.

Dusk gave way to darkness, and after much ceremonial hoopla, a lit torch touched the pile of wood. The bonfire seemed to come alive. Its glow was bright enough to light up the entire green--almost like daylight cast through an amber filter. Long, dark shadows followed everyone and stretched to the tree line, creating the illusion that just outside the comforting glow of fire light, was another party of shadowy, two-dimensional beings. Music started from a raised platform, and Gojyo knew it was only matter of time before the real party started. Already, he could see bottles and pipes passing through the gathering crowd. He wondered what Kanan would think of the coming madness and chuckled--knowing Kanan, she'd love it.

A man weaving through the crowd caught Gojyo's eye. He wasn't Jien, but a tall human with light hair. The guy was familiar to Gojyo, but he couldn't remember where he'd seen the man before. Gojyo giggled at his faulty memory, and then frowned at himself. He didn't usually giggle.

The bonfire drew his attention again. The flames burned orange, then yellow, and then red. Blue burst out of the middle of the dancing fire and reached toward the purpling sky. The blue peeled apart, and the individual pieces turned into silver-colored stars as they floated higher. His eyes followed the stars, and he was vaguely aware that they weren't acting right. They swirled overhead, creating one solid cluster before exploding outwards and forming an image. There, in the sky, was an outline of an army of men--all wearing long coats.

He stared for a moment before the stars collapsed and reformed. This time the image was of two men with the same long coats--and for random stars in the sky, Gojyo marveled at the incredible detail. One man had longish hair, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and a sword. The other man … Hell, the other guy looked like Gojyo, only with short hair and carrying some wicked- looking gun. In the background, there was something else. A dragon? Yeah, that's what it was.

"Dude," Banri said from somewhere to his right. "What do ya see up there?"

Gojyo blinked as his mind made some connections. He forced his eyes from the sky and toward Banri. His friend looked suspiciously like a ghoul, with a skeleton head and sunken black spaces for eyes. That made Gojyo laugh for some reason. Hysterically. "You bastard," he managed to say through his laughter, "what the hell did you put in that drink?"

"Just a little party favor for ya, somethin' the locals call _Flyin'_." Banri laughed hysterically in return. "You've been so gloomy, I just wanted ta see ya laugh for a while. Like ya used ta. Chicks always mess up the good guys."

Gojyo was still laughing, but he heard what Banri was saying. Kanan had brought major changes in him and maybe, just maybe, not all of them were good. Especially his sad, brooding sulks of the last few weeks.

"You're right, dude." Gojyo stood up. The growing fire was so enticing. He wanted to get down there, feel heat from the bonfire's flames, feel the music, and feel the pulsing heartbeat of the crowd. With the seductive effects of the hallucinogen coursing through his bloodstream, he wanted to join the celebration. "Let's go."

Gojyo spent the next several hours drinking, staring at the fire, and even dancing with the rest of the merrymakers. Much to Banri's annoyance, Gojyo had turned down several tempting propositions from both men and women. He wasn't sure why he'd refused--he was horny as hell from the drugs and the erotic press of human bodies against his--but he really wasn't interested in anyone's touch. He only wanted Kanan.

After a bit, Banri had finally gotten lucky and disappeared. Left alone, Gojyo'd wandered into the night, past the glow from the celebration, and masturbated in the trees. He lay on a bed of pine needles and stared at the night sky, stroking himself and dreaming of Kanan. He could almost smell her--the scent of her arousal and jasmine-scented soap--and he could almost feel her pink lips and strong tongue around him, swallowing him. Imagining her sucking him off seemed more real than pretending he wanted to be with someone else. Even though it didn't really help. Banri's damned drugs had given him a permanent hard-on.

He returned to the party and quickly lost himself in the happy crowd, wandering aimlessly with his grin fixed on his face, when someone slapped him on his back. Gojyo turned to see Grif, a goofy smile stretching across his face. Dilated pupils made his friend's dark eyes even darker than usual.

Gojyo laughed--he was doing a lot of that. "I see you also had some of Banri's special drink."

"Yeah, that bastard." Grif continued to smile. "You're probably really soarin'; his stuff always affects you the most. Although, I think he gave Chiaki a double dose. Last I saw of that dude, he was telling people he could read their minds."

"You left him?" Gojyo had amusing visions of Chiaki hauled away to the loony bin.

"Yeah, but not alone. There were a couple of girls with him; I'm sure they'll take care of him. They didn't want me around anyway, ya know?" Grif shook his head but continued to grin. "Higher thanna kite, and he still gets more chicks than I do. It ain't fair."

Gojyo burst into laughter again. "Banri's gonna hate that story."

"No shit." Grif straightened up. "Hey, come on, I saw a fortune-teller's tent down a little ways. Let's go see what kind of stupid things they tell us."

Gojyo shook his head as he followed his friend, his grin firmly in place. "I'm not sure this is a good idea. I'll probably laugh and then piss them off. We'll probably get cursed or something."

"Nah. It'll be fun." Grif stopped and faced him. "Ya aren't afraid, are ya?"

Mystic shit wasn't really something Gojyo believed in, but he didn't really like to tempt fate, either. He'd seen some weird stuff in his life, and you never knew. There was something creepy about fortune-tellers--and he was a little afraid--but he wasn't about to let Grif know that. "Just go, asshole."

They walked past a carnie calling out for people to come and get an easy win by shooting rotating metal ducks. They skirted around a line outside a tent filled with oddities from other lands, then stopped for a few moments and watched a pair of fire-eaters. Finally, they arrived outside a colorful tent with a big eyeball painted on a wooden signboard that was propped against the canvas.

Two huge guys flanked the entrance to the tent. They watched closely but didn't move or say anything as Grif and Gojyo passed them. Inside, they found a dimly lit, incense-filled tent with a couple of rickety-looking chairs and a wobbly table. They sat down and waited, giggling about nothing.

A wrinkly old lady entered the tent. She was dressed in bright swathes of pink and purple silk, and she wore lots of jangly jewelry. She stared at both of them before pointing at Grif and holding out her hand. Grif handed her money. Folding her hands together, she nodded toward a glass bowl in a corner.

While Grif placed the money in the bowl, she gracefully folded herself down to the tent floor in front of a circular piece of black fabric and gestured for Grif to do the same. Grif flopped to the ground, taking several moments to rearrange his long legs.

The fortune-teller waited patiently until Grif finished moving. Then she picked up a jar and poured sand over her fingers, and onto the fabric. She closed her eyes.

After a moment, she set down the jar. "You live an aimless life, living off others. In order to save yourself, you must think before you speak. Otherwise, you will die."

She opened her eyes.

"Is that it?" Grif stared at her.

"No." She brushed off her hands. "You will meet your end in a tavern because you pick a fight with the wrong man. _That's_ it, and that will be your life if you do not seek to change."

Grif stared, with his mouth hanging open for a moment. Then he narrowed his eyes. "What a lame fortune! I can't believe I paid for that, you cheating old hag!"

"You don't believe me anyway." The old lady glared at him. "Isn't that correct? Wasn't that your purpose in coming here--to make fun of whatever I told you? Should I make up pretty lies for a boy who ridicules me?"

Grif swallowed. Gojyo knew that was exactly why Grif had wanted to have his fortune read.

Gojyo fidgeted. He didn't like the way this conversation was going. The smoke from the burning incense thickened and tendrils curled around him, licking at him.

The fortune-teller stood, suddenly seeming much bigger, her presence filling the room. Grif cowered and scrambled away from her until she swung her intense stare toward Gojyo. Feeling as if there were a million ants crawling over his skin, Gojyo's drug-induced smile quickly faded.

The old lady continued to gaze at him penetratingly before she said, "He may suffer a foolish death, but your journey is far more difficult."

Gojyo felt his reason slam back into his body, and he shivered. "What?"

"You are too many and your paths too varied. Reading your fortune might very well kill me. You should go to the tent with the card players." She closed her eyes. "Now please leave. Even your presence is tiring."

"What? But I have the fee …."

"No. The one you will love most has not yet arrived …" She shook her head and sighed. "No, even in matters of the heart you are tangled up. You are too much. Leave now!"

The old woman shouted something in a language Gojyo didn't understand. The next thing he knew, the two giant guys they'd seen earlier were ushering them outside the tent. Once outside, Gojyo stood there with his money in his hand, staring at a pale and shaking Grif.

"She knew, Gojyo." Grif's eyes were wide with fear. "I think she could read my mind!"

"Don't be a such wimp, she couldn't read your mind." Gojyo didn't think her fortune telling about Grif was very impressive. After all, Banri, Tero, and Gojyo had all told Grif his big mouth would get him killed someday. But what she'd said to Gojyo bothered him.

 _The one you will love most has not yet arrived._

Grif grabbed his arm. "I'm telling you, she could--"

"Just _chill_ , Grif. That old woman's full of it." Gojyo glared at the tent.

"Ma-maybe."

Gojyo looked at his friend; Grif was practically shaking. This situation was ridiculous. He reached up and gave Grif a not-so-gentle slap on his cheek. "Come on you dork, let's go play some mahjong."

"Yeah." Grif nodded and then straightened. "Okay."

They never made it to the mahjong tent. With the drugs still coursing through them, they were easily distracted, and as the night wore on, Grif was tempted by fireworks and wandered away. Later on (and quite by accident) Gojyo found himself sitting in a brightly lit tent, watching several poker games. He was too high to play himself, but he watched, fascinated by the flutter of cards, the clink of chips, and the incredible mind games.

The guy he thought he might have recognized earlier sat at a table smoking a long, brown cigarette and staring at his fellow card players. In his hazy, drug-addled mind, Gojyo was convinced the guy could see through the cards. He hadn't lost a hand the entire time Gojyo watched.

After a while, Gojyo started to come down from his high, and he paid closer attention to the poker player. The guy's eyes were two different shades of gray, one much darker with flecks of dark brown, or maybe red--and that seemed to unnerve a few people, but that wasn't why he was so good. Gojyo was pretty sure he was reading the other players' reactions.

Unfortunately, that was just about the time everyone quit. In just a few moments, the tent emptied out, leaving Gojyo, the guy, a pile of money, and one other table of players.

"So." The man finally looked at Gojyo. "What did you think?" He looked human, but there was a ring on his index finger, and Gojyo was certain it was a power limiter. He was equally sure he'd met the guy before, but he couldn't remember where.

"Pretty cool," Gojyo finally said. "Does it take a long time to learn to read people like that?"

The guy laughed. "I find it amusing that you're asking me. I've been watching you all night, and weren’t you reading everyone?"

"Well, yeah. But not like you."

"You're also very young. With time and practice, you might be good." The guy leaned forward to gather up all his money, and a pendant fell from the collar of his shirt. It was a cross.

Gojyo remembered now. He touched the side of his head. "I met you in an alley. There was a lot of blood, and you helped me."

"Ah, I see you've kept some memory of that day. I was beginning to wonder. So, that hit with the staff didn't knock all of your brains out." He sat back down. "My name's Masato."

"Should you be here? You're a priest."

The guy stared at him. "In a very loose sense of the word, I suppose that's true. I do work for the church and wear the robes from time to time, but I'm not much of a priest. I'm what they might refer to as an enforcer."

"What?" Gojyo blinked. "Like a cop?"

"A bit. As you mentioned in the alley, sometimes people in the church don't behave the way they should. That's when I'm called in." He lit one of his long, brown cigarettes. "I clean up messes."

Gojyo thought the guy's job sound kind of mysterious and cool.

"I was investigating some reports of a misbehaving priest at one of the orphanages." He took a long drag and stared at Gojyo. "Unfortunately, someone managed to kill the bastard before I could get proof of his … misdeeds. Even so, I suppose he had it coming."

"Oh." Gojyo didn't know what else to say, and Masato kept … watching him. Did he know? Gojyo fidgeted.

"Mmm." Masato took another drag. "So, my lad, what are your plans for the future?"

"What do you mean?"

Masato flicked his ashes into an ashtray. "You're becoming a man. You can't continue to run illegal substances and pick pockets all your life, right?"

Gojyo's instinct for denial was reflexive, but they both knew better. Instead, he simply shrugged. "I don't have many options."

"Bullshit."

Scratching at his neck, Gojyo tried to smile, but his face was sore from his earlier laughing spree. "You don't really talk like a priest, you know."

"Yes, I do know. I told you, I'm not really a priest." Masato chewed on the end of his smoke. "Are you even looking for a purpose? Or will you be a punk all your life? Will you be one of those people who die in some stupid bar fight and nobody shows for your funeral?"

The words echoed those of Grif's fortune, and for a moment, Gojyo didn't know how to respond. Then he narrowed his eyes at Masato. The nosy bastard was getting on his nerves. "What do you care?"

"That's a fair question." The guy took the cigarette out of his mouth, set it in a nearby ashtray, and then slid the ring off his finger.

Gojyo's scalp prickled as the air charged with electricity and Masato's ears, teeth, hair, and nails lengthened. Gojyo stared unblinking, unsure of what to say, as Masato grimaced through the pain of his transformation. When he finished, the enforcer's hair was as reddish-brown as was _one_ of his eyes.

Masato picked up his cigarette and stuck it back into his mouth. "Get it now? I care because I'm like you. I'm also part human and part youkai."

Gojyo shook his head. "But I don't need power limiters, plus they don't work on _me_."

"That's because you're a hanyou. My mother was a hanyou. My father was a youkai."

Gojyo blinked. "But that's not possible …"

"Not possible? Says who?" Masato waved his hand in the air. "Don't tell me you believe the stories about hanyous being sterile? Well, I guess I'm living proof to the contrary. Half-breeds can have children. Although I'd have to say, they're rare. I've heard of others, but I've never met one."

"But what about the differences? The chromosome things?"

Masato raised an eyebrow. "Ah, yes. That's a load of crap. Lies told to promote prejudice against us. There's no such difference."

Everything Gojyo thought he knew shifted just a bit. If he was able to father children, then--

"So you see?" Masato crushed out his impressive-looking cigarette. "You're not that different after all, are you?"

"I don't …"

"What?" Masato narrowed his eyes. "Don't tell me you're disappointed?"

Gojyo shook his head. "No."

The enforcer stood. "I'm going to bed. I'll be here tomorrow if you want to learn something about cards. Gambling's not a bad way to survive--if you can keep the demons at bay."

Gojyo watched him walk out of the tent. He was tired from his drug-induced laughing, fighting, partying, and watching--but he was still wide-awake. Sliding off his chair, Gojyo worked a few kinks out of his back and then stepped out into the chill of early morning. He was starving. As he wove through the now-quiet fair, stepping over sleeping bodies and pools of questionable--and at times, _chunky_ \--liquid, he nicked a few apples and a few strips of dried meat from one of the vendors.

Wolfing down the food, he thought about the priest's--no, he wasn't really a priest, was he?--well, whatever he was, Gojyo gave Masato's words some thought. What would Gojyo do with his life now? The idea of continuing his current occupation of drug runner and pickpocket didn't really appeal to him, but what else could he do?

Working in the service industry was out and hard labor really didn't appeal to him. His mind returned to the Masato's card game. Gojyo had enjoyed the tension, the bluffing, and the thrill of gambling. He'd like to try that. As he ran the last part of the trail to Maho's barn, he realized he was looking forward to the next night.

 

***

"Hi, Gojyo."

She was sitting on the steps in front of their apartment, green dress clinging to her slim form, knees pulled to her chest, arms looped loosely around her legs, and her long braid falling over one shoulder. His heartbeat stuttered, and before he halted his steps to stand before her, he had a raging hard-on.

"Why are you outside?"

Kanan tipped her head to one side, giving him a shy grin. "I lost my key. Pretty silly, huh?" She held out her hand. "We need to quit meeting like this."

Gojyo took her hand and pulled her to her feet. "Yeah. You are pretty silly."

"Wow!" She slipped her arms around his neck. "You've grown a good six centimeters. I have to stand on my toes, now."

"Really?" He glanced way down at her. "Huh. I wondered why my pants were so short."

"If you haven't completely outgrown then, I can fix them."

"Cool." He drew her close, catching a whiff of her scent, and his body hummed in reaction. "Hmm, I've missed you."

She giggled, while pressing her hips against his erection. "I can tell."

"We'd better go inside or I'm going to just screw you right here."

"Hmm, that sounds like a good idea."

They'd barely made past the door to the apartment before they were both on the floor, half-undressed, and Gojyo was rolling on a condom. He sighed with pleasure as he slid inside her tight, perfect fit. He hadn't slept with anyone in the last four months because there was something special about sex with Kanan--she made him feel like he mattered.

Her lean legs wrapped around his hips, forcing him deeper. He gladly gave her what she wanted, getting floor burns in his eagerness to thrust harder. Kanan moaned and dug her fingernails into his back.

"Can you come at this angle?" He breathed in her ear. Normally, Kanan needed a lot of foreplay, but she was wet, ready, and obviously horny. Apparently, she'd missed him, too.

She was panting as she pushed up with her hips, rubbing against him. "I think so."

He shifted slightly, giving her more movement. "Kanan, I'll wait until you're ready."

"Trust me, you won't have a very long wait." Her legs locked tighter around him and then she was coming, her inner muscles squeezing his cock.

His control broke, and he quickly followed her orgasm with one of his own.

"That was quick." Her breathing was slowing. "I needed that."

"Yeah." Gojyo rolled onto his back and removed his condom. He was almost ready to go again. "Me too."

She climbed to her feet and pulled off her rumpled clothes. "Well, I was going to ask if you had any food, but I think I'm hungrier for something else. What about you?"

Pulling off what remained of his half-shredded shirt, he tossed it aside and then kicked off his jeans and boxers. He faced her with a grin. "I've been starving for months myself."

 

***

 

"So, I brought this book with me."

He felt boneless, his eyes closed as he floated on his post-coital bliss. "Yeah? More poetry?"

"No." She giggled. "It's about sex and different positions and things."

He cracked an eye open. "What? Another one? You've turned out to be quite the perv."

"I blame you." She gave his hip a vicious pinch, and he yelped in surprised pain.

Rolling to his side, he looked at her. "Did you have something in mind?"

"Yes. A few somethings, actually."

"All right, but I think we'll have to wait a bit." He yawned. "You've already given me a pretty good workout."

"Oh, I forgot to tell you!" They were lying in opposite directions on their bed. She rubbed her left foot against his arm. "I found my brother."

"Really?" Gojyo's fingers caressed her foot, and he licked at her ankle. "Is he like you?"

She giggled. "That tickles! Well, he's still got eyes like mine."

"Twins with green eyes--hmm, now there's a hot fantasy for me."

She smacked him on the head with her other foot. "He's a guy, you know."

"Your point?"

She rolled her eyes. "Who's the pervert now, Sha Gojyo?"

Gojyo sucked gently at her ankle. Her skin tasted so good.

"He's not really like me, he's … kind of dark."

"What do you mean?" He moved his mouth to her calf and licked again. "Do you mean he wears goth clothes and scares kids? He's not one of those emo shoe-gazers, is he?"

She giggled again. "No, if he's anything, I'd say he's just the opposite of emotional. He's very intelligent, almost freakishly so, but there's just something _off_ about him. It's hard to explain, but it's like something's broken inside him. He's very hard to reach emotionally--almost like there's a disconnect from any real feelings."

Gojyo knew the type. Prim and proper, the guy no one noticed until one day he went off and killed twenty people. Gojyo shook his head, banishing the crazy thought. "Was he happy to see you again?"

"I don't know, to be honest. He doesn't even know I'm his sister yet."

"You didn't tell him?"

"Not yet." She sighed. "He's twitchy enough already, and I don't want to scare him off."

"Well, I'm sure he'll love knowing you're his sister." Gojyo shifted and turned so he could kiss her inner thigh, aware of his thickening erection.

Fingers wove through his hair and tightened.

He raised his head. Kanan's eyes were filled with tears. "What's wrong?"

"I'm so happy to be home."

He moved next to her and pulled her close. "Is school bad?"

"No, not at all. I'm just …"

Gojyo knew what she was trying to say. In spite of their happy reunion, things were very different. She had new friends and her schoolwork; he still had his punk friends and his aimless life. There was a gap between them now, and it would only widen every time she went away. Gojyo stroked her loose hair, the strands feeling like cool water as they ran through his fingers.

"I'm getting all maudlin." She rubbed at her eyes. "I think you need to tell me about the festival you attended."

He thought back to the wild celebration over two months earlier. He remembered the drugs, alcohol, and the wild, naked dancing. But the big news was that Gojyo had learned on that second day of the festival how much he enjoyed gambling. Masato had taught him several games and fronted him a small amount of money to play with.

Gojyo had cleaned out his playing partners, earning himself what he considered a fortune. Most everyone playing had congratulated him, and he had been required to buy a round of drinks. Buying the drinks hadn't been a problem for him, but what he had found annoying was the many comments about beginner's luck. He'd returned on the final night of cards to prove them wrong.

Cards were fickle--he'd learned that lesson very quickly. He didn't lose anything in his second night of gambling, but he didn't win anything, either. Since he'd returned home, gambling at cards had become something of an obsession, and he wanted to get better. He played at a few of the local taverns, and some weeks were better than others. Even so, he seemed lucky in one respect: gambling didn't rule his life. Sure, he enjoyed the competition and the game, but he knew when to walk away. Already he'd learned to be wary--some people turned very ugly when they lost.

Gambling was something of a tightrope walk.

He could tell her about it, but he'd have to be careful. Masato was the problem. There was no way Gojyo could tell Kanan about his card-playing priest friend. Especially since he was the same priest who'd given him that necklace and caused their horrible fight. Keeping Masato and his card playing as secret seemed like the right thing to do. He was good at filing things away; that was how he'd survived for so long.

If she ever found out, Gojyo knew she'd be furious. But chances were good that she'd never know, and it would save them both a lot of heartache in the end.

"Gojyo?"

He glanced over at Kanan, who was looking at him expectantly, and he realized he hadn't said anything for several minutes. Finally, he touched her lovely face and kissed her. "There's not much to say. It was mostly drugs, alcohol, and wild, naked dancing."

She blinked at him. "Oh, no you don't. There was more than that. Now you tell me about it!"

"I learned how to play cards and gamble. I took drugs, drank, danced naked under the moon, and wished you were with me."

Kanan clucked her tongue in exasperation. "You know, you've gotten much better at derailing conversations about yourself. Now, _tell_ me."

He only knew one way steer her away from this conversation. Cupping her breast, he licked at her nipple.

"Gojyo …"

Gently, he sucked and bit her hardening nipple as he slid his fingers between her legs, rubbing her wet clit.

"Oh, that's …" She wiggled her hips, widening her legs and giving him better access. "Ah!"

He raised his head. "Do you want to show me that book now?"

She closed her eyes, giving in. "Hmm, absolutely."

***


	8. Part 7

Gojyo quietly folded up Kanan's letter and placed it back in the envelope on the table. He'd practically run from the post office to his house, eager to read the details of when she was to arrive. They hadn't seen each other since last fall--over four months now.

Her letter told him she wouldn't be able to make the trip again until spring. If she did show up then, the time between her visits would be eight months. His heart felt squeezed, and his disappointment was so sharp it was like physical pain.

Eight months. Gojyo chewed on his lip. Kanan's letters were less frequent and shorter now. Of course, his own letters were even fewer and shorter than hers. He sat back in the chair at the little table. She'd left less than a year ago, and during that twelve-month span, they'd seen each other twice for a total of three and a half weeks. Branded on Gojyo's memory was every moment of their twenty-five days, four hours, and thirteen minutes together.

He glanced around the shabby space he still thought of as Kanan's apartment. So far, he'd managed to keep up with the rent on the little place, but he was starting to fall behind now. Banri was missing--there had been some run-in with the law--so he'd gone into hiding until things cooled down a bit. The jobs had dried up when he'd left.

Maybe it was time to let the place go. Kanan was more like a ghost now, a figment of his imagination. A dream. Holding on to the apartment was just prolonging the inevitable, and now it was time to let it go. Gojyo drummed his fingers on the table. Yeah, he should give it up, but he knew he wouldn't.

Not yet.

Standing up, he slipped on his coat and headed out the door. He was hungry and broke, and in his bitter desperation, he considered a little bar he used to frequent. If he were to show up there and hang around a bit, he knew it would only be a matter of time before someone would want to take the pretty, red-haired boy home. He'd get money to buy food, and really, what difference did it make anymore?

In the end, though, he changed direction and ended up at Banri's house. Maybe Grif and Chiaki had managed to steal some food. Gojyo knew better than to expect they'd figured out something better than simple thievery.

"Gojyo!"

He turned to see Mr. Tang, the owner of the restaurant where Kanan worked. No, he mentally corrected himself, now it was the restaurant where Kanan had worked. Gojyo liked the tough old codger; he'd always been good to Gojyo.

"Hey, Mr. Tang." As the old guy got closer, Gojyo noticed a swollen eye and a bloody nose. "What the hell happened to you?"

"I'm so happy to see you!" Mr. Tang was breathing hard, and he looked terrified as he bowed deeply. "Gojyo, no one else will help, and I don't know what to do!"

"Whoa!" Gojyo grabbed the old man by his shoulders, wondering if he was having a heart attack. "Now, slow down and tell me what's going on."

Mr. Tang nodded. "It started when two young men showed up at the restaurant …"

Three hours later, Gojyo trudged through the snow toward Banri's house, carrying two huge bags. He had a couple of cracked ribs, a split lip, a loose back tooth, and--most importantly--a full belly. He also had enough food to feed an army for a couple of days. Considering how his day had started, he felt pretty good.

Mr. Tang was a victim of a badly planned shakedown operation. Some punks had tried to insist that he needed to pay for protection. When the restaurant owner refused, the vicious little bastards wrecked the furniture, beat him up, and then snatched Mrs. Tang for ransom.

There'd been five of them, and it had taken Gojyo longer to figure out where they were hiding than it had to beat the crap out of them. None of them really knew how to fight, and apparently, they'd just relied on their numbers. When they realized they were losing to Gojyo, two had run away, ditching their friends to save their sorry asses from a beat-down they sorely deserved.

Gojyo had searched the ones left behind--one was moaning; the other two were unconscious. Total powder puffs. If they hadn't had those stupid bamboo staffs, he wouldn't have received any injuries. Gojyo decided that someday soon, he needed to learn how to use one of those things.

Together with Mr. Tang, he'd also searched the shabby house, but there wasn't much to be had. The punks weren't very good extortionists. He'd given any money he'd found to Mrs. Tang. The small amount of cash might've saved him from the threat of eviction, but right now, fixing up the Tang's restaurant was more important. Kanan would understand.

Mrs. Tang was relatively unharmed, and while showering Gojyo with her thanks, she purposefully kicked two of the ineffective thugs on her way out of their hideout. Gojyo thought Mrs. Tang was pretty cool.

Back at the restaurant, Gojyo tried to help clean up the mess, but the Tangs wouldn't hear of it. Instead, they gave him bowl after bowl of food and then loaded him down with more food to take home, all the while apologizing for how troublesome they'd been.

As if. Gojyo's full stomach gave a contented rumble.

The guys were very happy to see him. Grif practically choked to death, he ate so fast. Even Chiaki managed to give Gojyo a slimy smile of thanks.

Tero had shown up again out of the blue--as if he'd known Banri was gone and there was food to be eaten. He looked like a skeleton, and he sat huddled in a corner while he ate, his eyes watched the door constantly, like he was some sort of rodent expecting a predator to show up. Something bad had happened to Tero, but Gojyo didn't ask any questions. Sometimes life was easier that way.

After everyone had eaten their fill, Gojyo talked them into playing cards. Because of his cash flow problem, he hadn't been able to play much lately. He almost always beat Grif and Chiaki, but at least he got a little practice. Tero was too distracted to be much of a concern except for the cards he was showing.

They'd been playing for about an hour, betting poker chips and drinking some rotgut alcohol Chiaki'd managed to find, when Grif finally asked the question Gojyo'd been dreading.

"So, dude," the big guy said around the stub of a homemade cigarette, "you didn't tell us when your girl was comin' to visit."

"Call." Gojyo threw down some chips. "That's because she's not."

Chiaki folded, and then he leaned on the table, a crooked smile on his face and a challenge in his voice. "Really? Why's that?"

Gojyo stared at the other man but didn't say anything.

Chiaki had his uses--he was a damn good lock pick and he could get into any building, but lately, his snide comments had been rubbing Gojyo the wrong way. Apparently, Chiaki's luck with the ladies had taken a turn for the worse, and for some reason, the greasy little weasel blamed Gojyo for it. Even Banri had noticed and warned Gojyo to watch his back.

"I heard they expect this winter to be really bad," Grif said, oblivious to the growing tension in the room. "The roads are already impassable in some spots."

"Hmm." Chiaki sat back in his chair. "Maybe she just doesn't want the risk of being stuck with a half-breed mutt all winter."

Gojyo felt an unnatural anger fill him, but he still didn't say anything. Name-calling was nothing new to him, but hearing it from Chiaki was almost too much.

"Dude!" Grif stared at Chiaki. "Sayin' stuff like that ain't cool!"

Tero quietly left the table and slipped back into his corner.

"You should write to her." Chiaki baited him with his oily voice. "And tell her when she comes for a visit, I'll be your back-up--"

Gojyo grabbed the table's edge and with one quick movement, flipped it over and out of the way. There was a loud crash when the table--landed, poker chips and cards came down like rain--but Gojyo hardly noticed as he jumped on Chiaki, knocking the guy backwards off his chair and onto the floor. He grabbed him by the throat. Chiaki's fingernails scraped at his wrists and arms as Gojyo squeezed, and he felt his muscles and sinews contract. There was a low droning in Gojyo's head, masking any other sound except for the steady pounding of his heart and his ragged, slowed-down. For the first time in his life, Gojyo felt the raw desire to kill someone with his bare hands.

Distantly, he heard a muffled shouting, and then there was a pressure around his waist. Someone was trying to pull him off Chiaki, but still Gojyo's fingers squeezed, dragging the smarmy little bastard along. Gojyo was dimly aware of a wide-eyed and terrified Tero trying to pry his fingers from Chiaki's windpipe and Grif tugging frantically at him, telling him to let go, and that he was killing Chiaki.

Gojyo would have crushed the life out of Chiaki then and there if he hadn't heard the crack of splintering wood and the laughter that followed. He raised his head. The front door hung lopsided from one remaining, twisted hinge; the other hinges swung loose, torn away from the molding. Banri leaned one shoulder against the doorframe, cigarette between his fingers and a six-pack in his hand as he laughed his ass off.

Gojyo's red-tinged vision cleared, and the world wavered before sharpening back into focus around him once again. He looked at his scratched and bleeding hands where they were locked around a blue-faced Chiaki's neck. What was he doing?

"And here I thought I'd be the one ta kill your sorry ass, Chaiki." Banri nodded at Gojyo. "'Sup, Gojyo?"

Gojyo's fingers slipped from Chiaki's neck and he stood up, shaking off Grif's hold. Random thoughts wandered aimlessly through Gojyo's fuzzy brain. He hadn't noticed until now, but at some point, he'd grown taller than Grif. He was also stronger than the big guy. Gojyo thought maybe he should stop calling Grif _big guy_ now that things had changed so much. He stared at the blood trickling from his hands.

Now that _Gojyo_ had changed so much.

Chiaki coughed weakly and rolled to his side. His voice was hoarse and ragged when he said, "You asshole, Gojyo! I was just teasing."

"Sure ya were." Banri strolled across the floor to poke Chiaki with his foot. "Got a friend that's dyin' ta meet ya, Chiaki. Know someone by the name of Mingo?"

Fear clouded Chiaki's eyes, and he rasped out, "Mingo? How do you know him?"

"I jus' ran into him inna bar in a couple of villages over. He said some bastard ran off with all his money and his daughter. Some kinda babe magnet dude. Turns out the girl showed up a couple of months ago, knocked up an' big as a house, cryin' on her daddy's shoulder about her punkass boyfriend dumpin' her. Are ya saying ya don't know about that?"

"I don't." Chiaki shook his head and rubbed at his bruised throat. "That wasn't me."

"Really? Mingo said it was. Said he was lookin' forward ta seein' ya again. He should be in town here in a bit."

Chiaki stood up and staggered out the door.

"Good riddance, ya slimy piece of shit." Banri grinned, took a beer, and then motioned the six-pack toward the cowering Tero. "Give those out and then put what's left in the fridge. Ya look like shit, Tero, an' this place looks like ass. Is there any food?"

Tero sighed in relief and scurried around to do Banri's bidding.

Grif gave Banri a big bear hug.

Gojyo stood in the same spot and wondered what was happening to him and when he'd started to change. He didn't think he liked who he was turning into. For a flickering moment, Gojyo wondered if his change had something to do with Kanan. Was it his searing disappointment because she wasn't coming? Or was it because Chiaki'd said what Gojyo feared the most? What if she never came back?

"Dude? Why ya look like someone ran over yer dog?" Banri was staring at him. "It was just Chiaki. That bastard could piss off a dead guy."

Grif nodded wildly. "He called Gojyo a half-breed mutt! Said that was why Kanan wasn't comin'!"

Tero stuttered out, "Sh-sh-shut up, Gr-grif!"

Ignoring Grif's comment about Kanan, Banri turned his eyes toward Tero. "Man, I thought maybe someone'd cut yer tongue out. Good ta see you can still talk, ya goof. An' don't worry, I won't hit ya back. At least, not until yer feelin' a bit better."

The last time they'd seen Tero, he hadn't had a stutter. Now when the little guy smiled and nodded at Banri, there were several missing teeth, and it looked like part of his mouth didn't work quite right anymore. Gojyo didn't want to know what had happened to Tero; he didn't know how much more bad news he could take today.

"Here." Banri threw some money at Grif. "You two, go get us some booze."

After Tero and Grif propped the door so it looked kind of closed, Banri looked at Gojyo and said, "So, I ran into these guys and I think they might have a good job for us. I worked fer 'em a bit – they need some muscle, protection. Grif's too stupid ta know when ta keep his mouth shut, and I didn't know if you'd have time 'cause of … Well, it sounds like you'll be free now."

"Yeah." Gojyo nodded and then righted the table. "I'll be free."

Banri picked up the chair and sat down. Frowning at Gojyo, he lit a cigarette. "The job's kinda heavy. There's guns an' shit. Ya all right with that?"

Aware that he was stepping out of simple running and into a different, more dangerous world, Gojyo nodded again. "Yeah, if the pay’s good, I'm fine."

Rolling his eyes, Banri growled, "Stop bein' so damn grim. Did she tell ya to go fuck yerself?"

"No." Gojyo sighed the tension out from his body. He'd had a hellish day. "She said she'd visit in the spring."

"Well, then just get laid and get that outta yer system. That's all ya need. No one waits a year ta get laid, and you--yer part water sprite, fer fuck's sake. She’s stupid if she thinks that’s happening, and she's not stupid."

Kanan had only been gone four months, but somehow, Banri's words made weird sense to him. "Yeah. Maybe that is what I need."

"Fuckin' A." Banri pointed to the other chair and took a drag of his smoke. "Well, now that all that shit's outta the way, let's party."

 

***

"Gojyo, I'm sorry."

If you'd asked Gojyo, he'd say his landlady didn't look a bit sorry.

The woman clasped her hands. "If you don't pay soon, I'll have to ask you to leave."

"I know." Gojyo'd tried to avoid the old hag, but here she was, like a hound dog on a blood scent. He wondered how long she'd been lurking outside, waiting for him. "I'll have it for you soon."

"Uh-huh." The landlady didn't sound convinced.

Gojyo left the apartment building and walked toward a bar where he played cards. Well, he was in the shit now, wasn't he? Banri had double-crossed one of his employers and had to leave town in a rush. Again. That was months ago, and the bodyguard job had fallen through. So far, through his own ingenuity and luck, Gojyo had managed to hold everything together. Until now. He was out of options and about to be thrown out of Kanan's apartment.

His stomach growled.

There was no problem with him moving back into Banri's small, smelly house, but the thought just didn't appeal to him. He liked living on his own. Besides, Kanan would be back next week, and he wanted to hold on to the place during her visit. Just a little more.

"Hey, Gojyo."

He turned to see the landlady's daughter, Mizumi. She sauntered toward him, her snug, low-cut, dress clinging to her ample curves. Her hair fell in a cascade of waves past her waist. She was lovely and she knew it.

And she was Gojyo's ingenuity.

"Mother bothering you for rent again, is she?"

"Yeah." Gojyo shrugged, knowing what was coming and retreating behind his charming smile, something he used less for seduction and more like battle armor these days. "I'm ways behind, like always. I did better before that Soshi guy showed up. He's a badass card player."

"Your loss is my gain, I think. I could help with the rent, you know …" She traced his jawline with a fingertip and Gojyo pulled back even further, severing himself completely from his emotions. She clasped her hands behind her back. The pose made her breasts look enormous.

"Hmm, tempting as always, Mizumi." He leaned closer and lowered his voice. "But right now I have a date with some card players."

"Oh, how dull." She trailed her fingers over his collarbone and walked past him. "Well, if you get bored, you know where to find me."

Gojyo watched her wiggling hips as she strolled away. Well, if the night didn't go well with card playing, at least he had a backup plan. For now, anyway.

 

As Takahashi finished dealing the last round of cards, Gojyo made some quick calculations, then checked his opponent's cards and, more importantly, their body language. A mild cheek twitch informed him that Grif's hand wasn't a worry. In contrast, Kimura's slight eye dilation was a problem. Then there was Takahashi--he set his cards down and crossed his arms. Gojyo noticed Takahashi's almost-imperceptible tell: rubbing his thumb and index finger together, a sign that his cards were crap but he'd try to bluff. Soshi, as usual, was completely cool and totally unreadable.

Predictably, Grif slid his cards toward Takahashi and growled, "I fold."

Grif wasn't very good at poker. Gojyo had tried to teach him, but the guy just couldn't wrap his brain around it. He kept trying, and sometimes, that wasn't a good thing.

Four of them remained. Everyone turned their eyes toward Takahashi, who had a king and a jack showing. He threw in his chips. "I'm in."

Hmm.

Kimura peeked at his two facedown cards again and sniffed, telling Gojyo everything he needed to know. Although Kimura had an ace showing, there was also a four. Kimura had nothing, but he threw the call in anyway. "I'm in."

Soshi's voice was quiet. "I call--" the clink of chips on chips, "--and raise twenty-five."

"Twenty-five! Shit." Takahashi slipped his cards toward the deck. "I'm out."

Kimura lit a cigarette. Sweat glistened on his forehead. He constantly bragged about his skill at poker, but for all his strutting about, he sucked at bluffing.

Gojyo paused for a second before he added his twenty-five. He knew he had Kimura beat, but Soshi was 50/50. He still couldn't read that guy. Gojyo had a pair of queens in his hand and one showing. Three of a kind with a ten high would normally be a winning hand, but Soshi had a real possibility of a straight.

He needed money. Kanan would be back in a few days, and he wanted to show her a good time and take her out for a change. His options were getting slim. Also, there was that damn landlady to deal with. He needed his luck to hold, and he didn't want to resort to Mizumi.

Takahashi nodded. "All right, gentlemen, let's see 'em."

Kimura had a pair of sevens.

"Dude!" Grif snorted. "What were you thinking?"

Kimura stood up, leaned across the table, and punched Grif in the jaw. There wasn't much leverage, and it wasn't much of a punch, but it was enough to get the dumbass to shut up. Grif would never learn.

Everyone else ignored them; their argument hadn't messed up the game.

Gojyo flipped his cards over.

Takahashi cheered, "Whoa! Three of a kind!"

Then Soshi turned his cards. A straight.

"Aww, dude," Kimura sneered at Gojyo, "sucks to be you."

Gojyo groaned.

"Well, I'm broke." Kimura got up. "I'm going home."

"Me, too." Takahashi joined him.

Grif followed a couple minutes later, still rubbing his chin.

Soshi took a drink of his beer. "You're getting pretty good at this, kid."

Gojyo placed his elbows on the table and ran a hand through his long hair. "Not good enough."

Soshi's dark hair was short and shot with gray, and he didn't bother to hide the fact he was missing part of one of his long, tapered ears. His eyes were ice-blue, and he had a wealth of wrinkles. Gojyo figured the guy had lots of stories, but he kept his comments about himself brief.

"Hey, tell me, why do you do it, kid?"

Gojyo'd had enough of the "kid" bit. "Why do you, _old_ man?"

"Hmm, fair enough." Soshi smiled and took another drink. "I started playing cards because I wasn't good at much other than wandering from place to place. It's a pretty good profession for a wanderer."

Gojyo nodded. "Yeah, I've heard that before, and I can see how it would work."

"All right, now it's your turn for confession."

"I don't know how to do anything except …" Gojyo shrugged, "… except what street kids do to stay alive."

"Mmm, yeah." Soshi's voice dropped lower, and it had a cold edge to it. "I've been there and I didn't care for it."

Gojyo shrugged again. "Then you know why I play. I'd rather do this than that. I used to do better, before you showed up."

"Yeah?" Soshi chuckled and then picked up the deck, fingers of his right hand cutting and rejoining them with lightning quickness. "You know, I've been watching you for several months now, and I've noticed you've gotten much better. Did someone teach you how to count?"

"What do you mean? Like math?" Gojyo smiled, an automatic reaction whenever he thought about Kanan. "Someone's been teaching me how to add and subtract, shit like that. Yeah."

Soshi blinked and the cards paused their movements. "But no one has taught you how to count cards?"

"Nope. I don't know what that means." Gojyo chewed on his bottom lip. "There was a guy who taught me how to play, kind of a priest, but nothing about counting."

"A priest, huh? Must've been that trickster, Masato. Am I right?"

"You know him?"

"Yeah, I know him. I owed the bastard a favor, and he sent me here--told me there was a punk that needed a hand and I'd know him when I saw him." Soshi laughed. The old geezer looked and sounded evil as hell. "Now I finally get it."

"Why is that guy like that?"

"You mean Masato?" Soshi drained his beer. "Ah, well, I think he's trying to make up for some bad karma. He was quite a little prick in his youth."

Gojyo didn't ask, but he assumed Soshi and Masato had a long history. "But he's a Catholic. They don't believe in karma."

"Catholic. Right." Soshi laughed again and set the cards down. "Well, Gojyo, how would you like me to teach you how to count cards? You seem like you already have some natural ability, and I could show you how to make a living at playing cards. For a fee, of course."

"What fee?" Gojyo's eyes narrowed. The guy was old, but he wasn't hideous. If he could learn how to play cards better … Well, he'd done worse things for less. "I don't take guys home with me, you know. If what you say is true, I'll let you do me, but not at my place."

Soshi's mouth fell open for a moment, and then he smacked Gojyo on the back of his head. "I'm not asking for your ass, idiot, I'm asking for a percentage."

"A percentage? Oh." Gojyo rubbed the spot on his head; he was kind of embarrassed. "I thought …"

"Yeah, I know." Soshi shook his head. "I suppose you get that a lot; you are kind of a pretty boy. But I have someone now, and I don't do that shit anymore."

"I have someone, too. That's why I don't wanna--"

"Then don't." Soshi stared at him in challenge, his icy eyes sparkling. "How about we start next week?"

"Why would you teach me?"

Soshi tipped his head and smiled. "I'm done wandering, and I'm old enough now to start thinking about karma. Masato and me both. It’s the giving back of what you received--the wheel--or whatever you want to call it. Someone taught me when I was about your age. It seems right I would teach someone else. Understand?"

"Not really, no."

"I suppose you don't right now." Giving Gojyo a lopsided smiled, he added, "But someday you will."

"Whatever." Gojyo got up.

"See you here next week."

"Maybe."

He stepped outside into the warm night, thinking about Soshi's offer. Learning more about cards did appeal to him, and he knew already that he would be back. If he got a little better at gambling, he'd be totally self-sufficient.

In the meantime, he was out of options, and it looked as if there was only one sure way to keep the apartment for the next month. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, turned down an alleyway, and then ducked into a smoky, sleazy dive.

Several of the occupants watched him walk in, and their hungry, predatory eyes tracked his movements as he sat down at the bar. Gojyo didn't really want to do this. He hadn't been in the place in almost two years, but then, he hadn't been this desperate in that time. His empty stomach growled in agreement.

Fingertips trailed across his back, and he looked over his shoulder to see a tall, buxom, brown-haired woman. She draped her arms over him and whispered into his ear. "Hi, Gojyo. Have you changed your mind?"

"Hey, Mizumi," Gojyo smiled. "Yeah, I tried, but I just couldn't stay away."

"Oh, Gojyo, you are such a charmer. I've been hoping you'd show up. There's no one quite like you around." As she sat down next to him, her perfume wafted over him. She smelled of flowers, and he didn't think that was too bad. "What are you doing tonight?"

Tipping his head to one side and playing along with her game, feeling nothing inside--this was easy, and everyone won at this game. "I don't have any plans. What about you?"

Placing her hand on his thigh, she leaned against him. "What do you think? Wanna come home with me?"

He didn't really, but he needed this deal. He nodded. "Yep, I do. That is, if this will take care of rent for the next couple of weeks."

"Well." She touched his hair, twirling a red strand around a finger, "I think you'll have to owe me a couple. Mother is starting to get suspicious."

"I'll make it up to you." Gojyo could hope, anyway. Maybe he could ask Soshi for an advance because he didn't relish the idea of Mizumi demanding _payment_ when Kanan was in town. She was just mean enough to do that kind of thing. "Let's go."

They stepped out of the bar and into the clear night. Once they turned the corner and were away from the street traffic, she nudged him against a wall. "I can't wait, do me here," she panted and then kissed him.

Gojyo was ready for it, and he placed his arms around her, one holding her close and the other slipping under her dress. The clever girl wasn't wearing underwear, and his fingers slid against her wet folds. She was ready, all right. To get her back to the wall, he turned them both.

He pulled down his zip and freed his hard cock. His water sprite heritage was good for something because he was always ready. With practiced skill, he tore open a wrapper and rolled the condom into place. He'd pulled up Mizumi's skirt and lifted her legs, and he was about to enter her when he heard a familiar voice.

"Gojyo?"

Gojyo froze. Her voice was the one he dreamed about every night. He hadn't expected her for another week. He looked at her horrified expression, and then slowly lowered Mizumi's legs. His erection had disappeared, and he hastily removed the condom and stuffed himself back inside his pants, jamming the condom into his pocket in his embarrassment.

Their reunion wasn't supposed to happen like this.

Mizumi pushed down her dress. "Gojyo, who's that?"

"Go home, Mizumi."

"What? But I thought …"

His voice was stern this time. "Go home."

Mizumi started to protest, and then her head swiveled from Gojyo to Kanan and her flowing tears. "Oh, I'll see you later, then. You still owe me, Gojyo, remember that!"

Left alone, he and Kanan stood and stared at each other. He didn't think it was possible, but her tear-filled eyes were a more vibrant green. They seemed to shimmer with her pain. He'd hurt her, made her cry, and wrecked the only good thing he'd ever known in his life. His stomach lurched, and he thought he might throw up.

"Kanan--"

"She's the landlady's daughter, isn't she?"

Gojyo nodded.

"What is she to you?"

"She's just a …" What could he say? She was an act of desperation? A way for them to keep her apartment? A casual fuck? He opted for the truth. "… she's nobody."

"But you sleep with her?"

"Yeah. Sometimes." Gojyo sat down on a nearby retaining wall and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. Now Kanan knew what a piece of shit he really was.

"Why? For money?"

His throat constricted, and he couldn't speak. She'd hate him for sure now.

"I thought you didn't do _that_ for money. Why?" She stood over him, and her voice sharp with anger. "Why?!"

He looked up at her, watching her good-guy image of him shatter. Her anger and disappointment cut him, and it wasn't fair. He was doing the best he could for them both, but he had to do it all alone. Gojyo felt his own anger building in response and lashed out, wanting to hurt her the way she'd hurt him.

"Because it was the only way I knew to keep _your_ apartment." His words echoed through the empty street, accusation and blame reverberating through the night air. _Shit_. Gojyo hadn't meant that.

She took a step back as if he'd struck her. "You could've worked at something legit."

"Like what?" Shaking his head in disgust at himself, his situation, and her naïveté, he spoke softly. "You know what I am, and you've had a taste of it yourself. Every job I've ever had has ended in disaster for the people who hired me. I'm a thief, a whore, and a scam artist, and that's all I'll ever be. I could barely read before you came along. Yeah, I know a lot of things, but I'm good at nothing."

"Gojyo–"

Helpless sadness filled him. "Up until now, I've tried to hide what I am and be something different. You've never asked what I did to survive, and now you know. I'm sorry for being ... what I am." He stood up and walked away.

"Wait!"

Gojyo kept walking, wanting to get some distance between them so he could cool off. He'd probably never see her again anyway, so what difference did it make? He stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"I said," she shouted at him as she grabbed his arm, "wait!"

"Why don't you just let me go?" His heart felt heavy, as if every beat took enormous effort. "Be rid of me for good? That would be the simplest thing."

"Maybe, but no. Not yet." Her tears came faster now, her shoulders shook, and she was having a hard time talking over her sobs. Her reaction was horrible to watch. She clung to him. "Not yet … Th-that's not what I wa-want. Please do-don't leave, Gojyo."

What else could he do? He wrapped his arms around her and let her cry. She felt so good and perfect next to him. Gojyo nuzzled at her hair, inhaled her clean scent, and let his frustration go. They had no future, and he couldn't offer her anything, but if she wanted to keep seeing him, even after everything, he would do whatever he could to make that happen.

When her shaking subsided, he asked, "What do you want from me?"

She sighed and gazed up at him. "I know this is a little unfair, and I don't expect you to wait for me while I'm gone, but when I'm here, could you …" She glanced away and tears filled her eyes again.

"Yeah." He nodded. "While you're here, it'll be just you. That's always the way it is, and it always has been, you know. You're early this time."

She laughed. It was a bitter sound. "I know. I wanted to surprise you."

He rolled his eyes. "Well, you definitely did that."

"Sorry."

"Yeah. Me too." It was nothing more than simple facts, but the words hurt to say. The pain seemed to go deeper than the simple exchange that had just happened. Sadness was all they were headed for now. But he wouldn't stop it--like Kanan said--not yet.

"Gojyo?"

He looked down at her.

"I know we can't promise each other anything, but will you still take me home?"

"Yeah."

Later, in their apartment and in the cooling aftermath of their lovemaking, Gojyo thought about what had just happened. She was different. Her body's movements were nearly the same, but he could tell--her rhythm was just a little slower now. Her smell was different now, too, spicier and sexier.

Gojyo knew there was definitely some other lover in Kanan's life. No wonder she had made the comment about no promises, and no wonder she hadn't been angrier about Mizumi.

He was confused. Why did she come back if there was another man? Maybe she was just experimenting. No, he knew that wasn't true. Kanan wasn't like that; she wouldn't sleep with random guys. Whoever it was, Gojyo knew the guy was important to her.

Surprisingly, the knowledge didn't hurt the way he thought it would. He actually felt some relief over it. She wasn't alone, and she didn't seem unhappy. She was a little twitchy, but he just put that down to their prolonged separation and the ugly scene with Mizumi.

Still, why had she come back? He wanted to ask her, but he was afraid his question would come out sounding like an accusation. They were still a little tense, and he certainly didn't have the high ground at the moment. Instead, he changed the subject. "How's your brother?"

"What?" She answered his question with two questions. "Why?"

Her panicky reaction puzzled Gojyo. "What do you mean, 'why'? I just asked about your brother. Are you guys still seeing each other at school?"

"Um, yeah." She sat up and pulled the sheet around her. Then she laughed a little. "What do you want to do tomorrow?"

"Hey, what's going on? You're acting a little weird."

"Nothing's going on. Nothing at all." She got up. "I'm going to take a shower now."

He watched her leave the room. Apparently, she was still mad about Mizumi. Maybe. He chewed on his bottom lip. Well, he knew one way to make her forget her anger. Or whatever it was that was making her tense.

Gojyo got up and followed her into the shower.

***


	9. Part 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right. Breathe. We're almost done.
> 
> This chapter was hard, and it had more edits than anything else, but I think it turned out all right

Gojyo was seventeen, and this time when Kanan came to visit, it was near the end of summer. She was visiting for an extended break, and while Gojyo was cautious after her previous visit, he was hopeful, too. He'd been studying hard, both her infrequent lessons and Soshi's. This time when they met, he would ask her to stay.

Cards were good to him, and there was a very good chance that--even with Soshi's cut--Gojyo could support himself and Kanan with his gambling. He was already doing fine for himself.

All right, so maybe card playing wasn't the most glorious of professions, but it beat prostitution, bodyguard work, and drug-running by a mile.

Gojyo still went home with the occasional woman, but that was more to scratch an itch than to feed himself. He was part water sprite, after all. However, in anticipation of Kanan's visit, Gojyo hadn't slept with anyone in over a month--almost two. And once Kanan came back, the he'd no longer have a need for other partners.

The freedom Gojyo had now was one of the best things he'd ever experienced. Reliance on the ever-increasingly absent Banri was now a thing of the past. Gojyo took care of himself with the money he made through card playing. He could buy clothes and food instead of stealing them, he could read and do math, and thanks to Kanan, he was certainly smarter now. Most of all, he could look people in the eye now, and he liked that.

Leaning against one of the market buildings, he waited for her with growing anticipation.

A woman approached him, and even from a distance, he knew it was Kanan. Gojyo could feel a confidence radiating from her, and even though they'd known each other for two years, he felt as if he was seeing her for the first time. Her legs were longer, her hips rounder, and her face had thinned, making her cheekbones more prominent and her eyes even more stunning. She'd changed, leaving any telltale signs of childhood behind. Heads turned to follow her, reaffirming his opinion that she was definitely a woman now.

Gojyo was happy to see her at first, but when she got a little closer, he could tell by her walk and the determined look in her eyes what was coming. Part of him had been expecting it since their first kiss by the river, and now he knew. This was her final visit.

Instead of rushing right to Kanan's apartment like they normally would have, she wanted to take a walk by the river. In the warm evening air, Gojyo could hear the cicadas with their non-stop song and smell the marshy edges of the river. His feet seemed heavy as she talked continuously, telling him about school and her botany lessons--pure small talk, filler speak until she was ready to break the news to him.

He took her to the Tangs' restaurant for dinner, more because they wanted to see her than because he was hungry. They cheered for her news about school and then told her about Gojyo saving them and their restaurant. Kanan was surprised because he'd never told her about that. As he sat there and listened to Kanan and Mrs. Tang talk, he realized there were many things she didn't know about him now. And probably more that he didn't know about her. They'd become strangers, and it seemed they would stay that way.

Gojyo picked at his food as Mrs. Tang fretted over his lack of appetite, certain he was sick. The truth was, if he'd managed to choke anything down, chances were good it wouldn't have stayed there. When he watched Kanan ignore her food and pluck nervously at her napkin, his stomach churned. Every moment they spent at the restaurant was painful.

After dinner and during their walk home, Kanan continued her constant chatter, talking about nothing in order to avoid the inevitable, until Gojyo couldn't take it anymore.

"Kanan," he sighed tiredly, "please stop trying so hard. Just tell me you're not coming back and get it over with, okay?"

She stopped and faced him. "You knew?"

"Yeah. Since you showed up."

She shook her head. "I should've known. You've always read me better than anyone."

Kanan was already speaking of him in past tense. He scratched at an eyebrow, oddly proud of himself for understanding what _past tense_ was. She was responsible for that; she'd made him a better person.

And now, it was over.

Reaching for his hand, she said, "Come on, I have something I have to tell you."

In her apartment, they sat at the small table, the same place where she'd given him those first reading lessons, driving him crazy with her smell and her shy innuendos. Gojyo didn't know what to do or how to react. Kanan had been his first and only love--could he say goodbye and let go? He didn't believe it was possible.

Kanan hadn't let go of his hand, and now she squeezed her fingers. "Gojyo, you have to know that it's not you."

"Oh, really? Please give me a little credit and save me from the tired old break-up lines." He felt the bitterness in his words, but he didn't feel any desire to soften it. "I'm not that much of a pathetic sap."

"No!" She swallowed hard, and he could see her blinking back tears. "That's not it. I had to tell you, face to face, because I know you. Somehow, you'd blame yourself and decide it was because of something you did or didn't do. That couldn't be further from the truth, Gojyo." Tears did flow now. "I picked him because … there just isn't a choice. You are stronger."

"What?" He blinked at her, trying to make sense of her words.

"That's the simple truth, Gojyo. You probably don't believe me, but I've never lied to you. Not about things that really mattered and not about my feelings for you." Her features twisted in grief. "You'll survive this and go on, but he … needs me more."

That's when Gojyo knew who the other man was. The one person Kanan would sacrifice the rest of the world for, even herself. Suddenly, several uncomfortable conversations they'd had during her last visit made much more sense.

Kanan was in love with her brother.

The fact that it was incestuous didn't really bother Gojyo. After all, he'd spent a large part of his early life jealous of his brother's incestuous relationship with their cruel mother. The truth of it was, no matter how hard he fought, he'd lose.

She'd fallen into Gojyo's lap while searching for her brother. She'd walked away from shelter and safety more than once to find him. Now she'd abandon Gojyo for him, too. Gojyo felt the familiar sting of helplessness wash over him, quickly followed by envy and fury at a nameless, faceless, green-eyed man. He wanted to shout and ask her how she could do such a horrible thing to him, to _them_.

But he didn't. He didn't want their last meeting to end in anger and pain.

She was being honest with him. Now, he'd do her the same favor. "I don't want you to go." He took her hand in both of his and stared into her eyes. "Kanan, please stay with me."

"Gojyo, please don't … you know I can't leave him."

"I want you to stay with me. Always." He squeezed her hand one last time, but he could feel her shaking. He let go, understanding that nothing he said would make any difference and knowing that all he would accomplish was to make them both feel worse than they already did. "But you already knew I wanted you to stay, didn't you?"

"Yes." Her voice cracked as she choked back a sob. "I knew. Oh God, this is so hard, and I wish I could …"

"Does he treat you well?" The words were thick and difficult to get out. He looked away from her, unable to see any more of her pain and feeling as if his heart might explode. "Does he love you?"

"Yes." She was openly crying now, tears springing from her eyes as she blinked. "And yes."

One more. His voice cracked with emotion as he forced the question through his constricting throat, "And you. Do you love him?"

"In some ways, very much so." She rubbed impatiently at her tears, and then stared at Gojyo. Understanding flickered in her eyes. "Oh, my God, you know who he is, don't you?"

Gojyo nodded. "Yeah."

"What you must think … this is such a mess." She slid to her knees on the floor in front of him and took his hands.

"Then you have to know, you have to understand, that he's the only one who could take me from you. Please tell me you know that." She stared up at him, those mesmerizing eyes pleading with him and piercing his heart.

"I know." He believed her. He had to. If he didn't, he was afraid he would lose it. "Yeah, I know."

Kanan's lover/brother loved her, and she loved him in return. Gojyo knew there were far more painful reasons for her to leave him than because she'd found another love. At least it wasn't because he was taboo or because he was a punk. It was a small consolation, and he clung to it with all his might. Her reason didn't help now, but it might later.

He sat back in his chair as she dashed away her tears. Gojyo stuffed his hurt and his devastation into a corner of his mind with all the other bad things he'd suffered through in his life. In a blink of an eye, he dropped his poker face into place and turned into the superficial, untouchable creature he was most of the time now: charming and unreadable--a card player.

Gojyo relaxed his shoulders and smiled at her. "Well, we have tonight, right?"

As she watched him, Kanan's breath caught, and then her voice cracked as she said, "Oh, don't, Gojyo …" For a moment, he thought she was going to start crying again, but instead, she blinked furiously and then sat up taller, giving him a sad smile. "Yes. We have tonight."

He stood up and offered her his hand.

She took it and rose to her feet. "But I do have one final favor to ask, if you wouldn't mind."

"Whatever you want." He meant it, because he would do anything for her.

 

In the morning, he was awake when she got up and dressed, but he pretended to still be asleep. They'd said all they needed to say--all they could say--with whispers and sighs and bittersweet caresses. Words were useless now and would only rip the wound wider for both of them.

He held his pretense even when she leaned over him and told him she loved him one last time, her tears falling on his cheek. He wanted to grab her, to stop her, and to keep her for himself, but he knew that wouldn't work and would only prolong their suffering. Instead, he let her go, hearing the catch of the door latch and the diminishing sounds of her footsteps on the stairs. He opened his eyes and breathed for several minutes, concentrating on a ceiling that needed a paint job while trying to hold the pieces of his heart together.

Then his concentration broke, and for the first time in many years, he cried.

When evening came, he managed to stumble into Banri's ramshackle little house. He couldn't be alone any longer or he'd go crazy. Even _with_ someone else around, he wasn't certain he'd be able to maintain any kind of coherent thought.

Banri took one look at him and then turned to Grif. "Yo, dumbass. Go get us booze and a lot of it. S'more smokes, too."

"Why?"

"Just go, dumbfuck." Banri watched Grif leave. And then shouted after him, "Bring back some girls too, if you can."

Gojyo fell into a chair.

Banri studied him. "Dude, are ya okay? Ya look like shit."

Gojyo tried to find words, but he didn't know where to start. Besides, what could he possibly say to Banri that wouldn't end in ridicule? "Yeah, man, I'm fine. I think I just ate something that didn't agree with me."

"Well, hell!" Branri grinned at him and poured a large glass of whiskey. Handing it to Gojyo, he said, "Why didn't ya say so? A little of this will fix ya right up."

Nodding, Gojyo grasped the glass and took a long drink. Normally, he didn't really drink to excess, but tonight, it seemed appropriate. The burn in his throat felt right, and his subsequent coughing hid the tears that threatened to break free again. He threw back his head and drained the glass, welcoming the numbness spreading throughout his nerve-endings.

Banri laughed. "Look at ya go! Ya act like a guy that has a broken heart."

"Shut up, Banri!" Gojyo chucked his glass with all his might. It slammed into a wall, glass exploding and tinkling musically as it fell to the floor.

"Whoa, just chill, man. I know all about it, yer face says it all." Banri poured more whiskey into a new glass and handed it to Gojyo before refilling his own. "I take it she's not coming back this time, is she?"

Gojyo blinked his stinging eyes. "No."

Banri's voice was unnervingly soft and quiet. "Aww, shit, that sucks, dude. I'm sorry." Then he shrugged as if embarrassed and lit a cigarette. He fidgeted with the matches before he added, "I told ya she'd be bad news. The good ones always leave guys like us, and ya can't blame them, can ya? I mean, shit, what can we give 'em?"

Gojyo gagged on another large swig of whiskey and nodded. Banri was a freaking genius. Gojyo should have listened to him from the beginning. "Yeah."

"So what do ya do now? First things first, man. Get drunk, smoke, fuck, and then move out of that apartment. It'll only depress ya if ya stay there." Banri handed Gojyo a cigarette and lit another match.

Gojyo leaned in, staring at the burning paper and tobacco. The red cherry seemed to call to him, and finally he placed it to his lips and took a drag. Then he coughed. A lot. It tasted nasty, like smoldering twigs singeing his throat and catching his lungs on fire, but he kept at it. What did he care anymore? Each toke was a second off his life. He inhaled more deeply and ended in a coughing fit.

"After the party tonight, we'll move ya out." Banri gave him a grin and slapped him on his back. "You'll move in here; we'll have a blast."

Gojyo inhaled again, starting to get accustomed to the searing burn and the fact that his skull felt like it was floating. He was dizzy and nauseated as hell, well, _so what_. "Yeah. That sounds good."

"Fuckin' right it sounds good!" Holding up his glass as a signal for a toast, Banri nodded at Gojyo to do the same. When Gojyo lifted his glass, Banri said, "To the good girls; they really know how ta fuckin' rip out our hearts."

Gojyo felt his eyes burn with more tears, but somehow, they never spilled over. "Yeah. Maybe someday you’ll tell me _your_ story."

Banri stared at him, a hard look full of sadness and anger. He took a long drag from his cigarette and then raised his glass again. "Maybe."

But he never did.

***

Gojyo had a good streak going, but he just wasn't into it tonight. The girls and cards were more than obliging, but he felt a burning need to be somewhere else. He gathered up his winnings, threw his jacket over his shoulder, and stepped out into the warm, humid air of the summer evening. Gojyo looked up at the heavy clouds filling the sky, knowing it would rain soon.

He was nineteen now, and while he recognized his melancholy mood, it had been a long time since he'd experienced it. Without fail, he always felt like this when he thought about Kanan. He cut his evening short and made his way home, thinking back to his time with his one and only lover. Gojyo had been so happy with her, and now he was beginning to think that was the only happiness he might ever have.

When Kanan had first left, Gojyo hadn't been able to imagine life going on normally, but it had. He continued to wake up every day. He still got hungry and had to eat, and he still had to get money to do that. Gojyo'd managed to show up to play poker a week after she'd left, and to his surprise and annoyance, the group had treated him as they always did. He stumbled through life for a month or so, dropping several pounds and forgetting to shower until Soshi got on him for being a baby.

Over the next couple of years, other things in Gojyo's had life changed. Not long after Kanan's last visit, Tero died. They'd come to consider Tero as their mascot, but the little guy had never recovered from whatever horrible thing had happened to him. One night, he went to sleep in his corner like he'd always done, and he just never woke up again. Gojyo felt that Tero's death was appropriate; there were worse ways to go other than doing something you loved.

Shortly after that, their small gang had disbanded naturally. Once they'd reached a certain age, it seemed a little silly to continue anyway. Banri had disappeared once again after a stupid attempt to extort someone of importance.

And just as the old fortune-teller had seen in her vision, Grif met his end in a bar fight, a victim of his own big mouth. Gojyo had been there that night and held his friend's hand as the former big guy took his last bloody breath. Burying his friends had gotten old fast.

Finally, in spite of his lectures about settling down, the wandering bug had once again bitten Soshi, and he'd left in a rush last summer. Of course, Masato had shown up, and Gojyo thought that had a lot to do with his poker instructor's hasty departure. Gojyo envied that friendship.

But overall, Gojyo didn't really miss them any of them. The only person he ever missed was Kanan.

Soshi had taught Gojyo card playing well enough to make it his sole source of income. Later, Gojyo had turned Banri's house into his own and--except for the very rare occasion when he brought home a girl or two--it stayed empty and quiet. He still preferred not to bring people home, and because his partners were always temporary, he usually stayed with them or rented a room instead.

He still smoked--in fact, he now he smoked like a chimney, each drag another few seconds off his life, and he was okay with that. Life was easy for him now. Too easy and far too boring.

The sky opened up, and warm summer rain came down in sheets. He thought of Kanan in the rain, her dress clinging to her like a second skin and her glorious chestnut hair sticking to her cheek and arms. He remembered taking off her sodden dress and making long, slow love to her underneath the weeping skies. The taste of her skin covered in rainwater was a flavor he'd never forget, and her gentle moans mingling with the sound of raindrops on leaves lived on in his dreams.

He still loved the rain because of her.

Initially after she'd left, he couldn't even consider what she'd told him. Every day, Gojyo kept up hope that she'd return and tell him she'd made a terrible mistake. He'd even had crazy dreams about it for a while.

Then, after a bit of time passed, he actually got angry with her. It wasn't the general badmouthing anger that Banri would spew; it was deeper and more private, like a poisoned wound growing bigger everyday. Gojyo was angry with Kanan's brother for taking her away, and angry with her for leaving. At one point, he'd decided he would go find and have it out with her brother, but then he received her final letter.

He'd only read it once, but it was still burned in his memory.

 

 _Dearest Gojyo,_

 _I hope my letter finds you happy and well._

 _I think of you daily and wonder if you are continuing to expand your knowledge. None of us ever quit learning, you know._

 _I wanted you to know that Gonou and I have left school. We've relocated to a town where no one knows us and there are no churches, priests, or nuns. I'm working at a small flower shop, and Gonou is teaching at a nearby school. The locals haven't entirely warmed up to me as of yet; they are a rather cautious lot. I am optimistic that if I channel a bit of you, I can win them over._

 _I'm truly happy, Gojyo, far more than I ever thought possible. Gonou is a kind man and he treats me very well. We are quite content, and I know this is where I'm supposed to be. My only regret in this choice, strange as it is, was hurting you._

 _I know you--you are getting on with your life because that's the kind of man you are. You are strong and amazing, and I know you will find and bring happiness wherever you go._

 _I am happy, though I know I will always miss you._

 _All the best, forever more._

 _Kanan_

 

Her letter had taken what little hope he'd had left, but he'd kept his poisonous anger. Once again, he quit eating and took drinking and whoring to a new extreme, doing exactly the opposite of what she "knew" he would do. His grief turned him into a walking skeleton, and he did it just to make a point, just to prove her wrong, just to … die, maybe.

Strangely enough, what finally shook him out of his downward spiral was a one-sided conversation from one of his nightly conquests. Without knowing the story, Suzu--yeah, that was her name--observed that the girl who'd broken Sha Gojyo's heart should be ashamed of herself for making such an emo mess of him.

He was an emo mess?

Gojyo was horrified and embarrassed when he heard the words. Kanan had given him so much. She'd taken a half-breed punk, educated him, loved him, and turned him into something else. Somehow, pissing away the skills Kanan had given him with patience and love seemed disrespectful. Yes, she'd left him, but that wasn't a reason to roll over and die. Her memory deserved better, and he decided he would try to be more worthy of her.

 _You are stronger._

The following night, fresh from a shower, dressed in a new gray silk shirt, and painfully sober, Gojyo said his last goodbye. Next to the river, on the same spot where he and Kanan had shared their first kiss, he lit a small pile of kindling and built it up until it was a healthy blaze. Into the hungry flames, he tossed everything he still had that reminded him of Kanan. Notes, clothing, hair bands, a spool of thread, and even the basket she'd used to carry flowers. The last thing to be fed to the flames was her final letter.

While he watched the fire consume what had been the best part of his life, he felt tears threaten to spill from his eyes. But somehow, he held them at bay. He wouldn't grieve for her anymore; he would grant her final wish: he'd be strong, get on with his life.

Gojyo sat by the fire until it died, watching the full, yellow moon drift through the night sky, and remembered the happy times as he waited for the end. When there was nothing left, he scooped up the ashes and tossed them into the river. He watched the gray remains of his memories with Kanan swirl around in the bright moon's reflection in the slow-moving water.

After all, sorrow always floats.

Once the last of the ash disappeared on the gentle current, he whispered his final goodbye, turned away, and left.

With time, he had reached a point where he didn't think about her every day, but on days like today, with the summer rain just so, well …

She was gone for good this time. Gojyo hadn't seen her in two years, but he still missed her as if she'd left yesterday. She'd chosen another man over him, but even so, and in spite of his pledge to the opposite, he nurtured a small hope in his heart that someday he'd come home and find her waiting at his front door again.

Instead, what he found today was a dead guy blocking the pathway. At least, Gojyo thought he was dead. He lifted his foot and nudged at the stiff. "Hey! Are you dead?"

There was a soft groan and then a stirring from the blood-soaked corpse. A dark-haired head raised, and youkai power-limiters glinting in the low light. Gojyo saw all of that, but what he concentrated on was the not-quite-dead guy's eyes.

They were the bright green of a lush forest, and they practically glowed in the low, gloomy light of the rainy night.

Gojyo wasn't certain it was _him_ at first; after all, the guy he'd inexplicably brought home was a youkai. Kanan wasn't a youkai, so why would her twin brother be one? Then, as he stayed by the wounded guy's side and nursed him through his nightmare-filled fever dreams, Gojyo heard her name, saw the anguish, and managed to piece it together.

During Gonou's delirium, Gojyo grieved anew for Kanan. Sitting near the bed, he would hold Gonou's trembling hands and hear the story again, the pleas for help and the rage when none came. She was dead, and her brother and lover had traded his humanity and nearly his life in a bloody attempt to save her. Gojyo knew he would have done the same. He might not have made it as far, but he would have tried. They had that much in common.

In the end, though, after everything Gonou had done to reach her, when he'd finally found her, she had … Gojyo didn't appreciate knowing what she'd done, and for the first time since he'd practically stepped on Gonou, he felt sympathy for the guy.

Even so, keeping the wounded man in his house was strange for Gojyo. He hadn't figured out why he hadn't let him die on the path or at least taken him to a local hospital. Gonou had stripped Gojyo of the one good thing that he'd ever had, and taking care of him defied logic. But every time he questioned what he was doing, Kanan would return to his thoughts. If he could, and in spite of how he felt, Gojyo would save Kanan's sad and broken brother. She'd want Gonou to live, and Gojyo would do it for her.

 _You are stronger._

He didn't feel stronger; he felt petty and weak, but even so, he took care of Gonou. Because even now, after all that had happened, he would still do anything for her.

Then Gonou regained consciousness, and something else happened. Gojyo found out that in spite of how he should've felt, he really liked the guy. In fact, in an unreasonably short amount of time, Gojyo's feelings for Gonou shifted and changed. His roommate ceased to be Kanan's brother and quickly became just Gonou.

Gonou made the little house feel like a home. Before, even when it had been bulging at the seams with people, it had never felt more than a place to party or crash. But with Gonou living there, the place had lost that lonely feeling, and now it was _clean_ , even the floors. Eventually, it even lost the lingering remnants of the smell Kanan had always found so repulsive.

He knew he shouldn't compare; they were siblings after all, but they were they only people he'd ever been in love with. A comparison was inevitable, right? Although, when he got right down to it, they were very different. About the only thing they shared was the need for vengeance, and Gojyo just chalked that up to a Cho family trait.

The way he felt about each of them was so completely different it was hard to believe it was the same emotion. With Kanan there'd been those nasty fights and the blood-drawing make-up sex, and with Gonou there was … hot tea and someone who would listen. Was it really the same thing? Kanan had challenged him, made him want to be a better person. Gonou made him … comfortable with himself. There were times when Kanan had made him nervous and fearful, but he'd never felt that with Gonou.

Well, except when Gojyo thought the surly monk had taken Gonou to his death. That had been a rough time.

Gojyo felt a closeness with Gonou, a quiet calm, almost from the start that he'd never experienced before, not even with Kanan. It was a weird feeling--almost as if they'd known each other for an eternity.

And after Gojyo got past his initial denial of what Gonou—and later, Hakkai--meant to him, their lives fell into an easy rhythm. Gojyo still had his cards and booze, could still hook up with the occasional woman when he wanted to, and there were no promises to break. What did it matter if he always closed his eyes and imagined that the girl was Hakkai? That was a small concession if it meant keeping the best thing he'd ever had.

Most nights, though, he preferred to come home after a night of gambling. He never thought a clean house, good food, and drinking tea with Hakkai would be better than going home with some chick.

But it was better.

Oddly enough, although he was strongly attracted to Hakkai, he hadn't tried to seduce him. Gojyo thought that might have been a first for him. Of course, there was the risk that Hakkai could physically hurt Gojyo, turning any possible romantic advances into the equivalent of a relationship castration. But then, if Hakkai did refuse him, chances were good that he probably wouldn't embarrass Gojyo like that.

Maybe. He really couldn't be sure about what Hakkai might do. That was one of his many appealing qualities. Yet, it wasn't embarrassment or fear of a beat-down that made Gojyo afraid to approach Hakkai. The real issue was Kanan.

They had both loved her. Gojyo thought it was strange how their lives had intertwined; it was almost as if they'd been destined for one another from the start.

Even so, he'd never told Hakkai about Kanan. He wasn't much for talking about his past anyway, because when he was done with it, he rarely looked back. Sure, he remembered the feelings he'd had for Kanan, but those memories were for him and him alone. Spoken words would dilute his experiences and make them nothing more than cheap shadows. Besides, everything got messy when you did stuff like that.

Although, when it came to sharing his feelings about Kanan, Gojyo doubted his friend would feel the same way. He didn't even know how to start the conversation, but if their relationship went further than friendship, Gojyo promised himself that the entire truth about Kanan would need telling.

And that was why he'd never come on to Hakkai--it was all about avoidance. In spite of nights he lain awake next to his friend just to hear him breathe, in spite of sniffing Hakkai's clothes when no one was looking, and in spite of his frequent wet dreams with Hakkai as the star, he'd never acted on his desire. Besides, he liked where things stood with Hakkai. He was comfortable.

That is, if by comfortable he meant "sexually frustrated."

All right, if Gojyo was honest with himself, he really did want more of Hakkai. And yeah, maybe the clothes-sniffing thing should have tipped him off, but at this point, he was pretty sure avoidance and fear had skewed his logic. Not to mention the fact that he was a big chicken.

For a while, Gojyo hoped they could maintain their relationship as friends. Sure, he dreamed about sleeping with Hakkai, but Gojyo was never one to force his affections on someone else. While Hakkai was content with being friends, they were safe. But then, Gojyo could see his roommate's attitude toward him start to change, and there were times he caught Hakkai watching him. He knew he would not be able to resist if Hakkai ever pressed the issue. Gojyo had even started to bring it up a time or two, but then he would remember Kanan.

It started to feel like every day contained an element of danger for Gojyo. Their relationship was getting more intense, and every day there was the risk of crossing the line from friends to lovers. Every day he worried that he might ruin what he had because Hakkai had found out about Kanan from someone other than him. Every day, Gojyo promised himself today was the day he would sit Hakkai down and tell him. And every day, he would talk himself out of it. Already there'd been hundreds of perfect moments and an equal number of missed opportunities.

Ironically, Kanan had inadvertently brought them together and, at the same time, her memory was what kept them apart.

When the day finally came, Gojyo wasn't very surprised. They'd been sitting in their room after several days of travel, having tea and discussing how much more they enjoyed sparing with Kougaijii's bunch over dealing with Hazel. Gojyo'd been politely laughing over one of his roommate's corny jokes when suddenly, Hakkai had leaned over and kissed him.

Although his heart was banging in his chest, Gojyo hadn't responded to the kiss. He'd simply made some lame excuse, bashed his knee on the table as he stood up, and walked out the door. Outside their room, he'd let the panic and fear wash over him in waves and he'd slumped against a wall.

 _Kanan. Hakkai._ Standing in the hall, still reeling from Hakkai's kiss, he tried to remember why he'd decided he had to tell. _Why_? He'd tried to talk himself out of it right then and there. Gojyo even took two steps back toward the room while he considered that Hakkai might never find out. But he didn't believe that for a second. Hakkai _would_ find out, and when he did, how would he react to a Gojyo who hadn't been honest with him?

Gojyo shivered. He _knew_ how Hakkai would react.

 _Hakkai. Kanan._ He had to tell. If he didn't, there would always be that secret--what did Hakkai call it?--oh yeah, lying by omission. Fucking Hakkai. He loved the crazy, psycho bastard with all his heart, possibly even more than he'd loved Kanan.

Maybe that old crackpot fortune-teller had been right that day, so long ago, at the Ox festival. Hadn't she said the one he would love hadn't arrived yet? Of course, he'd also been high as a kite at the time so she might have said something completely different.

Gojyo'd pushed away from the wall then, stumbling toward the stairs and running smack into Sanzo.

"Dumbass kappa," Sanzo growled as he recovered from nearly falling backwards down the stairwell.

"That's what you get for sneaking up on people, shitty monk."

Sanzo stared at him and then glanced at his and Hakkai's room door. Narrowing his eyes, he glared at Gojyo and asked, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Nothing. What's it matter to you, anyway?" Gojyo scowled and pushed passed the surly bastard . "I need a drink."

"Tch."

Gojyo could feel Sanzo's eyes on him as he stomped down the stairs and into the bar. He was still there drinking when Sanzo showed up two hours later.

***


	10. Epilogue

Sometime during the last hour, the thunder had stopped, but Gojyo could hear the steady sound of the rain outside as it pinged ceaselessly against something metal. Fucking rain--he hated it now almost as much as Hakkai did-- _because_ of Hakkai.

Gojyo had told Hakkai everything in a matter of a couple of hours or so. Well, _almost_ everything. He'd skirted around the sexy bits and only lightly touched on the dead priests and the ruined flower shop. The rest of it, he'd told, and most of it in much more detail than he probably should have. Gojyo was shocked that something so vast, life-changing, and painful would take such a short time to retell. Somehow, he felt like that made his time with Kanan seem less significant.

Hakkai studied him through the dim light in their room. Gojyo wondered if somewhere, high above, the clouds might finally be thinning, but he wasn't sure a break from the rain would help him now. Hakkai's mask of friendliness was gone, replaced by something far more frightening: his blank stare.

"Hakkai?" Gojyo tried to swallow, but his mouth was so dry the booze and talking. He'd gambled everything with this hand, and he was hoping that he wouldn't lose. There was even Sanzo's observation that Hakkai probably already knew, that should have tipped the scales in his favor.

"Talk to me, man."

"I'm not certain what to say, Gojyo." There was no false politeness in Hakkai's voice, and for once, he'd left out his backhanded apology. Gojyo didn't know what plain-speak from Hakkai meant--not in this situation, anyway.

"Now you know why I had to tell you before … well, _before_." Gojyo played with his pack of cigarettes, but he didn't have the energy to light one yet, and smoking would be torture to his dry throat. "I thought you might …"

Gojyo glanced over; Hakkai remained unmoving and unreadable. Did he really not know?

"Well … when I brought you home that first night, I thought you might be her brother. Later on, when I knew for certain, I lied to myself about it. But I can't do it anymore, especially if we're … more than friends."

Hakkai had the most irritating look on his face; it was almost _smug_. "I admire the fact you've managed to keep it to yourself so long, but then again, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You don't speak of your past much, and when it does come up, you always direct the conversation away from yourself."

Gojyo tried not to think about how much like Kanan Hakkai had just sounded. "Who could I tell? _Banri_? Although he did get it–I guess--it wasn't like I could sit around and talk to him about it. Not like this. If I had, he'd have made _comments_ , and then I probably would've had to kill him."

"Yes. I can sympathize with that sentiment," Hakkai agreed with a scowl.

Gojyo felt the corners of his mouth creep upward in a smile. He knew Hakkai hadn't found much use for Banri, but he tried to ignore the remark all the same. Now was _not_ the time for him to smile. "The only other person who would've cared about it was you. Considering the circumstances that brought us together, I don't think keeping it to myself was unreasonable."

There was a tense silence in the room, and Gojyo held his breath. Then Hakkai did something Gojyo never expected. He started to laugh. Hakkai never laughed like this: out-of-control, out-of-breath, and near-hysterical. Gojyo watched in stunned silence as tears of pure mirth--or maybe insanity--rolled down Hakkai's face.

Fleetingly, Gojyo wondered if this was what the people in Hyakugen Maoh's stronghold had seen just before Cho Gonou cut their throats. He shivered. Kanan was sacred ground, and now he had muddied it …

"At first, I also wasn't certain." Hakkai wiped away his tears. "But I've known for quite some time. I assumed you knew that I knew. Yet all this time you've been … Oh, Gojyo, I apologize for making you worry."

Gojyo blinked. "What? So you _did_ know?"

Hakkai nodded. "Yes. Mrs. Tang told me, long ago."

Gojyo had forgotten about the feisty old lady. Of course, she knew about Gojyo's relationship with Kanan, but Mrs. Tang couldn't have known about the connection between Kanan and Hakkai. Something didn't add up.

"Why would Mrs. Tang tell you?"

"I was in there one day when it was particularly slow. When I mentioned your name, she sat down and had tea with me."

"But … you don't even know her. Do you?"

"The town wasn't that big, and I was …" Hakkai waved a hand in the air while he searched for the right word, "… _prying_ into your life. I wanted to satisfy my curiosity about you, and I'd heard that you were close to the Tangs. Mrs. Tang was quite happy to talk about you. Eventually, our discussion turned to your past relationship with a sweet, but somewhat troubled, young girl named Kanan."

"Oh." Gojyo rubbed his forehead, grappling with the discovery that Hakkai already knew. "Right. My past love life just _happened_ to come up in the conversation, did it?"

Hakkai smoothed out his sleeve, not making eye contact as he said, "Well, I suppose I did ask if you'd ever been serious about anyone."

"You could have just asked me, you know."

Hakkai raised an eyebrow. "Ah, but would you have answered? Or would you have skillfully sidestepped the question and changed the subject? You're very good at avoiding things when you want to."

Gojyo wasn't certain how he felt about Hakkai snooping through his life. Part of him got a little thrill out of it; after all, Hakkai didn't poke around just anyone's past, but the other part of him felt uncomfortably vulnerable and a little annoyed.

Shifting his gaze away from Hakkai and toward the dark window, he watched the curtains billow with a gentle breeze. "It's cooler now that the rain has fallen, don't you think?"

Hakkai tsked, then said, "Mrs. Tang showed me a book you'd given her. She told me that you'd been going through a difficult time when you came to the restaurant one evening with the book. According to Mrs. Tang, you asked her to keep it safe because you didn't need it anymore."

Gojyo remembered the small, leather-bound book of poetry. "It was filled with pressed flowers."

"Yes."

"I couldn't bring myself to burn it with the rest of her stuff. I wanted to send it to her, but I didn't know where she was by then."

"I think it might be in the best place. Mrs. Tang said she'd take good care of it until you wanted it back. She had very nice things to say about Kanan in spite of what she put you through." A brief shadow passed over Hakkai's features. "Mrs. Tang said she was very worried about you during that time."

Gojyo shrugged.

"At the end of our conversation, she thanked me for taking care of you. I gathered the impression that she already assumed you and I were a couple."

"Yeah?" Gojyo mulled that over. Mrs. Tang wasn't the only person who thought that. In fact, most of the people who knew them thought of Gojyo and Hakkai as a single entity, as two sides of the same coin. Gojyo always liked that idea.

"Yes. She thanked me for taking such good care of you." Hakkai chuckled. "Somewhat ironic, don't you think?"

"Not really. You _do_ take care of me."

"Ah, well, we've had this argument before, and I suspect we are at something of an impasse."

Gojyo shook his head. "Oh, man, I can't believe you already knew."

"Well, Kanan never told me your name, but she told me about you. _All_ about you." Hakkai gave him a wide, predatory smile. "Also, you occasionally talk in your sleep."

Gojyo's mouth went even drier, and his heartbeat kicked up a notch again. "I do?"

"Yes. Sometimes very … explicitly."

"Oh." So _that_ was how Sanzo had figured it out.

"Oh, indeed. I think all those stories about your sexual prowess were not just blustery bravado after all." Hakkai stood up and walked to a pitcher of water.

Gojyo's response was more a routine reaction than a serious protest. "Hey …"

Hakkai returned to the table with two glasses of water. "When Kanan and I met, I was … hmm, I believe the word _repressed_ would be a good description."

Gojyo remembered Kanan's first comments about her brother, and he suspected that _repressed_ was an understatement, but he wisely opted to keep his mouth shut. Instead, he took a drink of water.

Hakkai's lips twitched--he seemed to have read Gojyo's mind. "Well, yes, perhaps that's a milder description than she might have applied. Or you, for that matter."

Gojyo hoped he'd managed to keep his expression neutral, but he suspected that Hakkai saw right through him anyway.

"Be that as it may, she was quite," Hakkai coughed delicately, " _appreciative_ of your skills. Over time, she managed to teach me what you taught her--the more important subtleties, anyway."

Subtleties? Gojyo fidgeted with his glass while he waited for Hakkai to finish. He was getting the distinct impression Hakkai was enjoying his discomfort. "What could _I_ teach _her_?"

Hakkai's forest-green eyes sparkled in the softly shadowed room. "You always underestimate your worth, and I'm certain Kanan could see that, too. Setting aside the obvious mechanics of making love--which she retained a great admiration for, much to my irritation--you also taught her how to find enjoyment in a caress when all she'd known before was violence. You taught her how giving pleasure is superior to receiving it. You taught her how to love. And through her, you taught me, too."

Gojyo felt his throat tighten. "But she … left."

"She still loved you, didn't you know? Right to the end." Hakkai tipped his head and studied Gojyo. "That would've been like her not to tell you outright. She probably shrouded it in double-speak. She was a woman, after all, and it's been my observation that women tend to believe men understand more than we do."

Gojyo nodded his head because he didn't trust his voice not to crack with emotion. Kanan had loved him. He'd thought she had, he'd heard her words saying so, but in the end, she'd left him, and he'd questioned her sincerity. Hearing those words again from Hakkai hurt like a scalding brand and soothed like a cooling slave. Even after her death, she still managed to confuse him.

"She loved us both. She wanted to have you join us, but I wouldn’t hear of it." Hakkai's smile melted. "If you had been with us, she might still be alive."

"Man, don't go down that path." Gojyo tried to ignore the "what might have been" scenarios spinning in his head like a roulette wheel, Kanan's life bouncing like a silver steel ball and finally settling. "If you'd known who I was, you would've killed me."

"Yes, I would have." Hakkai's words were cold and clear.

"Dude," Gojyo shivered again, "you aren't helping."

Chuckling, Hakkai said, "Why do you think I didn't know your name? Or what you looked like?" Hakkai reached over and touched a strand of Gojyo's hair. "At least now I understand why she wanted me to grow out my hair, though mine was never this silky."

Gojyo's heart missed a beat as the scent of Hakkai's soap and sweat swirled around him. Sweat? Hakkai was worried? Gojyo could see and feel it now; there was a thin layer of fear in Hakkai's expression. Hmm.

Hakkai let Gojyo's hair slip from his fingers, and he sat up straighter. "Kanan understood my jealousy and my limitations better than anyone. I was also seventeen and very, very selfish. And …" Hakkai gave him a soft, gentle look, "I didn't understand. Kanan was also selfish for wanting--no _having_ \--both you and me at the same time."

Gojyo didn't say he thought she was pretty clever.

"I'm not certain I would have survived without her to help me socialize, and that's what swayed her final choice between the two of us. I needed her more."

You are stronger. Gojyo placed his elbow on the table, staring out the window, as he recalled Kanan's words.

"She told you that, didn't she?" Hakkai stood up, stretched, and then walked to the window, standing next to Gojyo as he looked out into the darkness.

Gojyo nodded. "Yeah, but I didn't believe her."

"She was right, and it was the truth. In the end, however, my selfishness deprived her of you, and that created a deep rift between us. There was a part of her that never really forgave me." Hakkai paced back to the bed to sit on its edge. "She wouldn't agree to have a child with _me_ , you know. Ironically, she thought that was pushing the limits of taboo too far."

"What?" Gojyo tried to follow the conversation's change in direction. Fleetingly, he remembered the last time he'd made love to Kanan and the favor she asked of him--her odd request for no condoms. He'd been so out of his mind that night he hadn't even questioned it until much later, until he couldn't ask her. Tendrils of understanding wormed their way inside his head.

"She was inconsolable when she didn't conceive after her last visit with you."

Gojyo felt as though Hakkai had struck him. "Holy _fuck_."

"She was desperate to keep a piece of you, and even I couldn't deny her that. With time, I probably would have been all right with it."

Gojyo wouldn't have been, and he felt a surge of fury. A child? Into a household that wouldn't have loved it? Gojyo couldn't disguise the anger in his voice. "Stupid girl, how could she have even considered doing that? Especially--with me and what she knew about me."

Hakkai blinked at him. "Sometimes Kanan was very stubborn. She might cry and carry on about how sorry she was, but in the end, she always got her way. You of all people should know that."

Gojyo nearly ground his teeth. "But that would have been cruel to all of us. You, me, and especially to any child she might have borne."

"Ah, I see." Hakkai smiled. His smile wasn't false or friendly, but wistful and hesitant. "So, perhaps you are the one shocked by tonight's discussion, not me. You didn't know that was what she intended?"

"No. I mean, of course I knew there was a slim possibility she might get pregnant. That was the only time … we did it without protection. I should've known." He tried to look away but couldn't. "She was always way smarter than me, and she could make things sound so reasonable. I didn't know what she was doing half the time."

"I felt the same much of the time." Hakkai's eyes were still riveted on Gojyo, seeming to be dipping inside him, searching for something. "Gojyo, she wasn't perfect, and she made mistakes. You must be aware of that."

Gojyo fought his nausea, but he couldn't form any words. He shook his head. "But a child?"

Hakkai raised an eyebrow. "Does it matter? Would you have quit loving her if you'd known?"

She'd loved him. She'd tried to conceive with him. Kanan had ultimately tricked him, and in the end, she was just as flawed and scarred as Gojyo was. He couldn't quite wrap his brain around it. If he'd been smart enough to put it together, he'd have been furious with her, but quit loving her? He exhaled, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "No. I never would have agreed to it, but I would still have loved her."

"Just so." Hakkai nodded. "She knew we were siblings long before I did. _You_ probably knew before I did. She didn't tell me until we were already … lovers."

"Dude, she didn't tell you before?" Gojyo breathed. "Oh, man, that wasn't cool."

"Well, no, I suppose it wasn't "cool." But when I did find out, I was angry and we had a few rough days, but it didn't change how I felt about her." Hakkai chuckled. "She was quite manipulative, you know."

Gojyo made a non-verbal noise, still surprised by Hakkai's confession of Kanan tricking him. She'd tricked them both. He stood up and moved to the bed, sitting next to Hakkai. "I'd say manipulative is an understatement."

"Well, it was one of her more irritating, yet endearing, traits." Hakkai removed his monocle and set it on the bedside table. "She definitely had some issues, didn't she?"

"Yeah. A few. But I still … loved her." Their conversation bordered on the surreal for Gojyo. "This is weird, talking to you about her."

"Yes, I suppose it is a little strange." Hakkai leaned back on the bed, propping himself up on his elbows. "But it's also somewhat cathartic. Like you, I've not had anyone to discuss her with until now."

"And you aren't, you know, _mad_?"

"Are you?" Hakkai asked softly.

"I have nothing to be mad about." Gojyo shrugged. "Besides, you showing up in my life helped me finally get over her."

"I've had a lot of time to deal with this, Gojyo. I also had Kanan with me, so we were able to work through our issues, after a fashion." Hakkai's features were unreadable again. "She did willingly choose to stay with me, but believe me when I tell you, the cost was dear to both of us, and there were moments I regretted my … demands."

Gojyo remembered her helpless sadness on that last day. His thoughts flickered to a burned-down flower shop and two dead priests. If she'd been mad enough at Gonou, she might have made his life very uncomfortable for a while. "The girl could hold a grudge like no one I've ever met."

"Yes." Hakkai grimaced. "Even so, I suspect what you went through alone was more difficult."

Gojyo's eyes met Hakkai's gaze. "It was ..." He couldn't find the words. The pain of her leaving stung even now, and he swallowed back the sorrow. "It wasn't easy."

"I expect not." Hakkai nodded. "There's one other thing you should know."

His stomach clenched. What more could there be?

"I didn't know who you were, but I did know what town you lived in. That night in the rain, I was coming to find you. Why, I'm still not certain. Possibly to kill you, maybe just to find someone else who would care, maybe because I was delirious. When I awoke in your house not knowing who you were, strangely enough, I abandoned my notion of finding Kanan's other great love. I find it ironic that you were the one who saved me, just as you saved her."

"It wasn't really the same." Gojyo felt exhausted, as if he hadn't slept in a lifetime. He released a sigh of relief and lay on his side facing Hakkai, using his arm as a cushion. "You bled a lot more."

Hakkai smiled. "She was my first love, and you are my second. In spite of my protests to Kanan about you, here we are. I think she would find our current predicament hysterically funny."

Gojyo thought of Kanan's skewed sense of humor. Hakkai was just like her, only a little less … angry. "Yeah, she would."

Hakkai reached out and gently touched Gojyo's eyebrow. "I'm a better match for you, you know."

Gojyo blinked.

"You're far too soft-hearted, and she would have made you miserable in the long run."

"Hakkai, are you--" Gojyo stopped himself. What a ridiculous thing to even think, much less say.

"Yes," Hakkai placed his head on the pillow, "I supposed I'm a bit jealous of Kanan. That's rather silly."

"Nah, 'cause I know what you mean. I'm a little jealous of her myself." Gojyo couldn't stop his lazy smile. Now their conversation was just plain weird, but it was _Hakkai weird_ , and there was comfort in that. Gojyo knew he could handle that kind of weird.

Several silent moments passed as Gojyo's heartbeat returned to normal, and he realized he could barely hear the rain outside anymore. Letting his mind drift, he reflected on the odd mix of emotions flowing through him--relief, sorrow, and a peaceful closeness to both Hakkai and Kanan. There was nothing to hold him back now.

"Hey Hakkai?"

"Hmm?"

"You know," Gojyo tried to sound casual, "I guess I kind of think of us as a couple, too."

"Is that so?" Hakkai stared at him. "And how long have you thought that way?"

"Oh, I don't know, just for a long time now." In actuality, Gojyo knew the exact second when he'd fallen in love with Hakkai--okay, maybe it was the moment when he'd quit denying his feelings--but it wasn't a story he could share and still retain a fraction of self-respect. Being rescued was bad enough, but then falling in love with your rescuer? Sounded like a bad romance novel, as Banri--that conniving bastard--would say.

Although he studied Gojyo intently, Hakkai didn't press the subject.

Gojyo reached out and touched Hakkai's unruly cowlick. "Can I kiss you now?"

"Of course." Hakkai's eyes glittered.

Gojyo felt a strange and familiar nervousness clutch at his stomach.

Hakkai watched him. "Are you feeling all right?"

"Yeah, it's just been a while since I experienced the dragon-sized butterflies fighting in my stomach."

Hakkai blinked. "I'm sorry, I don't know–"

Gojyo leaned forward and kissed him. Sounds of the lessening rain and Hakkai's breathing interwove with a buzzing noise in his head, and desire exploded along his nerve-endings when Hakkai's tongue touched his. Without breaking their kiss, he pushed Hakkai onto his back and then crawled on top of him. His cock was hard, and he was pleased to feel that Hakkai apparently shared his passion. He broke their kiss and tugged at the lacings on Hakkai's tunic.

Hakkai's breath was ragged. "Well, that was different from our earlier kiss."

"Yeah." Gojyo clawed at Hakkai's clothes and heard fabric rip. There was a moment of confusion before Gojyo realized that what had ripped was his shirt. Laughing at their impatience, he helped Hakkai remove his now torn t-shirt. "Now this is more like it!"

Hakkai's eyes had turned nearly black. "Yes, it is more what I expected, also." Hakkai smiled at him. Gojyo could see so much of Kanan in that smile, and yet, it was all Hakkai, too.

"I hope you're ready for this." Gojyo rolled onto his back and pulled off his remaining clothes. "'Cause I've been dreaming about this for a long time."

"Hmm." Hakkai removed his tunic. "Maybe you are the one that needs to be ready, Gojyo. I have been told that I am … intense."

Gojyo grinned at his soon-to-be lover. "Well then, bring it on!"

"Gojyo." The voice pulled him up to the surface of wakefulness from a deep sleep. "Gojyo, wake up."

Gojyo opened his eyes to see Hakkai hovering near the bed. There was a towel around Hakkai's hips, and Gojyo stared his wicked scar, the tauntingly bare hipbones, and the various love bites. Gojyo licked his lips, remembering and savoring Hakkai's lingering taste. In fact, he wouldn’t mind another round. "Good morning, 'Kai."

Hakkai eyed him and his morning wood with open amusement. "You should probably get up and shower. Sanzo will, no doubt, demand that we depart soon. We are already late."

"I could pretend to be sick," Gojyo offered.

Hakkai chuckled. "I don't think that will work on Sanzo."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Knowing him, he'd make us go farther than ever just to be an asshole." Gojyo smiled and looked around the room for his cigarettes. "Will you be able to drive?"

Hakkai gave him a slow, genuine smile. "Will you be able to ride?"

Gojyo stretched experimentally. Yep, he was a little sore in spots, and some spots were more intimate than others, but he felt good. "I'll be all right. You?"

There was a knock, and Hakkai padded toward the door. "Yes, I'll be fine. I feel rather exhilarated, actually."

"Hey, you aren't going to open that without--"

Hakkai opened the door. "Good morning, Sanzo. Goku."

Gojyo scrambled to cover himself with the sheet. He wasn't really shy about his body, but somehow, this felt different, as if a parent were checking on them. "Damn it, Hakkai, warn a guy would ya?"

"Tch." Sanzo stepped into the room and glared at Gojyo. "You're still alive."

"Hey, thanks for your concern, dickhead." Gojyo was suddenly aware of his own love bites. He grinned at the scowling bastard. "Sorry to disappoint you. I'm still alive, but if it makes you feel better, I do think I died a few times last night."

Sanzo exhaled in disgust. "If he’d wanted to kill you, I couldn’t have stopped him."

Hakkai crossed his arms, and his smile touched his eyes as he glanced at Gojyo. "Well, yes, that is true."

For some reason, that smile made Gojyo shiver. Did creepiness fucking run in their family, or what? Why couldn’t he ever fall for _normal_ people?

"Who died?" Goku pushed past Sanzo and looked at Hakkai, and then at Gojyo. "Oh, I get it! It's about time, you guys. I thought you'd never figure it out. I mean, Gojyo's kinda slow, but Hakkai, you shoulda just--"

"Goku," Sanzo said, "shut up."

Goku ignored Sanzo's command as his eyes got bigger and he shifted his comments. "So this is why ya brought me, huh Sanzo? So I could see they'd finally done it?"

"More so you could drag Gojyo's corpse out of the inn." Sanzo lit a cigarette.

Hakkai smiled--the bad smile. "Ah haha, Sanzo. You know I always clean up _my_ messes."

Gojyo's line of sight moved from the monk to his lover. "Hey!"

Sanzo shook his head. "We leave tomorrow. At sunrise. I don't want to hear about it. Not now or tomorrow. No details. Not ever." He turned on his heel and stomped out through the doorway.

Goku grinned at them both and said, "Well, I'll wanna hear 'em!" Then he scampered after Sanzo.

Gojyo watched the door close after them. Staring at Hakkai, he asked, "Did Sanzo just …?"

Hakkai arched an eyebrow. "Yes, I believe he just gave us a day off. How extraordinary."

"Of all things, who knew the monk was a romantic."

"I believe you're right." Hakkai started to dress. "I'm hungry."

Gojyo sat up and placed his feet on the floor. "Me too. I'll take a shower and meet you—"

Hakkai leaned close and kissed him. "I'll get us breakfast while you are do that. I'd like to stay in the room for most of the day, if you don't mind." He started to walk toward the door.

"Wait." Gojyo grabbed Hakkai's wrist.

Hakkai faced him, those stunning eyes piercing through him, reading him. "What is it, Gojyo?"

"I … um …" He'd never said those words. He'd thought them a million times with Kanan, but he'd never said them. Could he say them with Hakkai? He wanted to.

Hakkai chuckled. "No need to hurt yourself. I know how you feel."

Of course he did. Hakkai knew everything about Gojyo. Absolutely everything.

And while he stood under the spray of a warm shower, Gojyo thought that maybe sorrow wasn't the only emotion that floated to the surface of life. He was sure that love did, too.

***

 

End


End file.
